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This from John Bradshaw and his book őCreating Love.
What I want to quote is in Chapter 3 ..ҒThe Stages of Mystification. Page 56.
(What I underlined a few years ago..)
҅..There are no childhood traumas that could not be resolved and integrated. We have a unique ability to resolve our emotional pain. It is the ability to grieve. Grief is a kind of psychic work. It involves several stages, the most important being the stage of deep sorrow (weeping) and the stage of passionate anger.
As children we needed to weep and express anger. When we are forced to repress our sadness and anger, we leave our hurts imprinted in our neurological system. We have automatic responses to safeguard us. These responses are the defences that allowed us to survive. Unfortunately, these defences leave us frozen in past time. The state of frozen and unresolved hurt is the stage of mystification.
End of quoting..
That lineŔ When we are forced to repress our sadness and anger, we leave our hurts imprinted in our neurological system.
When I read those words I understood why I was not able to let go of my past and get on with my life.. Let go of the pain around my bson.. Let go of the 'seized up' when I thought of him..
Bradshaw calls it mystification.. ItԒs as good a word as any..
He says we are frozen in past time.. whew.
I could not cry.. Could not would not.. Could not do what he says about deep crying.
I would love to discuss this thing called grief..
Jackie
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teddypan
Triggers-yes there are triggers, and until the work is done there will be. At least the type that fling us into that terrible instability. We push the bad memories deep inside to survive everyday life. It's the minds way of almost "fainting". The panic comes when we do not express our feelings or fail to look at them. Panic is our fears and our desires I believe. Supressed anger is probably the best trigger for panic, because we feel we will "lose control" if we truly express it. We envision ourselves going to jail, losing our jobs, spouses, relationships, whatever if we truly expressed how ANGRY we are. It consumes us and we don't even know it.
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teddypan
Although I know I wasn't to blame for any of the terrible things that happened to me as a child, I still always seemed to find it in my heart to protect those that hurt me, to seek their approval, to find excuses to continue having them in my life. They were toxic and the short term pain of disconnecting myself from them has been better than a continued lifetime of this feeling.
No matter what people have done to you, no matter how much your head knows it wasn't your fault.....the key, I believe is to forgive yourself. Our hearts have this ability to take on things and pound it into our heads that we are unworthy, and we are not. Forgive yourself for listening to those people that you thought knew what the he!! was right. Forgive yourself for plunging into behaviour you might not have done if you hadn't had to cope with this terrible grief nobody recognized or talked about. Forgive yourself for being a human being, and pushing such painful memories out of the light and into the pitch black.
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donnaparadise
Who am I? Am I really the sum of all that has happened to me and the decisions I made, or am I someone else, who is caught like a deer in headlights, not knowing which direction to go in, for now.
Jackie, your wonderful post to Teddypan has reminded me of the events around the final judgement (for that what it was) surrounding the adoption process, about being told what to do, the feelings of powerlessness, lack of control, the dismissal, the devaluation and the unexpressed grief that was so firmly held in check, those many long years ago. For a few months after my bdaughter was born, I would call the Worker to see how she was faring, as she had been born with some physical problems that were being addressed, successfully, I might add. Then, came the call. The call whereby I had a date to appear in court on a certain day. The Worker told me it was time to make a decision and unless things had changed, it would be best not to delay any further. I took time off work and took the 5 hour train trip to the town where my bdaughter had been born and met with the Worker. She tried to brief me on what was going to happen and warned me that the judge was very old and not terribly sympathetic towards 'unwed wayward girls who got themselves in a family way'. I was called to the stand. Questions were asked. I was asked my religion and did not want to respond. I was brought up in a very strict Roman Catholic home with a somewhat fanatically religious mother and knew what effect that could have on a girl-child and in my hopeless effort to maintain some control in the process, decided I did not want to further impede her chances for a great adoption, so wanted to declare her 'no religion'. As luck would have it, this elderly, white haired gentleman of a judge, just happened to be Catholic himself and he insisted I respond to his query as to what religion I was brought up in and what was the reason for my lack of response. I relented and told him. He was furious. He was livid. He was apoplectic and laced into me, telling me I had no right to confuse the issue, it was not up to me to decide how she will and will not be; how I ought to be ashamed of myself for obviously going against my faith by my actions to begin with, and on and on and on. I don't remember much more of what he said other than the words: "Ward of the Court". And it was done. I asked the Worker later what had happened and she told me that the Relinquishment had been completed and she was no longer mine and she was designated as Catholic. All over. The Worker brought me to the foster home where my bdaughter was, in order to meet with her and spend a little time, as this was going to be the last time I would see her. As soon as I walked in the door, the Foster Mother laughingly told me she had changed her name because it was strange and no one could pronounce it. I don't remember what her new name was. I went into the bedroom and saw her there. She put her arms up to me and I held her and talked to her and rocked her in the rocking chair that was there, crying my eyes out and telling her I was sorry. Then, all too soon, the Worker came into the room to tell me it was time to leave. She drove me to the train station and dropped me off and wished me luck, I think. I took the long trip home by myself - never to speak of it again for many, many years. In fact, I have not spoken of this 'judgement' to this day. I thought I had forgotten about it, you know? But it is like a vivid dream that comes in and out of consciousness, sometimes in black and white and sometimes with many colours and it takes me back to yesterday and my yesterday becomes my today. I have big issues with authority and people who tell me what to do and how I should do things and what I should say or think. That education started at my mother's knee but was exacerbated with the fatherly-looking man who took what little power I tried to hold onto. It was clear to me who was in charge, in control, and it was not me. I am so grateful for this place; a place that I can come out of hiding somewhat and speak of the unspoken, the disallowed, the anger, the grief and perhaps one day, face myself to completion and heal. One thing I know for sure: I could never in my wildest imaginings hate anyone on this green earth, enough to curse them with the wish that they would go through what I was put through and what happened to me. I would feel like I wanted to protect them with everything I had from suffering the aftermath of this kind of devaluating experience. Therefore, I need to be compassionate towards myself and perhaps in time, will learn that with compassion is love. thanks for 'listening'.Donna
