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Hi all,
I am a regular on the Russia Boards, having brought home my daughter late last year.
Though she has only been home a few months, the question of who's my poppa has come up several times. She isn't upset about not having her own poppa as she has a grandpa and two uncles who take great interest in her. Have been there for the father/daughter dance (yes 4 months home at the age of 6 she had her first father/male role model/daughter dance).
She handles this very well, but has sometimes gotten a little defensive - during a playdate a friend asked me where's her dad, I said it was just me and her and she pipes in defensively but we have grandpa's and uncles.
Several occasions when asked I have heard her say she doesn't have a dad, she has a mommydaddy.
Well we are in a nail salon last week and some worker there just wouldn't stop pushing for details.
This was the conversation:
worker to my daughter: where's your dad
dd: I don't have one
worker: you must somewhere
dd: no
worker to me: are you keeping him away
me: no, its just me.
dd: she's my 'mommydaddy'
worker: why keep him away
me (finally): I adopted her singly there is no father.
Basically the last time I go to that salon. I can't believe he didn't take the hint to stop questioning. For now my answers did not bother my dd. However I can see that in several months she will not like me telling people she is adopted. I also don't want to get defensive as that will give her the idea there is something shameful about our family structure.
Long story short, how have you handled these situations.
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Have you tried answering the "Where is dad" question with "I adopted Martha as a single parent"? That might nip it in the bud
I know many parents are hesitant to use the word adoption when explaining their family, because they don't want to make their child feel differently, but if you were to put the focus of the adoption on you, rather than your child, it removes the label.
There is huge difference between saying, œShes adoptedҔ and I adopted herӔ.
I was a single mom for five years to my bio son who is special needs, and I never faced these issuesbut when I read your post, I thought I might at least offer the suggestion that came to mind!
I hope youŒre able to get it figured outIŒm sure youll get some great responses!
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I have never been confronted by someone so aggressively rude - I'm still kind of taken aback by his insistance. I think Brandy's answer was good - "I adopted her, and I'm single" - but I'm thinking in this case I *might* have been upset enough to have replied with something in the order of "that's private information", or even "that's none of your business!" I'll do almost anything to avoid confrontation, but really, that's just too much! (I think I'd also send a letter to the owner of the shop, telling them why I would no longer be a client.)
I can't believe that this guy in the salon was so out of line. I would call too. It is one thing to be rude in front of the adult, but in front of a child! You are better than me if you just left without saying something.
My three year old asks about this with me and we talk about different families and we have a grandpa and uncles, and cousins etc. I would be/will be furious when a stranger goes over the line like this.
How did the dance go with her uncle or grandpa? I think about that scenario - she will have an escort - but my thought is that it would still be awkward. I am not sure that I think that schools should be doing these types of things. I didn't have them when I was young, but maybe it was only me.
Thanks for your responses. I think with practice I will get more accustomed to anwering this. It just catches you off guard occasionally.
Male role model/daugther dance went well. My brother had a blast with her, as she did with him. I was really surprised that the schools still do this but I live in a very homogenous area (very rare to see a single parent at all, let alone by choice).
They took pictures and she did get asked by her teacher who he was - as the teacher knows I am single. She very proudly told them that's mama's brother. None of her friends at school seem to care at this point - hopefully that won't change.
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Spay, can I borrow your line...."why do you need to know?" That's perfect!
I got asked by a 10 year old (with no parent in sight), in the change room of the Y last week, while being 1/2 naked and chasing a fully dressed Liam through the showers that were on, where Liam's Daddy was. I simply stated "he doesn't have one".... Ms. Nosey Parker continued with "why?" So I plainly stated "because he has 2 Moms." I think she would have kept going but Liam took off again, so I was spared any further grilling.