We AREN"T a Commodity...

'Gotcha day' is something I think we will all agree about - for bmums we don't give our child lightly to adoption as if he/she is a commodity (I certainly didn't think of my bson as a commodity), aparents receive their child with love, and adoptees are precious people who deserve respect for who they are particularly as they don't choose to be adopted. Montravia :)

wow, see, i continue to learn from you all. We finalize sometime in june/july, and we've been trying to get an idea of what to do. celebrating seemed a bit awkward, since we know that day means something very different to bfamily (even though they're in chicago, it seemed wrong somehow). so now i have an alternative. I like the idea of a family day, a day to celebrate our larger extended family. thanks again for pointing out just how valuable these boards are. Lisa

We celebrate "Family Day" every year which is a combination of celebrating the day we first met our sons, and celebrating our family. Its a party, but also a time of remembering. We dont do gifts -- but we have a cake with three candles and read a poem or prayer as we light each one. One for the boys first families, one for their foster families and one for our family. It tends to spark our deepest conversations of the year on adoption, our family, loss and gain in adoption etc. Here we are at family day 2004

well, this probably puts me in the "bad adoptive parent" category, but....we don't officially celebrate the "family day" thing. My feeling is we are a family regardless how we came to be a family and would rather just celebrate the family as a whole, not as the day we met you etc. We have 4 "family days" where we go out and do something special but it's not to celebrate "that day", just the family. Maybe later that will change if my kids voice an opinion one way or the other but right now too much emphasis on "adoption" seems to make them sad. Not saying we don't discuss it at all, it's just not a huge focus. I'm interested though....what do adult adoptees think of this? Would it make you feel "they never celebrated this unique tradition or officially recognized it and therefore it made me angry, sad etc." or ???? Thoughts? Crick

Although I don't like 'gotcha', I don't see anything wrong with the word 'got'. It isn't always used in relation to material possessions (such as, 'I got married on June 5th'). According to the dictionary it comes from the Old Norse 'beget' and way back to some Greek word that meant 'to hold'. It seems like words get invested with negative emotions by the hearers, and I suppose whatever word we change to today will be offensive in 20 years. If we change from 'gave up' to 'made a plan for adoption', in 20 years we'll be posting about the word 'plan' making it sound like a baby is like a project at our jobs. Although after I got interested in adopting I learned to be p.c. and not to use the phrase 'gave up', I think it is a very appropriate expression because the mother has the child and the parental rights to the child, and the child only becomes adoptable after the mother signs away (gives up) her rights (and ditto for the father too of course). I don't think the word or idea of giving is offensive, it seems like there are people who feel that giving is only possible if there is no caring. But if we can give our trust to God, or give our hearts to our spouse, then the word give isn't a bad word. I think it absorbed the negative feelings people have about adoption (or being adopted), but changing the words won't get rid of the negative feelings (in my opinion) and they will eventually pollute the next set of terminology. For example, someone may ask 'when did you get your daughter?' and if a person has no negative feelings that might be as acceptable as 'when did you get married?', both being the entry into a holy family relationship. But if you have negative emotions it may sound like the discussion of a possession, as in 'when did you get that dress?'. Of course 'daughter' is a noun like 'dress' is, so perhaps that is what makes it sound like a possession.

To start, Crick OF COURSE you are not in the bad aparent category silly! In my experience, adoption was made part of our 'birth stories' for lack of a better phrase: the way I tell my 2 biokids about the day I gave birth to them in the hospital, complete with the nuances of each of their stories (how son had a cone head, how daughter screamed like a banshee, etc.) I was told about the day my parents 'picked me up' from the agency: what the social worker said, the first smile I gave to my dad, what the car ride home was like... this was the blessed event that made us a family. It didn't need a special day in our family - it was a part of the story I asked for before bed at night. How We Came To Be Together. Jen I do LOVE how your family day is a good catalyst for talking about adoption. In that way it is a great idea for starting dialogue about a topic that may be hard to bring up from an adopted kid's perspective (MY issue - my parents were very open to hearing from me but I wasn't as open about bringing things UP to them)And what a great Pic!Crick - no anger, sadness from me...but there are probably adoptees who didn't have their adoption stories woven into their lives that may have these issues. Great thread 6boys! :D

Crissy, Ditto...in my family our adoption stories were our ":birth stories".....we loved hearing about them and my kids did too Donna

