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My husband was married for a very short time 10 years ago, which gave him a 9 year-old son. His ex-wife moved a lot and hid her whereabouts from him so he did not see the child until last year. We began regular visits (out-of-state - we are in California and she lived in Ohio) as soon as we found them. His ex-wife died about 6 weeks ago. We had to fight her parents for custody of my step-son. It has been ugly so far, since they lied to Social Services to gain temporary custody of him to begin with. It was overturned as soon as my husband countered all of their claims, though we had to leave him in Ohio with them for a month to pack and say his good-byes. He also has two siblings who are in the grandparent's custody. During the month they had him, they continued to try to get custody, or delay when he would move to California. All their attempts failed. Now my step-son is safely in California with us. Now they are fighting for a ridiculous amount of visitation. We had already offered generous visitation, yet they felt they needed an attorney (probably because they lie about everything and don't trust us). They are wasting so much of our time and money it is frustrating! They are asking for the entire summer, and every school break...which would give them every Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years and Easter. No judge would give a parent that, let alone a grandparent. I had not intended to adopt my step-son. I don't want him to feel like his mother didn't exist and that I was taking her place. However, with the way his grandparents have lied and demanded ridiculous things to date, I fear that if anything happened to my husband his family would never see the boy. No one had seen him the first 8 years because his mother hid him. Now, his grandparents want him every minute he is not in school, which would mean none of my husband's family would see him again. My husband and I started talking about me adopting him so that if something happened to him I would have custody, or at least visitation, so that our children (my husband and I have one child together and another on the way) and the rest of his family would still see his son. Any thoughts?
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In the state of california there is no such thing as grandparent rights. I would petition to have the case transfered out to california after all the child resides here now. How long have you guys lived in california. SO also petitioning for the adoption in california is not wrong and the grandparents technically can not fight the adoption. HOwever the child needs to agree also. How is this child taking this whole situation to begin with. It has to be hard first he losses his mom but he is finding out that his grandparents are not the best of people. I would refuse to go to ohio any more unless trying to get all the trials moved to california, out here the judge would laugh at them and say they are wasting their time. Have you ever seen the movie the deep end of the ocean. In the end the boy got sentt to live with his biological parents, YOur husband is the childs father and the grandparents are the grandparents. Parents take precidense. I would also be careful sending him to his grandparents till it all gets solved. My bfs parents threatened to take my daughter away onceI laughed. In california it does not work that way, So if you go for the adoption there is really nothing to fight since the mother is dead. The parents can not claim the child even if the the mother signed parental rights to them you have a fight because your husband did not. THat is his chld. Relax and that is my opinion, anymore advice I am here for you.
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Hi, my husband is adopting my daughter and in two weeks it will be final. It is so easy to do a stepparent adoption when the other parent is deceased. My daughters bio father died in January. We are going through the adoption for the same reason sort of. I know that if something were to happen to me that the bio fathers horrible family will try to take my little girl from the only daddy she has ever known. If you are trying to figure out how to explain this to your son, let him know that you are not trying to replace his mom, but you would very much like to be a big part of his life and you are just telling everyone else how much you care for him by adopting him. Make sure he knows that you love him.
In Ohio, where the case has been so far, they do have grandparents rights for visitation, though all the cases I have read about have been overturned by the Supreme Court. We plan to move the case to California as soon as we can if the Ohio courts allow...but have to wait until my step-son is here 6 months. Then our Ohio attorney plans to petition the court to move the case, which she said is very likely, since the Magistrate and Judge in that county know what stunts the grandparents have pulled to date and are not happy with them at all. I am not sure whether to file for the adoption in Ohio or California. We have an attorney in Ohio that we really like...but want things moved to California so that if the grandparents try to pull anything else they will have to fly here to deal with it, instead of my husband going there all the time. We don't plan to send my step-son out to Ohio again until we have a written visitation plan. Despite all the problems his grandparents have caused, he still needs to see them and his siblings. We have offered them basically what a parent would get...half of his breaks, every other Christmas and Easter, and 3 weeks in the summer. We aren't willing to give them any more than that. And I am sure the court won't either. Especially this court because they already know what kind of people the grandparents are. I don't think my step-son knows about any of this, so he is unaware about how two-faced they are, and what problems they have caused. One of my main concerns is that he may not want me to adopt him. On his last visit, we had a falling out because of the way he treated me...I think because I enforce the rules in our house. He told the Guardian when we were fighting for custody that he and I don't get along. I think we get along fine most of the time. He just got here on Saturday, and so far everything is good here. He is talking to me, asking questions, etc. It seems like the resentment he had for me is gone. I just don't know how he would feel about an adoption. We don't want to erase his mother, and we will have to work on how to explain that I am not trying to replace her.
