Help, I need ideas

I am very sorry that you were treated this way by the nation. Do you have any idea why they reacted so horribly? While it is true that very few live the culture, there are still elements of the culture that survives. In fact, I will be attending a gathering in Northeast Oklahoma next month. Most traditional gatherings are not facilitated throught the tribe. The gathering that I am attending is held in conjunction with a Native Christian church. Traditional gatherings are not advertised, but are instead part of a community dynamic. This makes it difficult to get involved unless you are already in the community. However, it is possible. If you can let me know where you live, I might could help point you in a direction. As for the language, the nation does publish good resources and has classes. I recommend you start early. Children learn languages better the younger they are. You stated that you are afraid that your child will feel rejected by his tribe. This will probably not be the case if you teach him to the true definition on Native. Being Native is not about a CDIB or tribal membership card--this is an arbitrary standard of Indianess that was forced on us by the federal government. If you have this, that is great, but it only means that you have Native ancestry. Being Native is a cultural issue. In order to be truly Native you must live the culture. Now this doesn't mean being fluent in the language, or being steeped in the ceremonies, necessarily. Many of the groups have lost those completely, through no fault of their own, and they cannot change that. Living the culture is about learning from the collective experience of those belonging to the Indian Nations and living by the basic principles of the beliefs. The traditions are great, and I encourage everyone to get involved. But they mean nothing if the core values of the culture is ignored.

NDN, thanks for your reply :) They reacted so horribly because I am not NA, and was in the process of adopting a NA child. I was asked to put his birth parent's names on a form (I had to inform them we were in the process of adopting him for medical purposes). I informed the woman that his birth parent's rights had been terminated, and she informed me that I still had to put their names on the paper so that they could have access to his file (after asking me if I or my dh had a CDIB card)! I don't know if she didn't understand what I was saying, or what. Anyway, I told her I didn't know their names (not the whole truth), and that even if I did, they had no right to his personal information anymore. She told me to leave them blank then. That was the first encounter. There have been other's that were similar. All of them letting me know that I was not his real mother and leading me to believe that they had every intention of letting his birth parents know his personal information if they happened to ask for it. Disclaimer: Please understand, I have no intention of keeping my son from finding his birth family if HE so chooses, and have even collected documents to make that as easy as possible for him some day, when he is old enough. However, due to circumstances, I think it should be his decision whether or not he has contact with his other family, not theirs. Would you be willing to pm me with the information about the event you are attending next month? I think that for now the best thing to do is be with the people, and stay away from the government aspect of the tribe. As you said, being NA is a culture, so that's where we need to be I suppose. I want to give this another try for my son's sake.

THat's great that you are thinking about him and his needs. Is there anyway you can get him enrolled? I know my tribe was 'mean' to me until i proved to them who i was. It was funny because when i said send me an enrollment app. they sent our tribal constitution highlighting the fact I had to prove I was at least 1/4. After i was enrolled there were still a few rude women that said EVERYTHING was confidential protecting b-mom. I said BS and drove down there. It's not up to them to decide whether or not i belong now because I now have a relationship with my relatives on the rez.

adopted_78, thanks for your reply :) He is enrolled, but his father and I are not, which is the problem, I think. The attitude I got was "how dare you adopt one of OUR children". Which frustrates me to no end because CN tried for over a year to place him with a NA family and they all turned him down :confused: These 2 things have caused us to back way off in the effort to try to keep this attitude from making his life harder than it has to be. We've decided, for now, until he is mature enough to understand things better we will learn about the tribal history, go to events (the ones open to the public) and hopefully learn the language (still trying to get my hands on curriculum of some sort).

You are aware and concerned which will mean alot to him when he is older and understands what is going on. I think the most important thing would be make sure he's exposed to other people that are like him so he doesnt feel all alone. Will he be going to school with other Native children?

He isn't school age yet, but we live in the "birth place" of the Choctaw Nation. So yes, he sees NA people around him all the time :) It's just when we deal with the governmental side of his tribe that we get the cold shoulder. I hope we can give him enough.......I guess I worry about that with all my children though. Will I be able to give them what they need to be happy, healthy children and, some day, adults? I suppose all I can do is my best and hope and pray.

