Advertisements
Hello, I just found these forums, and I'm hoping someone can give me some advice. In June 1999, my daughter placed my gr. daughter, Makayla, into a supposedly open adoption through an agency in Colorado. The aparents live in Utah. For the 1st year, we received several packets of photos and brief updates - then they aparents wrote and said that they weren't going to maintain contact after the 1st year. After 2 yrs. of no contact, we contacted the adoption agency in CO, and they contacted the aparents, and we started getting photos & updates again. The adoption agency also suggested that we send cards/photo's to Makayla through out the year. So, for the last couple of years, I've sent her a card on her birthday & at Christmas, with various photos - she has 2 half sisters and a half brother, plus cousins, her mom, me, etc. - so I've sent a few different photos at different times, identifying who everyone is. And, for the last couple of years, we've received some photos & a short update right after Christmas. This year, I again sent a Christmas card to Makayla, and one to her aparents, Rick & Marsha. Correspondence has always been channeled through the adoption agency - since we aren't supposed to know their last name, or where exactly they are in Utah. Finally, last Monday, I recieved a card - one tiny photo, and a message saying that they don't want to continue corresponding any more, and that they feel "that pictures of the first five years should be sufficient". I immediately tried to contact the adoption agency, and discovered that it went out of business Feb. 28th of this year. Now, I don't know what to do. There was a correspondense address on what's left of the Adoption agency's web site, so I wrote a letter to Rick & Marsha, pretty much begging them not to shut us off like this - and one to the ladies that used to run the agency, hoping that maybe one of them will contact me and be able to help. From what I've been reading, I'm really worried - it doesn't seem like they are legally bound to honor the adoption agreement. Is that correct? A couple of questions: The aparents are Latter Day Saints - is there any possibility of getting help there - through the main organization, or the local temple? How old does Makayla have to be before we can contact her direct - 18 or 21? And, IF we thought we knew where she lived, what are the pros & cons of hiring a private investigator to confirm it - NOT to make contact, just to know where she is and keep tabs that way? We have never interferred with their life, or asked for vists - nothing like that - and we don't intend to. We just want photos and an update once a year (at least until she is MUCH older). If they feel that the cards & photos from us will upset Makayla, then all they need to do is put them away until she's older. I feel like it's important for her to know that her bfamily loves her and thinks about her (maybe not now, but in the future), and a lifetime of cards & photos can help her to know that. This whole adoption thing has been very difficult (I know you have all been there), but I've been able to deal with it okay as long as I had some idea of how she was, what she looks like, etc. I'm not sure how to deal with the lack of that. The only thing I know for sure now is that someday, when she is older, I will meet this wonderful child. And until then, I will continue to send her cards & photos - and hope they get there. At least I will be able to tell her that I did that much. Thank you for letting me ramble on - I would appreciate any words of wisdom from any of you - I'm really not expecting a magic solution - I guess I just need someone to ramble to. My best to all of you,Kim
Like
Share
Kim, sadly you are experiencing the reality of open adoption in many states. Its not legally binding and there is really no legal recourse for you to take. I think your ideas are good - contacting the temple might be an option, (but I dont know how successful it will be). Obviously they have no comprehension that openness is NOT about being nice to you, its about what is best for the child.
You can contact the child directly at 18.
God Bless and I am so sorry for this travesty.
Jen
Advertisements
Well, I think the above posts have already given some good advice and such. Your post just caught my eye because of the name Makayla, my 2 yr old that I placed for adoption, I named McKayla, the aparents named her Allie so I call her that now too. Anyway, I'm sorry to hear of your situation. I think its great that you want your bgranddaughter to know about you and everything and I think it should be that way also, but unfortunately as Jen said I don't think there is a whole lot that can be done as far as legally. I would have suggested contacting the agency, but since they've gone out of business, that obviously isn't going to help much. I wish I could be of more help to you and I'm sorry that this is happening to you and your daughter. You came to the right place to vent though. You're in my prayers and I wish you the best in this. Good Luck and God Bless. Anne :)
kim,
I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. It sounds as if you might know a bit about the aparents and what their last name may be. I see no problem in hiring a PI to confirm the info you have. at that point you can figure out what to do: whether to approach or not. The more info you have now the better, since you can then sit on the info it if you want.
I wish you the best. I have to say that I'm not sure why people do things like this. we are thrilled to have dd's bgrandparents in her life and have asked them to remain her grandparents. As a person who only knew her grandma, I firmly believe you can't have too many grandparents! I hope you're reconnected with her soon,
Lisa
Dear Birthgrandmother,
I believe for the peace of God to overtake you! I also believe for the wisdom of God to arrest your thinking and take your decision making right to the fastest, least expensive means for you to get the information you need AND deserve.
I am seriously considering beginning an agency for open adoptions that have gone wrong because the aparents (and sometimes bparents) have reneged on what they agreed to do before the adoption papers were signed.
We live with so much selfish gratification, it seems the best interest of the child has been "left behind." It's not right when your type of situation happens, for so many reasons. The most compelling reason, of course, is the child's need to know the love of all the family members. We cannot depend on the laws of the land to support family. Laws only support opinions and decisions based upon political reasonings not family or family values.