SOunds like you have a lot to deal with. I would put the adoption on the back burner for now. THere is so much going on witht the ohio case and stuff like that. IN the state of california you do have the right to adopt the child and the adoption would go through. IF it were just the grandparents that is one thing however it is siblings involed and I would question the grandparents motives for everything. Are they trying to be jerks about the situation or are they thinking they are trying to protect their grandson. Either way I would wait it all out. If in 6 months the case gets transfered you no longer have to worry about the visitation status of the grand parents. However it would be a battle between you and the grandparents if something happened to the husband. I think a lot of people pursue the adoption for the security of the childs future. MY husband did! I am not trying to discourage the situation but have you think about the affects of this adoption. IF you know you will get the child back in one piece then why not consent to visitation. IT is difficult with your situation because HEre is this boy who lived with his siblings and near his grandparents for his life and now the courts ordered him to move away from the family he knows( I know it is not your fault) But we have to go beyond what his mom did and feel what the child feels. IF something really did happen to the father maybe going back to ohio would make him happier than staying with you. The bottom line is that if you do want to adopt him he needs to know and who you are actually battling. YOu are not replacing his mother but you are trying to secure his future. I do not know what kind of people his grandparents are or whether it is a case of misunderstanding however when the case gets transfered to cali then you do not need to battle the grandparents anymore for custody. There was a guy a while back who was dealing with ohio courts in his adoption Let me see if I caN FIND HIs thread
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AJB's Mom, We don't plan on doing the adoption for 6 months, hopefully after transferring the case to California. My step-son was actually excited about moving to California to live with us. His main concern was that he be able to talk to his siblings, which was never an issue. We have consented to visitation, and a lot of it. We offered them half of all his breaks, every other Christmas and every other Easter. The grandparents are unreasonable in asking for every minute he is not in school. He has a lot of other family on my husband's side, not to mention we would like time with him as well. If something happened to my husband, I would leave it up to my step-son to decide whether he wanted to return to Ohio to live with his grandparents, or stay in California with me and his siblings here. We have had his best interests in mind all along. It was a hard decision to fight for custody, knowing what he would be leaving behind. But he has a much better chance at a good future here. The concern with the adoption is that if he chose to stay here, I want him to have that option. And if he chose to move back, I want visitation so he doesn't lose touch with his siblings here, or my husbands other family. His grandparents have been unreasonable from the start. They wanted custody and lied to get it. Then they only offered my husband supervised visits, for no reason...since his mother let him come to California for visits. Then when they lost custody, they demanded to have him with them whenever he was out of school for 5 days. They lied to him, telling him if he moved to Calif. he would never speak to his siblings again. He was devastated obviously, until he found out he would see them. That is when he became excited about the move. It is just hard because they keep lying to the courts and to him, while we have been honest from the beginning. And we have been generous with visitation offers, but they offered my husband supervised visits in their home. It's ridiculous. That is not in his best interest. They are not concerned with his psychological well-being either, since they don't care whether his counselor recommends Ohio visits.
So the best thing is honesty all around even with him. Let him decide on the adoption. I know once you have the cards in your hands it is the best thing. I know. Unfortunately, My bio grandparents want nothing to do with my daughter since the adoption. NOw she is too young to understand but when she gets older, That is when she will know the truth. BEsides you do not need to notify the grandparents of the adoption, at least I am pretty sure of that. SO I would go about the adoption without the knowledge of them. Seeing they pull all these stunts they might try and say that he would no longer be able to see the siblings. The best thing is to discuss the plans with the child. LEt him lead you where you are going on your decisions. Do not go into detail on things the child does not know instead use ways that the child was lied to personally to adapt your arguement and also make sure you encourage his visits with his grandparents. If it was just his grandparents I would blow things off but it is his siblings that it would be a shame to break apart. Well in six months if you do decide on the adoption or have any questions before, I still read up.
We will discuss the adoption with him when the time comes. Six months will come right around the time I have another baby, so I think it may be a good time to bring it up. Since everyone, including the new baby, will have our last name. Also, most children have their father's last names, so hopefully the idea of changing his name doesn't make him feel any less connected to his siblings or mother. The courts asked my husband if he planned to change his name, and our position has always been that he could change it if he wanted to, but we saw no need for it. Hopefully that will be something that he wants. My husband and I really think it's the best way to protect him, so that he will always have the option to see ALL his family, not just his mother's side of the family, which was the case for 8 years. There have been so many changes for him lately that we don't even want to bring the adoption up yet. I agree that I don't believe we even have to notify the grandparents, though I am sure it will come up in his conversations with them. I want to make sure visitation is all worked out before they have any idea we are considering adoption. If it was just the grandparents, we would reduce the amount of visitation we were offering. We think he really needs the time with his siblings though...so although the grandparents have really made a mess of things we have to keep trying with them. After all, this is about our son, not about them. I just wish they would see it that way.
They will never see it that way and if they do let me know what you said or did because I have a child that her bio grandparents have the same attitude. YOu have 6 months to worry about the whole adoption thing so I would just wait out the course but to be honest the social worker does ask for the reason why you want to adopt the child and the way you are coming across right now they may not think it is in the childs best interest. All I hopei is that the child is in counsling right now and that things work out well for your whole family no matter what it may involve.
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Right...I know the reasoning needs to be about us being one whole family, which I am sure will be the case as well. I treat him like I treat my own child, and I know I always will. He is part of my husband and so was part of our family even before we found him. But at the same time...a lot of the reasons right now are more to protect our family, to keep us all connected if anything happens to my husband. I know it would tear me apart if I never saw him again...even though he hasn't been with us that long...because I have always considered him part of our family...since I first found out my husband had a child I also know what it feels like to have siblings you never knew growing up...because my father has 8 children by 5 different women...and I really wish I had the opportunity to know them all........I have met most of them...and have relationships with a few now as adults...but we missed out on a lot because my father doesn't understand what family is