"I hope we can give him enough.......I guess I worry about that with all my children though. Will I be able to give them what they need to be happy, healthy children and, some day, adults? I suppose all I can do is my best and hope and pray." I think so far you are on the right track in giving him what he needs. Just don't do what my a-mom does and tell him how he should feel about ...adoption, being indian, his tribe, biofamily, icwa...etc..But you probably already know that :)

I have a good inkling of what you are going through. We were told not to involve our child with her tribe, until she was older. We were told that she was very identifiable as to whose family she was from and that there could be a lot of problems, at that point in time. So, I went back to university to study the history of anthropology of her cultural group. We moved out of the country, and when we moved back, it was to an area right next to a reserve. She had a difficult time fitting in at school, because the white kids couldn't relate to her, and the native kids were suspicious. She chose her native culture over the white kids. It was good in that she had new ways of interacting and becoming comfortable with her culture. We were lucky, in that in Canada, native children are automatically enrolled in there tribe, at birth. Once she turned 18 and knew her last name, she was put on the main role of the tribe. Her children are fully enrolled members as well. They have all the rights any other tribe member has, in regards to educational, health services ect. I don't understand what you mean when you say the tribe does not approve. I am assuming that your son needed a home, and that one within the tribe was not found. It is far better for the child to be you than bouncing around the foster care system. I work as a Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) in Washington state. We have very special laws that must be followed if a child brought into custody and there is any possibility that the child is Native American. Just before Christmas, I helped grandparents from a New Mexico, take custody of their grandchildren who are 1/2 native. They had been wanting to help the children since they were born, but their mtoher basically concealed their whereabouts. So far this has worked well. Obviously things will not be perfect, but we have set up services there. They are being welcomed into their community, and I am not sure why you have had such disapproval. I believe that the tribe you refer to was the tribe that initally pushed a lot of family custody rules. It seems inconsistent to try and turn you away when they are saying he should lhave more contact. It cannot work both ways! Frances

Really? I am shocked that you were treated with indefference by the Cherokee Nation. Have you been to tahlequah to see all that is available there, the museum, the classes, the Trail of Tears reinactment? There are so many of us that are members of the tribe that dont "look" like it. I birthed a green eyed blond, but our heritage is very meaningful to all of us.

My DH and I adopted a NA child. We are not NA. My son is registered with his tribe. I have some children's story books and have ordered some language materials and CDs from his tribe. I have just sent a request for his registreation card to be re-issued in his adoptive name. We will see what happens. The tribe was not very nice or helpful to us either. I tried to keep in contact with a great aunt that lives on the reservation but she has chosen not to. It is nice to see others in a similar situation.

I hate to tell you, but when you were soliciting information for your son, by not disclosing to who was asking what you knew made it impossible for anyone to help your son. He may have extended family right where you were asking. His bmom may have had very specific reasons for placing him, and you may have very specific reasons for her and the bdad tonot know anything about your son, but without that information they cannot enroll him, and noone is protected. You have to be able to trust to his people that they want what's best for everybody, and, that it's not personal, because you are non-native, but protective of you all, given that you didn't want to disclose the little information you have. I'm sorry.

at least your child will have his tribal affiliation when/if he wants it. i was born & adopted before the law was enacted in 1979. i may never know my Cherokee heritage, they may never want me to be a part of them as i was adopted by white parents. i am half or a quarter Cherokee but i am afraid i will never be accepted by them. my bmom came from TN to GA to give birth to me & put me up for adoption. i know very little about her except she was 14 when i was born & is either half or full Cherokee. i have a hole in me. my a-parents are so great but this is about me missing a part of myself. i am glad you care so much about your son & how it will be when he is older! Cat

Hi! I am a white girl from Michigan and I was adopted by a half cherokee, and my grandma her mom is 100% Cherokee! Her mother lived in tents in 1913 and they were the real thing! I loved them so much. I am so happy I was raised by the indian, but would rather have had my biological mom than the one I got! And, they don't let anyone on the registry anymore even if you are full blood i've heard.

I'm not suprised you were treated badly by the tribe. My experience with the Cherokee tribe hasn't been very positive. Many people in OK who deal with adoption have difficulties with the Cherokee tribe. The Cherokee tribe has to consent to the adoption of Cherokee children, and they do not consent to adoption of children outside the tribe. How on earth did you gain the tribes consent to adopt a Cherokee child if you are not Cherokee? I've heard horror stories about how far the tribe will go to prevent the placement of a Cherokee tribe with a non-Cherokee family, even over ruling the wishes of biological parents. My husband is an enrolled member of the Cherokee tribe. My oldest adopted daughter is eligible for membership, and was adopted under the ICWA. When I tried to get her membership card, I discovered the social worker never applied for the card prior to adoption. The tribe was no help in sorting this out. We are probably going to have to go back to court to sort it all out.