I'm in the process of working through some of the issues you are posing here. There is NO doubt, however, that I would pursue getting the information that would help you to know where your granddaughter is and that she is well. My biggest concern for our grandchildren who have been placed is that they absolutely know, they were wanted and they were not abandoned. If the aparents could only realize they CANNOT give our grandchildren that absolute assurance.
God Bless
Advertisements
I can see why you would want to go through a PI to keep tabs but its not necessarily a great idea. If they're not wanting you guys involved and they happen to find out about the PI situation OR someone gets too emotional and contacts them directly (when the heart is involved....things happen) it could be a pretty big problem for you guys... I mean in the long term, not necessarily legally. Their opinion of you guys will affect her desire/ability to contact you guys after 18.
I know that much of this hurts you but I can't imagine how badly it would hurt the child. Do you know for sure if she has seen the pictures etc you sent? If she has seen the pictures this must be confusing for her to no longer hear from you guys. Yet if they've never shared the information with her, then I can see why they might think its not a big deal to stop communication. Some families would rather forget its an adoption so the contact is a reminder that she was not born of them, just as it is a reminder for you guys that she is not with you any longer. But the healing that it can bring to the family as a whole can be wonderful.
Since you are not "supposed to have the last name" which I am going to assume means you do by accident, lets just leave it as if you don't have that name. Take all the precautions you can to respect their privacy and protect the child's future interests. SO... Here are a couple alternative ideas. I would write a few letters. One to the adoption people (I THINK they should be required to fix these things b/4 closing IMHO but thats just another pet peave of mine!). One to LDS. One to the family. I'm thinking, if you can contact the agency, send them the other two letters to be relayed to LDS with the family's information and HOPE that LDS will help you work out the "neutral third party" situation and relay your letter to the family.
Include in these letters as much empathy and understanding of their situation as you possibly can. Try not to be too dramatic or heartbroken (I know how hard it can be so that's why I mention it but outsiders won't understand how it really feels and the Afamily is emotionally involved and can't really empathise with you guys (obviously) so it might be threatening). Make it as factual, simple, and to the point as possible. Include your hopes for this "open adoption" (referring to its benefits for the adoptee) and your family's intent of respecting their privacy as well.
If you can't contact the agency ppl... I also thought about the PI idea in a different way as a LAST resort. Maybe a lawyer could help you out. Have him hire the PI so you don't know him and can't receive info from him. Have the lawyer keep the information sealed from your family. And utilize his office as the impartial third party. He can ensure them of his discretion and HOPEFULY you'll find a way to work this out.
I haven't heard of this being done before so who knows if it'll work. Its all just ideas so put more thought into it to be sure you don't overstep boundaries... only you know the situation completely.
Just remember, pressure is never a good idea when emotions are involved. If you get a "no thank you" back from them... don't push any further. We're talking about an 18 year wait (minus the current age of the girl) and then she can come to you when SHE is ready. :) Remember, conflict and drama aren't healthy for your family, the little girl, or her family so no matter what is going on, work on finding peace in accepting the situation as it is currently and expect nothing more than what you have so that whatever you receive is a gift!
SORRY THIS IS SO LONG!!! I just got inspired! :)
Janet
Kim,
Please do not feel daunted or discouraged in your efforts to get the information. The "pressure" referred to in one of posts that the aparents may feel because you try to find out information should have been nothing less than what the aparents should've expected for "dropping out" of the contact commitment. That's the problem now with the open adoption and lack of enforceability (to a great extent, even in the 11 states that say they have enforceable open adoption statutes). The aparents are coached many times by attorneys who tell them to do whatever it takes to get to the finalization. At that point, aparents have all the control. While this post sounds as though aparents who do this are the "bad" people, I truly believe that is not usually the case. I believe many times the aparents are coerced and duped as badly as the bparents. So this is not a generalization of either adoptive or birthfamily. However, reneging is unacceptable.
It is also not acceptable that the adoptive families who do "close" an open commitment are "protected" by comments suggesting that the pressure from the birthfamily will adversely affect the child and that the afamily may say things that would put the bfamily in a bad light. Are you kidding me? The child has already been adversely affected and disparaging remarks through innuendos or outright statements have already happened if the birthfamily is having to deal with the afamily "closing" the adoption. In other words, the damage is done.
Nothing the birthfamily could do in terms of staying in contact (*within legal limits, of course) could possibly cause further harm to the child. Everyone is having to live with an obviously poor decision on the part of both families when the contact commitment has been dropped without adequate communication and/or mediation.
Abandoning the child on any level is unacceptable. Abandoning, if you have been in the child's (or grandchild's) life, will adversely affect the child too! Is that o.k.? No, I do not accept or condone giving the child over to a situation that is unacceptable because of broken promises and selfish fears.
Please, post readers, leave out the overly used cliche' "two wrongs don't make a right." Letting a wrong go unchallenged is morally and ethically wrong also. So either way the bfamily turns, it's a wrong, right? Again, bfamily choosing an afamily was a choice based upon trust and integrity. (And vis versa-not just about afamilies reneging) Just because the bfamily was fooled by the facade of an afamily who chooses to "drop the contact" commitment, doesn't mean the family can't fight to make sure the child knows they are loved and wanted always!
Just my opinion....
They need to know!
*Legal limits meaning, no behaviors that constitute harrassment or stalking.