I hurt so much

(((hugs Cassidy's Mama))) As an amom I can only imagine what you are going through but this site has been such a wonderful place for me to connect with others in my position. Posts like yours remind me how much more my boys are loved than they or I will even know. Best wishes to you. Melissa

I haven't been involved with adoption as long as you have. I haven't had as long to process the feelings but I do have plenty of experience with depression (not saying you are depressed) and I understand dealing with the sad days and the complex feeling relating to adoption. I too look into my daughters eyes everyday and see her biological sisters. I have to wonder if they will ever see each other when they are old enough to remember and understand. One set of adoptive parents I trust completely. The other had made me wary with spotty contact and erratic behavior. Try to remember that you can only do what you can do. You can't control what Hailey's parents tell her or let you tell her if you have contact but you can write a letter to her for the agency to keep to be sent when she's an adult. You can remember to be kind to yourself. If you want someone to listen that might understand, my contact info is in my profile. My hours vary depending on how bad the insomnia is.

I have also found that when I try and explain my sadness to friends and family that no one really understands. I just kind of get that blank stare and awkward silence. It can be difficult for people to process our pain and hurt and try to make sense of it. They are able to sympathize with us but can not empathize with us because they've never experienced the placement of a child themselves. Nobody understands like a fellow birthmother understands. Like ellemeth, I have also not been involved in the adoption process as long as you have. I just placed my little boy in December. By far the most difficult heartwrenching and painful thing I have done or will ever do. I would like to get through one hour, just ONE HOUR, without thinking of the adoption, my son, the birth experience, my empty arms, etc. The pain is so great that at times it seems unbearable. Your post makes it sound like you have a closed adoption. Is that right? Did you ever receive pictures or updates? You also made the comment "....still be known as the family friend". Does this mean that you were friends with this family before pregancy and placement or is that how you are described in relation to you bdaughter? (((hugs))) to you Cassidys_Momma. Vanda

Cassidy's Mom, I am the birthmom of a twenty year old. I know how hard it can be to explain what it feels like. And there will be some people who never get it. Have you looked into a support group? I would be happy to help you find one in your area. Do you have any contact with Cassidy or her parents?

The adoption was agreed to be open. With pictures, visits, updates a few times a year. When she got old enough to take her to Disneyland for her first time. Well, the Disneyland thing they did already, the first year was really open, then this last year came to one visit, and one group of pictures sent. I consider it semi open now. By the adoptive parents choice. The family friend thing is how the adoptive parents have named me. I'm Kristina, the family friend. I didn't know these people till I placed my daughter. I have been put on Zoloft for the adoption issues and just recently I am getting out of a violent relationship. So I am having some hard times. I have tried two support groups and it didn't really do much. So I am giving that a break for right now. Thanks for the offer Brenda. When I am ready to step into one again I will give you a holler. Oh and Cassidy is the one with me. Hailey is the one who is placed in adoption. I send them pictures and updates of Cassidy and I. But don't get a responce. It pretty much comes down to a once a year thing.

Hey hon... I'm sorry that you're hurting. I wish I could take it from you. (Glad to see you around though.)

Hi, I am so sorry that you are going through this. I wish that I could take your pain away. As an amom I can say that if I knew that my daughters bmom was hurting I would do what ever it takes to help ease the pain. Have you talked to the amom or tried letting her know in writing how you feel and how hurt you are that they have not responded? Even if they dont respond to your letters at least you will be able to tell Cassidy when she is older that you tried to nurture the relationship but your hands were tied. You will know the truth and you will know in your heart that you tried, granted that doesnҒt help the pain right now. I believe that when Cassidy is older and if you are honest with her about placing Hailey she will understand your choices. Secrets are what tear families apart so I am hoping that the afamily will be honest with Hailey as well. The whole point of Open Adoption is so that our children know both sides of their families. I am not sure how old Hailey is maybe they are being cautious until she is old enough to understand things. At some point Hailey will find out the truth, if anyone is at fault it will be the afamily who dropped the ball because they didnt keep the lines of communication open. In the mean time try to spend your time and energy loving Cassidy and holding her close. She needs you to be healthy and strong. You have every right to morn the loss of your daughter Hailey however there may come a point where the burden may be to heavy for you. Have you considered some anti- depressant medication or counseling? I am here anytime day or night if you want to talk. Take care of yourself, Maria

Did you go through an agency? Maybe they could help mediate? I am so sorry you are going through all this. I think you are wise to address the other issues in your life first before tackeling this. You will be a stronger woman for it. I have been there.

