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My husband and I were blessed with a daughter by adoption in late December. She is now 5 weeks old.
I don't feel like her mother, why not ? She is Perfect and adoralbe in everyway ! I am a employed as a nanny and I just feel like she is one of the kids I take care of.
Whats wrong with me ?
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I second what Jen said about faking it. You just do it until you feel it. We adopted internationally and my dd was 18 months old when she came home. Lots of times I felt like I was babysitting.
The night she threw up in the night and my first reactions was "OMG she's frightened, poor thing!" instead of "Yuck, I have to clean that up" I knew that I really felt it!
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I agree that you might have to go through the actions......but sometimes, I also think this idea of 'faking it' can make things worse? After having adopted seven times (four have been infants), I can tell you that this is pretty normal. I would also tell you to not push yourself. And it would seem to be more common for you, having been a nanny for quite awhile. Kinda of like asking someone to enjoy every aspect of Disney World, when they had worked there for the past 10 yrs? LOL
At any rate, it may take time, but it will come (as the others have said). I sometimes believe that the more you might fake it, the longer it might take. My take is, relax, and 'just be'. If you don't try so hard and don't try to analzye it or believe 'this isn't normal'.........then you might feel less stressed and able to let it 'just happen'.
Just my take.......
And good luck. You'll be fine.
Sincerely,
Linny
Biological mother, adoptive mother, step mothers... not all mother feel like mothers at first. I know I felt like I wasn't the "real" mother, and was VERY sensitive to mommy criticism the first few months. The shrinks call it entitlement I think. I was worried about it too, until I talked to my girlfriend who was raising her biological child. She told me that she didn't feel like the "real" mom either.
I hate to say it, but it does take time.
Besides, if you're not the "REAL" mom, what are you the "FAKE" mom. Who would want to "fake mom" multiple midnight feedings, never ending dirty diaper/bottles, projectile vomiting etc. Only "REAL" moms are such gluttons for punishment!
Just take a deep breath and chant... "Not the mommy, not the mommy, not the mommy..." after that you'll probably feel silly enough to laugh and realize you ARE THE REAL MOM!
Inga
Lily's Mom
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It's fairly new but it's titled Post Adoption Depression. Not sure of the authors but that's the title.
Just like post-partum depression, post adoption depression is a very real thing and it happens to many of us. Not really feeling like a mom can be part of this. I know that with our daughter (who came home last March), I had a very difficult time. I was so sad for her birth mom and compounded with the lack of sleep, I felt unreal for the first few months. What helped was the support of my friends, many of whom could tell me that much of what I was experiencing was typical with the second kid (we have a bio son) and wasn't a sign that I was a terrible person who would never fall in love with my daughter.
I can't remember when it happened, when she truly felt like mine, but it was longer than I expected. I wish that I had found that book when I was going through it!!!!
:)
Dawn
It is really great to hear that I am not crazy, also. We have a 14mo little girl and we brought home our little boy on Jan. 6. I feel like I am going through the motions. I have been off work since we brought him home and I am not the stay at home mom type. I am hoping when I get back to work, and back in the routine things will get a little better. My husband is having the same issues. He had the same "going through the motions" with our daughter and he is totally in love with her and so am I. Thank you for listening and Cupcake, you are not alone. Hang in there and it will get better. GOOD LUCK!!!!
Christy
We have a bio son and are currently starting our adoption process. I have to tell you, the first 5 weeks with him were tough. I had been around a lot of infants, but never a newborn. I was SOOOOO unprepared for the fact that you get nothing as far as a response or emotions from a newborn, it seemed to be either crying or not crying. If I am remembering correctly, it seems like 6 weeks or so was the turning point. It really takes a while, it is the first smile, or when they look at you and it seems to mean something other than "I'm hungry" that you'll really feel the connection. Hang in there and look forward to your "moment", it's coming.
With my first son, it took about 6 months until I felt like a mom and not a big sister or a caretaker. I loved and adored him, bonded etc.. but had to pinch myself because I didn't feel like a "mom".
My second son, I felt like a mom, but didn't bond as quickly.
It's different for everyone, but I have heard sooo many moms state about 6 months can be normal for that FULL "mom" feeling to kick in. Many do it much quicker some slower.
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As a mom with both a bio son and adopted triplets, I can tell you that even with nine months and the biological tie bonding isn't instant. We don't know these little people when they first come to us, and so while we love them, there is no reason why we should feel an instant connection to a person we just met. Bonding isn't aresult of hormones or biological connection, though they may help it along; it is a result of sacrifice, of focusing so much energy on your child and putting her first. You are right where you should be right now. I can't even say exactly when I felt "bonded" to any of my children. It is true that the first smile or two will melt your heart and make it lots easier. I think that's because when he smiles you are getting to know *him* rather than just a little inert lump of "baby." Many moms, and I believe probably most moms, feel this way; a lot of women are just too ashamed to talk about it.
cupcake17
My husband and I were blessed with a daughter by adoption in late December. She is now 5 weeks old.
I don't feel like her mother, why not ? She is Perfect and adoralbe in everyway ! I am a employed as a nanny and I just feel like she is one of the kids I take care of.
Whats wrong with me ?
The5Nardos, my pediatrician told me that they have done studies that show that adoptive moms experience many of the same "hormones" and "emotions" that would occur if you delivered the baby. It's extremely common (not unusual) to be experiencing depression/the blues, etc. If you are feeling like you are having a hard time functioning, you may want to talk to your doctor, etc. Also, I don't know how old your son is...but I remember being enthralled with my DD when she was first home, and then from like weeks 4-6, I just sort of "crashed" and felt sort of disconnected. Anyway, hang in there!!
It will come. I don't feel fat, but I am. KWIM? :D Ironically, I bonded with dd as soon as she was placed in my arms. Mothering came so... easy with her. When she was 6 mths and we were finalizing the adoption I found out I was pg!:eek:
Now I have a son and funny thing is, it took me longer to bond with him. There were times he would be napping in his crib and I would be playing with daughter and I actually forgot about him!!:confused: He started crying and I looked at my daughter and was thinking what is that noise when it clicked -- Duh it is your son ready to nurse! ! I felt like such a bad mom, but it does come with time and it is a wonderful feeling when it does. HTH GL.
Channa
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JLS
It will come. I don't feel fat, but I am. KWIM? :D Ironically, I bonded with dd as soon as she was placed in my arms. Mothering came so... easy with her. When she was 6 mths and we were finalizing the adoption I found out I was pg!:eek: Now I have a son and funny thing is, it took me longer to bond with him. There were times he would be napping in his crib and I would be playing with daughter and I actually forgot about him!!:confused: He started crying and I looked at my daughter and was thinking what is that noise when it clicked -- Duh it is your son ready to nurse! ! I felt like such a bad mom, but it does come with time and it is a wonderful feeling when it does. HTH GL.Channa