bmom needs advice on telling other children

I told my 13 year old about his older brother this summer. We had still a closed adoption at that point, but his questions made me instigate a search. Ten days later I had more answers. He was very excited and happy to have an older brother. His biggest complaint was not knowing sooner. He doesn't like secrets or being the last to know. Since then, I have come into contact with my first born. Once we get a little closer to him being arond physically..like a visit or even phome call...I will tell my other two..ages 4 and 2 1/2 I suspect that they will also just be excited and happy to have another brother. My expereince is that kids ..they just go with the joy of it..its adults who make it all crazy Good luck!!!

I absolutely agree with the others, Jenna made a good point that your husband needs to be respectful of you. Also I feel strongly that your daughter has a right to know your other children and vice versa - the younger ones could resent you for not telling them and I'm sure you don't want that. Your husband probably hasn't thought about your children being resentful about not being told at a suitable time or finding out from some one else so it is worth pointing this out to him. Hope all goes well. Hugs, Philippa :)

Amy,You have gotten some good advice here! As an adoptee who has always known.......I say Honesty is best.As far as how much to share, they are still young. The little ones especially don't need the full story, as they mature and are ready to understand more, they will ask. I guess the only question I would have is are you certain that your daughter is going to want to maintain a relationship with your children? It would be sad to get them all excited about things, only to have her pull away from you and them..........Not that they shouldn't know the truth, but the answer to this question may affect how deeply you discuss this with them, and what they are told at this point about a possible reunion.........JMHO! :)Good luck!

We had never mentioned our daughter - closed adoption, no expectations of ever meeting her, not searching - but she found us and we told our children. Some were away at school, we waited until we could share the news more or less at the same time with all of them, and they were fine. I was nervous as we've been open about other life issues, but mainly they were interested, have had varying levels of communication, but were accepting. One asked where the whole relationship was headed...we were up front about anything can happen from close contact forever to moving apart over time. We also started talking with friends and relatives once our sons knew what was going on. It helped to be open with others and we received a lot of suppoort that way, too. I hope things fall into place smoothly for you and your family. Sharon

Amy, I think that you might carry reservations in telling your children, due to your husbands behavior-so sad. I told my children as soon as they could understand-somewhere around 6, and they got it!! My daughters are thrilled that they have a big brother, and can't wait to meet him, which will actually be this October. Have faith in your children, as they tend to be more understanding than adults. Good luck, my heart is with you! Danielle

hope you'll tell 'em,soon ! say you are 'meeting'friends' at the park(etc.)! they (kids)handle thingsbetter than we realize ! hope your husband willsoften up and see what good could come of this !I had a (birthmom)friend that had married,her husband knew about the daughter she gave up,but didn't want her to tell his family and they havebeen married for 'bout 10yrs., I think by keeping'the secret' you're just making it harder to live'a normal life' !Even in my so-called 'loving family' didn't want metelling people 'bout my son ! but that is 'bout thefirst thing I tell them ! He is the only child I everhad,even though I don't have custody of him---I still feel a VERY STRONG LOVE for him! Patrick's birthmom(in ILL.) Lori Weis

Hi, don't know if you all are still around since this thread was started a while ago...But, I haven't been around this site in ages...so I'll introduce myself I am a 26yr adoptee that has been in reunion with bDad and his kids for just over a year now. Things are great on that end. But, gets complicated with my bMom...long story short, I found her by long hard search back in April 05 and have been in contact via phone (twice) and a few letters since June. She has an 11yr son and 15yr daughter who don't know about me. Everyone from her immediate family knows about me. But, she is having a hard time communicating with me since her kids don't know. She doesn't want to keep a 'secret' from them!?! Which is funny, because she keeping a secret by not being honest with them. So her way of dealing with me is 'out of site out of mind.' Her heart is saying one thing and her mind says another. She has contradicted herself many times. I feel she wants to get to know me better but isn't for fear her kids will think she is a horrable mother? I know I can never understand what it must be like to be in her shoes, but it is hard for me to be patient and not step on her toes. help? bashfulchio

Hello Amy,This post was started awhile ago but I know just how you feel. Maybe you've already handled it but in case you're still looking for answers... We met my bdaughter for the first time in July-she is 19. I also have 3 kids, 5, 8, 11. So, I can completely relate. We (my husband & I) did choose to wait a couple of weeks after the first time we met her to tell our kids. Mainly so I could get my head around everything...but I knew I didn't want hide or lie to any them. I agree...take your time, as much as you need. Don't rush anything about your reunion for that matter. And yes, do try and find out if your bdaughter wants a continuing relationship...While you want to be truthful,...you also need to protect the delicate lives that will be forever impacted (including yours). My story about HOW I told them was incredible. We all sat down together and said..."I have some really great news..." And the rest was like the others have said, basic information that was age appropriate. Details aren't necessary at this point. But I started with a postive approach, not some heavy, dark secret that I was so sorry happened. (make sense?) They took it soooo well, and are so happy to have an older sister to "brag" about. The 5-year old acts like she (my bdaughter) has always been a part of our lives! I really hope this helps...maybe its too late. If so, I do hope things have gone well with ALL of your kids. Reunion isn't always easy, but it can be so beautiful. Take care,AJ