I was looking through books in my room tonight since I'm done with finals and this semester at college is over and I found a book called "My Beautiful Broken Shell" by Carol Hamblet Adams that I had forgotten I had. I thought I'd share some thoughts from her book, which is like a book of collection of thoughts. Some of her thoughts I identify with and connect to are:"Thank You, Lord, that I haven't been completely crushed by the heaviness in my heart...by the pounding of the surf." "Thank You, Lord, for all that I learn from my brokeness...for the courage it takes to live with my pain...and for the strength it takes to remain on the shore." "Thank You, Lord, for the great strength it takes to simply be...even when I hurt so deeply that there seems to be nothing left of me." "...and I am reminded that even the smallest creatures depend on each other. Especially in our brokenness, we need the Lord...and we need one another." "May I give myself permission to hurt...to cry...to be human. May I have the courage to risk sharing my feelings with others so that I may receive support and encouragement along the way." "Lord, help me realize that I am not the only one hurting that we all have pain in our lives" "In my brokenness, may I never take life so seriously that I forget to laugh along the way" Anne :)
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To treatGrief,as we doas alien. Is it notthe same,as to treat ourselves as alien? To say toour foot,I don't want you,leave me be. Is that notthe sameas to how wetreat grief? Emotions, Grief,A necessary partto each of us,Just as our bodies. Our souls need to grieve, just as our bodiesneed water. To ignore grief,hide it away,is that not the sameas dehydration. We must have waterfor our physical bodiesjust as we must have grieffor our souls to live. We must have the badto be able to have the goodwe wouldn't know the bad,if there was no good. It seems, grief isa necessary evilthat we all mustexperience,one way oranother. Written by Anne M. :) April 28, 2005
Tigger27
To treatGrief,as we doas alien. Is it notthe same,as to treat ourselves as alien? To say toour foot,I don't want you,leave me be. Is that notthe sameas to how wetreat grief? Emotions, Grief,A necessary partto each of us,Just as our bodies. Our souls need to grieve, just as our bodiesneed water. To ignore grief,hide it away,is that not the sameas dehydration. We must have waterfor our physical bodiesjust as we must have grieffor our souls to live. We must have the badto be able to have the goodwe wouldn't know the bad,if there was no good. It seems, grief isa necessary evilthat we all mustexperience,one way oranother. Written by Anne M. :) April 28, 2005
Donna,
I am so sad that you had to live through such pain - that so many of us had to so abruptly realize that our elders and role models didn't know any better than we did how to be supportive. In the process of listening to "what was best" for us, we were too young and unsure of ourselves to understand that many of the people guiding and advising us were thinking of themselves rather than how we would feel as time went by. Maintaining our secrets was more important than unearthing all of our feelings and finding mental health and peace.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and all of us as we recall old memories and find a way to place them in the light rather than hide them as shameful secrets which we're responsible for.
Sharon
Thank you for your kind response, into the sun as we recall old memories and find a way to place them in the light rather than hide them as shameful secrets which we're responsible for. Yes, it is only by sharing that we can bring these secrets to the light of day and no longer leave them in the dark. I am so grateful for the opportunity. Thank you for your prayers.hugsDonna
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into the sun
Donna,
I am so sad that you had to live through such pain - that so many of us had to so abruptly realize that our elders and role models didn't know any better than we did how to be supportive. In the process of listening to "what was best" for us, we were too young and unsure of ourselves to understand that many of the people guiding and advising us were thinking of themselves rather than how we would feel as time went by. Maintaining our secrets was more important than unearthing all of our feelings and finding mental health and peace.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and all of us as we recall old memories and find a way to place them in the light rather than hide them as shameful secrets which we're responsible for.
Sharon
Jackie~I have said in the past, I can truly see how young people or old enough to know better people are influenced and join cults. We were emotionally young and we were emotional. We deferred to those who had "our" best interest at heart. At least that is what we were influenced to believe. Maybe, yes in some misguided way. It is apparent to most of us now that it wasn't our sole interest being considered, it was the neighbors, the church, our parents dreams for us not our dreams. I can only speak for myself but in reflection I can see no thought was my own. I was certainly manipulated into thinking they were but honestly I cannot say they were. I was put into an enviroment where my mother's decision would come to fruition.
skinnylou
It is apparent to most of us now that it wasn't our sole interest being considered, it was the neighbours, the church, our parents dreams for us not our dreams. I can only speak for myself but in reflection I can see no thought was my own. I was certainly manipulated into thinking they were but honestly I cannot say they were. I was put into an environment where my mother's decision would come to fruition.
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Jackie~I wish my son would just validate me as his mother. No such luck at this time. Some day I will get some spine and ask, "Just how do you see me?" Birthmother is not an acceptable reply. Friend, I don't know, or mother would be acceptable. Birthmother is a label from society and is just that a label.