I am a bmum in reunion with my 23 yr old bson but understand exactly how you feel but am glad I'm on the other side of the tunnel now. When my bson was then adopted the whole adoption process was never discussed and he was only mentioned 3 times. The first when I received a letter from his amum thanking me for 'my sacrifice' (it was a closed adoption), the second time my parents told me he was included in their wills. The third time 11 yrs ago a few days after an argument with my sister rang up while I was out, she didn't believe I was out then told my husband about my bson hoping it would split us up. Fortunately after my husband calmed down we talked about it and it brought us closer together. As the adoption was never talked about my way of dealing with it was to shut my mind to it but it took time and I cried plenty of tears for my 'lost baby'. Since reunion I have had to deal with so many emotions but that is a good thing as I'm at peace with myself now as well as having a good relationship with my bson. Fortunately he doesn't hate me for what happened and if anything he sad that I was pressurised into having him adopted but we talk about it so that helps him to understand the way it was. Montraviatommygun

The pain is real, it is deep and it is intense. It's been said before -- but it is difficult for anyone else to understand how you are feeling except for someone who has been in your shoes. I am a bmom to a 22 year old -- we reunited December 20, 2003. Like Montraviatommygun, I spent 20 years not talking about my daughter. The solution to my pain was to avoid the pain -- but over the years I was hit with emotion at major milestones in her life. Thankfully you have this website and other bmoms to talk to and to process how you are feeling. My best advice is to keep talking -- while it won't take away the pain it will help you cope. Just knowing there are others out there who feel the way you do -- knowing that you are not alone -- can help. Keep a journal -- and write your daughters letters during this time -- expressing your love for them and your hope for their lives. Someday you will be able to share these letters with them. They will be treasured gifts for both of your girls. Best wishes -- Jill

I understand where you come from with this and I think that people might not understand just cause they have never been there ... for some it is hard to wrap their brain around the thought of placing a child. I to have 2 childern ... a 2 year old that I kept and a 4 month old that I placed. I think many of the same things that you do .... will they hate me will they understand. My 2 year old likes to look at all the pictures of my son ( the 4 month old ). She loves to look at them ... she is always saying "baby" and pointing to the pictures. It is hard and sometimes I just dont know how she is going to react when she is older but she will know even know she knows. Let your second child know as she gets older ... your situation is different just cause your oldest is gone and your youngest is with you. But I do know were you come from with this. I think so many of the same thoughts. Jess birthmother to Zacahry Stephen born 10-5-04Mother to Tatum Ann Marie born 12-13-02

So sorry you are hurting :(I am an adoptee, at 38 I just recently started my search for my birthmother. I don't know if it helps at all, but I had an absolutely wonderful life! I hope to find my birthmother and tell her that I don't blame her, and that I am greatful for the life she gave me. I can't imagine how painful this must have been for her, and can't help but hope she thinks of me over the years and wonders how I am doing........ I hope you are able to find the support you need, and hopefully someday find peace in your heart in all of this.

I am a bmom I have been going throughthis fora while now my son is now 8 and his sister is now 3 I am with my eldest child whi is 10 and she is going through a lot right now herself. It seems like the pain never goes away I do what some of the other bmoms have talked about I cover it upo and never talk about them. But, I can not hlpe my daighter go through the pain if I can not deal with it myself. I think that it is good that we have each other here so we do not seem like the only one in teh world going through this. I always wonder will the pain ever go away?? If you ever need anyone to talk to I will listen to you. I do not talk about it to anyone becasue I do not think that they will get it. Here is a Hug from me to you. We will get through this one day at a time

Dear Cassidy's Mom, I just read what you wrote back in January and I know how you feel. My son was born in 1970 and it was a closed adoption since I live in NJ. A day has not gone by that I don't think about him and wonder if he is okay. I know I did the "right" thing by putting him up for adoption but I have to say that the pain has never gone away and the hole is still in my heart. I will keep you in my prayers. You may contact me anytime if you need to talk. My information is in my profile. Take care of yourself. Sincerely, Bev