Would we still be friends?

Honestly, yes, it would change things. For the better, for the worse, who knows - but it would change things. There are so many changes that happen when a child is born and when a woman becomes a mother - whether by adoption or by birth. Add in the stress from the aMom's point of view of seeing the bmom in pain after relinquishment, and feeling guilty ... add in the stress of the possibility of some church members gossiping ...add in the stress of the adoption process ... add in the stress for her to see everyone congradulating you and oohhing and awwwing over your baby while she watching in the last pew of the church ... add in the stress of the possibility of so many things. Maybe none of that will happen, but I know far too many bMoms and aMoms who wish they knew ALL possibilities before they adopted or placed. I know I was one of them. Christine is right -- the mother must make the choice to parent or place anew after the baby is born, regardless if the baby was conceived of rape. Until the adoption papers are signed - she is the mother and that is her baby. Many potential bMoms think they are sure of many things ... only to change their minds when they hold their babies for the first time. I take it she is younger? Is she receiving councelling and unbiased information or help? If you'd like, PM me and I can send you some information or referrals for more help in this matter. Best to you, Skye

Yes it will change after the baby is born. The world changes after that baby arrives. Nothing is ever the same. The same as if you were to adopt the child, nothing would ever quite be the same in your lives. While she says she can handle that amount of openness, I urge you to convince her to seek counseling at this point in time. She needs to realize that emotions of a Mother are stronger than she will realize. She needs to understand that openness is not glorified babysitting and that the baby will be YOUR child, not hers. She needs to understand the difference between parenting and open adoption birthparenting which, in basic terminology, is the difference between daily caregiving and affirmation parenting. (Read: Lifegivers - Framing the Birthparent Experience in Open Adoption by James L. Gritter) She also needs to know that you are all ready pondering leaving the church if this becomes something unable to handle. I assume that since you are the youth leader, you would look for a new flock to shepherd. If that is the case, how far would this take you from the birthmother? She has to know, from the get-go, since you're planning on openness, if you're all of a sudden just going to leave. Even if it is for all the right reasons (a new position opens up that pays better, your husband gets transfered, or you're just trying to look out for the best interest of the child) she needs to know up front that you could move. She needs to be prepared for that in her heart and mind long before it happens. One of the most well-adjusted birthmothers I know is dying inside right now because her daughter's familiy is moving across country, unexpectedly. If you know this is an option before hand, let her know. And yes, it will change the dynamics of your friendship. It changed everything between me and my daughter's parents for about two months. At that point, I was "okay enough" to start forming a real, open and adult relationship with them. To this day we are the best of friends but it has been a bundle of work sometimes. Be prepared to put in extra footwork with a birthmother who is still a teenager and unsure of herself. (We all were as teens! Oh, to never be a teen again!) She will be insecure and will need your reassurance that everything is okay. Best of luck in whatever you decide.

As a bmom I have an open adoption but we don't see eachother daily or weekly although we talk at least that much (and we were family friends). I however have seen several friends in the church adopt eachothers children and all is well, however I do know that some bmom's have post depression after the adoption and there are other struggles that can lead to her changing her mind. I would put it in God's hands and I know that when we went through our adoption I was the supportive side for the amom, because I knew the fears that she could have about me changing my mind, however God blessed me with carring a child for them not for me so I never had doubts! I wish you the best!!!!