How to tell a 5-year old...

February 7, 2005

How do you tell a 5-yo who was adopted as an infant that she is adopted?

Is it better to do it as a sitdown conversation and tell her?, or to wait until she might next ask about birth and/or how babies come, or some other similar context?

I can appreciate now the value of the child knowing before he/she knows he/she knows, and maybe that is still possible - to some degree - at five.

We want to do the right thing in the right way for her.

Any thoughtful insights or helpful suggestions will be appreciated.

Thank you.

Jensboys

February 7, 2005

In my opinion, waiting for her to ask is like lying by omission and tells the child there is something shameful about being adopted. She IS an adoptee (even if you forget she wasnt born to you or even though you couldnt love her any more) :) and she needs to know that being adopted is ok - that feeling all sorts of feelings about being adopted is ALSO ok (like happy, sad, lonely, mixed up) and that being adopted is a NORMAL thing. She wasnt hatched - and then adopted - she was born, like everyone else, she has birth parents (like everyone else) and then she has adopted parents (like alot of other people).

There are some REALLY great books for kids that explain adoption ... check out any online book store. Be prepared to answer questions about her first parents ... do you have pictures and info about them? This is a great time to talk about them ... encourage her questions.

She might feel some things that make you uncomfortable but you have to remember that this is about HER not about our own insecurities as adoptive parents. If you can separate your own fears / thoughts/ insecurities / unknowns from HER reality of having two sets of parents and being interested in that -- you will be the doing ALOT to support your daughter, and thus being a better mommy/daddy to her :)

Let us know how it goes.

Jen

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TarheelTJ

February 7, 2005

Perhaps I wasn't clear.

It is not a question about waiting for her to ask about her specific circumstances.

We know we need to do it and we want to do it soon. We don't have a clear path as to how to do it given the circumstances, and what will work best for her.

A lot of sites and books talk about effectively adapted infant adoptees not remembering being told - that it was a fact, thereby implying that it was a part of life from a much younger age than the earliest ages of recall.

My question is simply what is an appropriate way to bring it up with a 5-yo.

Jensboys

February 7, 2005

Immediately :)

Some good ways, Read a story book about a little girl that was adopted ... through the story talk with her about how the story is like or unlike how she joined your family.

Or, Does your daughter have a life book? (thats like a baby book but adapted for adoptees). It should have pictures of you waiting to adopt, pictures of her birth family, the hospital story etc Kids are FASCINATED with anything that has to do with themselves. You could work on one together as a way to help her understand the process of her birth and her adoption.

Honestly, by 5 your daughter should already be VERY familiar with the word adoption and that she was adopted. At five, this news might come as a shock and be harder for her to absorb than if she had been told from infancy.

Jen

TarheelTJ

February 7, 2005

Now this is very helpful. Thank you for telling us what we should have been doing. We will really be able to use this going forward.

My mistake for posting here.

Jensboys

February 7, 2005

I am sorry you were offended. It is reality that it might come as a shock to your daughter as I am sure by 5 she has assumed that she was born into your family (and might even have been told that as I know both my bio kids asked about it way before 5).

It was a suggestion that having resources available to her and to you might be a good idea (expect a shocked reaction, possibly anger, grief, denial etc). These are NORMAL reactions to a child being told at age 5, along with curiousity, interest, and fascination.

It will be harder for you to tell your daughter at 5 than if you had told her at 1 (and continually from that point forward). Its reality. I am sorry that you werent told it wouldnt be an issue and there will be no ramifications ... but that would be lying. This is an important issue in the life of being an adoptive parent and you will get lots of advice at the forums ... I hope you stay.