Honesty is the best policy. I'm glad that you want to have a reunion with your b/child.I would help your husband understand that your b/child is PART OF YOU, just like your other children and deserves AS MUCH as your other children the opportunity to know YOU. If it was him, and he was the b/child, would he care to k now his b/roots? Probably so. HOw much of his family means to him now?YOur children. Yes, I agree from other posts, sit down with them, explain to them what happened, and that they have another sibling.Lovingly and gently goes a long way.Then, LET THE REUNION BEGIN. I wish, I sooo wish. OH, I don't know if these forums are making me more depressed or what, but I am HAPPY FOR YOU, that YOU AND YOUR B/CHILD want CONTACT.I wish. I wish. I hope. I hope. But, NOTHING EVER GOES MY WAY. Except college, my husband and kids. But, the first 18 yrs. and my biogical roots don't work out for me.You can see my profile and my threads to k now why I wish I was in your shoes.:clap: :grr:

I just recently had to tell my kids because my husband brought it up when we were arguing. My kids are 14,12 and 10. I still don't know if the 10 year old understands nut the older two do. My circunstances were a little different. My child may be the result of a date rape or he may be my high school's sweetheart's child. Only DNA will be able to tell. That is why I didn't have an abortion among others. If he is my high school sweethearts child he has three more sisters. That BF will have a hard time accepting the fact that he didn't support my decision and he didn't believe me. But I am sure he will come around, I don't know about his daughters or wife. I should have told my kids at a younger age but my in-laws still don't all know just my mom-in-law amy

Hey Amy, I am a bmom and I have told my older child who was probably about ten or eleven at the time. He was confused about his feelings for about 5 minutes and then he was excited about having an older sister out there somewhere. I have not told my younger child who is 6. I feel that she is not ready to fully understand all of the issues involved. If my daughter that I gave up ever finds me, and I hope she does, then I will tell my little girl right away. I will definately tell her when she is mature enough to understand. Hope this helps.

You should sit your kids down and tell them the truth and that it does'nt mean you love them any less.I put my Daughter up for adoption in 1978 and went on to have two more Daughters later I started telling my Daughter when she was young that she had another Sister out there somewhere and that maybe if we were lucky we would find one another some day.And I am happy to report we did.I would rather your kids here it from you.Your Husband is being selfish.

Hi - I haven't been to this site in ages, but decided to try it again. I've been where you are. My bdaughter contacted me after she turned 16 (two years ago). (This was a VERY private, VERY closed adoption. I just found out her mother's first name two years ago and it was a year before they let me have their address.) Quite a shock and not the scenario I had prepared for at all. My husband - not the bfather - was just confused and threatened about the situation. My husband and myself worked through our issues and emotions about it FIRST, which took about six months or so. Then we both sat down with our children - 11 and 7 at that time. I needed him for support and also I needed the children to see that we were a united front on the issue. I'm so glad we did it that way, showing unity, we wanted the kids to see that it was nothing to be ashamed of, and that we were still there for them, together. It wasn't easy getting him to that point - believe me!! But we made it, and our marriage is better for it. Plus getting our own stuff out of the way made it easier for us to be strong for our kids. The hardest part, for my children at least, has come since. Yes, they're extremely happy, but now at the ages of almost 13 and 9, they are wanting to push forward, wanting to meet, wanting her to come stay with us, wanting to call her, wanting to fly to her state. My son is an "all or nothing" personality and my daughter is hurt very easily, so that has been the major difficulty in the whole thing, plus keeping my own feelings in check on top of the whole thing. My bdaughter and myself still only email or snail mail. We send gifts, and she sends gifts too. It's at her pace and I'm comfortable with it and respectful of her feelings. We encourage the kids to email her as well or send her silly little notes or their art work. Sometimes they don't get the response that they want, sometimes they do. It's tough sometimes, but we try to help them understand as best possible. Two years into this semi-reunion things are just fine, could be better, but could always be sooooo much worse. Sorry this is so long and so late. Good luck to you!!!!!! Amy

i HAVE SINCE TOLD MY KIDS. NOT THE WAY I WANTED BUT IT CAME OUT FINALLY AND THEY ARE OK WITH IT. JEFFERY TURNED 18 ON FEB.10TH I HOPE HE DOES WANT TO MEET ME BUT IT'S A WAIT AND SEE SITUATION. AMY

Amy, you have been given some great advice here and I agree...honesty is the way to go. You will be so surprised at how kids handle things. If you make a big deal out of it then they will begin to wonder too but if you sat them down and explain in an age appropriate manner they will understand and appreciate your honesty. Now, as far as your husband is concerned, I totally understand and I may have some advice for you in this regard. My husband felt in the beginning that he was going to be replaced at some point. He thought by my bdaughter coming into our lives that so would the bfather. I really don't believe your husband resents your relationship with your bchild but has his own insecurities that need to be addressed. This is scary for all. I am sure you are scared too death. Imagine if you will, if this may be how your husband is feeling. Reassure him and I am certain he will come around and support you. You need this re-union with your bdaughter but you also need the support of your family.