Ok now that we are sharing pictures.. I couldnt resist.. :rolleyes: Crick.. of course you arent wrong.. I think children who are adopted at an older age.. know that these are not their biological parents.. And i think its GREAT to celebrate wit such love as Jen does. When I was adopted at birth, the story of the day when my parents first met me has always been a beautiful one and here ill repeat it. I was adopted from CC.. the Nun told my parents that I cried all the time , even when being held. So Mom and Dad saw me laying there in the crib. The Nun picked me up and placed my in my fathers arms.. Immediately I stopped crying. Dad says she was shocked because I had never done that before and said to him something like "God brought her to you" and thats where it all began. :) So we never technically celebrated the day i was brought home- but my parents never forgot the date and didnt have to be reminded of it later in life. so to crick.. i know what you are saying and by all means dont think that you are the oddball:) Now as for my boys.. here they are.. PS take a guess which one is the trouble maker? lol :eek:

Oh your boys are beautiful :) Jen

Chrissy - thanks! And you bring up an excellent point about the "birth story" similarity. My kids always want to hear about the day we first got their picture and how I just knew they were going to be our family. They'll get the picture off the wall and ask "what did you think of me?" etc. Guess in some ways it can be similar to seeing an ultrasound picture for the first time and explaining to your child all the feelings you had at that time. Thanks for the gentle nudge and reminder! Crick

Crick - I don't feel sad or angry or hurt because a special day was not celebrated for the day I was adopted. But then the story of my adoption was always a part of my life - my birth story as some here have said. I love the term "birth story" because birth symbolizes " a new beginning " and when I was adopted it was " a new beginning " I love the idea of a Family Day to celebrate with Family and extended family friends sharing together. I guess it all boils down to what feels right for one's family. Each family is unique and that's what makes this world such a wonderful place. The most important thing to remember is to nurture the love between child and parents, siblings, family and friend Carol

Crick We never celebrated Family Day either. My experiences were very similar to Chrissy's. I'm sure you are a great mom! 6boys- Your children are beautifyl! What a wonderful picture of ALL of them! The all look great. We try to get my 2 kids and my brother's 3 in pictures all together for my parents and we can never get one where they all look even "ok" - someone ALWAYS has a HORRIBLE look!

I can't begin to describe the wealth of information that I've gained by reading and sharing the experiences of the adoptees on this board. Sometimes the stories break my heart. Many times they make me smile or laugh. They always make me pause and consider: what can I do to be a better bmom, friend, and confidante to K? How can I refine that role to suit what she needs? How can I best help her as she grows? Also: how can I be a better adoptive mom? How can I ensure that I honor and recognize my child's first family, and their unique self, while always, always letting them know how loved they are as a part of our family? This thread brings up a great consideration: being most concerned with the welfare of the CHILD, not me. Obviously, that's what should be first. It's nice to be gently reminded like this, though. So many of you have been a great help and inspiration to me. If I neglected to thank you personally before, I'll be more careful to do it in the future. :D Thanks for being here and helping us all.

Thanks all....sorry if it seems like I'm taking anything away from the adoptee focus. Not my intent at all... (really...it's ALL about me....) LOL!:) Linnie - one of my kids ALWAYS closes their eyes for pics. So 6boys...what's the secret to a great pic?

Great Thread! :) We don't celebrate the day our children joined our family. I always felt those days were the most painful for their bparents and I just couldnt' celebrate the day knowing it was the worst day of my daughter's bmom's life. I see her tears on that day. I can't celebrate it. Not that I am not happy and want to celebrate my children joining our family, only that I know of the pain involved in adoption and I just can't celebrate someone else's loss. We celebrate their birth days. I like the idea of a Family Day's, I might even use it. :) To me the words "gotcha" seem much more appropriate for a child left in a orphange then for a domestic adoption, JMHO. I can understand the terms there. Children left waiting for parents to come and claim them. I don't think 'gotcha' is a bad term for international adoption. Also, I often wonder why many do seem to not take the opinions of an adoptee from the closed area seriously, especially their feelings of open adoption. I've seen many posts where these adoptes were told their opinion doesn't matter because they didn't have an open adoption. I think that is so wrong. I think their opinions do matter and do count, at least to me they do. I've learned a weath of information from this forum that will forever change the lives of myself, my children and their bfamilies. I read all the posts by adoptee's no matter how painful it is for me to read, because I want to know what you feel and how you think. I've cried at some posts, I've laughed at others but mostly I just absorbed it all, disect it in my mind, come to terms with it, take what I need, disregard what I don't. I am thankful that you share your stories with us, you share your opinons, you educate those of us who have never been adopted. For this, I thank all adoptee's and bparents who participate on this forum; for it is from you that I learn the most. Jensboys and 6boys, CUTE FAMILIES, CUTE BOYS! Thank you for sharing your pictures. I can only imagine the laundry and cooking in your homes. :) hugs,