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I met a sibling group at a recruitment event that I really connected with. The children seemed very bright, respectful, and like genuinely sweet kids. They were able to participate in the event's activity (which they excelled at!) without adult supervision or intervention, were caring towards one another, helped a woman with her baby on their own volition, and even threw their plates in the trash after they ate. They told me about their favorite books, movies, and subjects in school. I'm told they help with their foster family's pet and would like a pet of their own. They all like and participate in extracurriculars.
After submitting our home study we received their profiles, which contained some kind of scary stuff. FAS for one of the children, ODD for another, family history of mental illness (bipolar, schizophrenia), one of the children had been "hospitalized for behaviors," two are on meds, one may have been instigated a fire. Looking at the photos with a critical eye, I now wonder if perhaps one of the other children might have FAS as well. Reportedly, they do pretty well at school and don't have IEPs.
After reading the profiles, I felt like I had been punched in the gut as I already feel attached to the kids after meeting them (and I'm sure some daydreaming contributed to it as well). So I am now really just so conflicted - I had talked to a couple different people who were of the opinion that they were great kids, one stated that they appeared to be without a lot of the issues that many children in foster care struggle with and are pretty typical kids.
I am trying to reconcile these profiles with my meeting with them at the event and the positive things others had to say.
I know some people have stated that their children's profiles read like horror stories, but to meet them you would never believe that profile had been written about their child. At the same time, I know there are some families who really struggle with their children.
Anyone have any advice for me? We hadn't really considered parenting a child with FAS before. DH feels more confident than I do.
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Yes, assume the profiles have it right. It is entirely possible that the public side you saw is right, too, but ONLY in public.
I have two boys right now who present fairly well in public. They have excellent table manners, and always put their trash in the can and the plates in the sink. I can take them to restaurants, and to the movie theatre.
But at HOME! Oh my. It is a different story entirely. I have been hit and kicked hard enough to leave bruises. Cursed at. Had holes picked in my wall and in my wood flooring. Had shoes, books, and canned goods thrown at me. They have injured each other enough to warrant emergency room visits.
Since your home is private, believe the profiles of their private lives. Maybe the public part happens too, but maybe it only happens in public, and believe me, that really stinks.
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Are any of the DX or behaviors on your "cannot handle" list? If so, trust the profile. It does not lie. If not, get more info.
Seems like all kids these days are on meds and they are all followed by a string of acronyms. ODD and FAS are both scary DX. FAS was on our "cannot handle" list. ODD was on our "Not Sure."
M has an ODD DX for good reason - her behaviors were awful. We are now seeking a new DX (Aspergers). When we stopped treating her like she was ODD, she stopped acting like it. Every scary thing in her profile is true, but not always true. (Some behaviors were the extreme, not the norm and we could handle the extreme, but not IF it was norm.)
In talking to her FFF, we were able to get so much more context on the behaviors and see what we would likely have to live with as part of her personality and what would probably change with permanency. A profile can only tell you so much and is only updated so often, but trust the carers who live with the kids every day.
So if you still feel the calling despite the kick in the gut, I would move forward. If you get called in for an interview, have your questions ready!
My kids present well too...they "charm" you right up with their extreme attachment issues ;). One of my kid steals so bad I have to lock every door behind me and that's with 4 security cameras throughout the house.... Other has set 4 homes on fire and himself....almost all the attachment kids are very aggressive and will break something you like right to your face....I love them! But proceed with caution ...and FAS very hard think of it as NO impulse control..they want it they take it....
We haven't adopted yet, but when my DH and I started our adoption journey, we both fell absolutely in love with a boy from his profile and thought he would be perfect fit for our family. When we found out the full picture of what we would be dealing with if we did foster to adopt him, it was another story all together. He had very serious psychiatric issues, violent episodes and wasn't safe around animals.
We ultimately said no to the placement and reading into his probably changed how I approached fostering and older child adoption. My DH still regrets we didn't at least see if we could help that boy. But we've heard recently the boy has gone through at least 2 families that didn't go through with adoptions and is now in a residential facility. I don't think my DH and I as rookie parents with no experience dealing with a child with that level of trauma were the right people to help him. The prospective adoptive parents that disrupted likely were people like my DH and I who further traumatized him.
The system may over-diagnose and over-medicate, but all the good intentions and love can't fix serious mental illnesses.
My advise is to decide what type of placement you are comfortable with based on the worse case scenario rather than the best. Assume that they can put on an act in public and you weren't seeing them at their worst.
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Believe the profile and know the profile is probably making much LIGHTER of the situation than it really is. Our family has BTDT (you can read more details in the disruption forum) and lived to tell the tale.
I know it's sooo easy to let our hearts rule over our heads, but the reality is that MANY of these children know exactly how to act and re-act in public scenarios...but as some parents have written, their behaviors are hellacious in the home. Make no mistake that giving permanence and love won't make these issues go away and in some situations, your love and care will seem to make the behaviors worse.
FAS was a condition we were okay with, ODD was horrid to deal with. RAD? RAD is so hard to deal with, I put it right there on top-second only to children who act out sexually against other children.
You've not asked for it, but I'm going to copy my own compiled list of questions to ask before considering the adoption of an older child. It may help, it may not, but some have told me it's helped them a lot when consider an older child adoption.
Most Sincerely,
Linny
THE LIST
Questions for parents considering the placement of a special needs child.
1. # of placements child has had; how long they lasted, why they disrupted. (Usually
folks are uneasy to disclose the 'why'....but I'd really try to find out!)
2. Permission (and I've done this w/o permission too) to contact past foster parents. (This
info can prove to be INVALUABLE...and most foster parents will gladly provide info as
to the 'why')
3. "Why" didn't past foster parents adopt this child?
4. At what age was the child 'removed from the home'..what type of pre-natal care
(especially drug use, etc), what's the situation with any sibs (adoption, prenatal drug use,
residential care, etc.?)
5. What kind of medication is the child on NOW....and what types has the child been on
previously? (Also, what types of diagnoses has this child been given in the past, by what
type of professional (psychiatrist,psychologist, or your 'mental health counselor' who
suspects something?)
6. What prompted termination? Did either parent voluntarily surrender and 'why'? Try to
get the psychologicals on the birthparents. (In some places, this is a 'no-no'...but we've
been given these before w/o asking. Many psychological traits have a genetic
pre-disposition.)
7. Where are the biologicals now? Are there relatives in the area near you, and any chance
they'll be a problem?
8. What kinds of hospitalization (especially ER) has this child had? tests, etc. If so, you'd
like the paperwork!
9. What's this child been told about adoption? Does this child lament for his/her
biologicals?
10. What type of relationship did this child have with birthparents? ie, was this child
forced into being the 'parent' because parents were unable to be just that? Did this child
have to take care of younger, older sibs?
11. How does this child perceive him/herself? Is she self-centered? Does she share well?
(And I don't care how old the child is....this may still be a problem.)
12. Has or has this child EVER had a diagnoses of RAD (reactive attachment
disorder)...or ANY type of attachment disorder? How has 'the system' helped this child
deal with this? (Holdings, play therapy, etc.)
13. How long has this child been in therapy, and what types have been used?
14. Does this child act out sexually? If not now, EVER? And IF ever, how and how long
since the last time?
And...one of the most IMPORTANT questions we think you should ask YOURSELF:
"If this child were to get NO better after being in our home, could we handle his/her
behaviors 'just as they are, NOW'......as if there would be NO improvement, etc.
I think this is important, as classes continually say that 'this child just needs some love
and attention and permanancy, and you'll see how much improvement this child will
make!!!" This DOESN'T ALWAYS happen, and is a point to consider when taking on
special needs children.
amen, Linny.
i say this all the time--if it never gets any better, will it be enough?
my answer to this question with my son was yes, it would be. that doesn't make it any easier even though i see him improve every day.
we fostered our kids. i saw what daily life was like with Bubba for almost 2 years prior to our adoption. it wasn't easy and it wasn't fun, but sometimes it was good.
i don't know that i would ever be able to just look at a profile and decide. there's so many nuances to kids and their behaviors.
also, profiles prevaricate, gild the lily, and straight up lie. the job of the profile is to garner interest. why would they lay it bare right away--although i did see one once that said the kid set fires, assaulted younger kids and animals, and if his lips were moving he was lying.
yes, the kids were charming--for a short while. you can do anything for a short time. and being charming is how so many of our kids survived. they do well on a superficial basis. but when pressed for real, they begin to falter.
believe the profile. and add some to it.
then if you really think you can handle it--and i mean REALLY--consider taking the first steps. but go in with eyes wide open. these kids sound terribly wounded.
i can tell you from experience, love is not enough.
There are days I wished we "lived" in the public eye. My kids manage to hold things together while in public, but fall apart at home. Why? Because it is safe and they know that no matter what I will continue to love them and never abandon them. If I had to write an adoption summary for my kids, the prospective parent list would be incredibly short.
Talk to the current foster family. They know the daily antics of these kids. My daughter (severe RAD, currently not living at home) would also do all the behaviors that you mention. She appears very cooperative with others, mannerly, cleans up after herself, takes care of others, and on. She presents as "perfect". These children could have a really bad profile written, but probably not. I would say, if you can't live with what is written, then say no.
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Talk to the current foster family. They know the daily antics of these kids.
My daughter (severe RAD, currently not living at home) would also do all the behaviors that you mention. She appears very cooperative with others, mannerly, cleans up after herself, takes care of others, and on. She presents as "perfect".
These children could have a really bad profile written, but probably not. I would say, if you can't live with what is written, then say no.
I have 3 boys that look like terrorists on paper. Arson, drugs, grand theft auto. Meds, hospital stays ect....however that stuff was 4 years before I met them & aside from the good one (on paper) having trouble with his TBI & delays they are mostly awesome kids.
Talk to the foster parents, find out how long ago some of that stuff was & if there was a life event or reason for them going off the edge.
Don't write them off until you get all the facts first.