Need an Adoptee's perspective

I also have to say that I agree with Shirley. As a third generation adoptee (bfather and bgrandmother grew up in a Catholic Social Service Home, I was adopted at 2 months old) I have to say that I always have felt a bond and will always feel this bond with my bfamily even though some still do not even know of my existence. Mind you, I have one of the most loving families (that I was adopted by) a girl could ever ask for and I feel blessed for have been given the opportunity to come into their lives and vice versa. This "bond" that I feel is one of respect and love for the sacrifices made in order for me to be here. I have made contact with my bmother and although she left me a letter at birth, over the years she has reached the point to where when I spoke with her she denied ever having a child. Regardless of the anguish and rejection I felt/feel (all over again) at her state of denial, I still am bonded to her as I am the rest of my bfamily. I wouldn't be here if it were not for them. Being an adoptee is not a label or a word to me. It is who I am. It is how I live, what I operate from, it is my paradigm. I grew up with three siblings who were not adopted and as much as I hate to say it, there were constant reminders that I was not of the same flesh and blood. There is not a day that goes by when I do not think about my bmom. I have often wondered about what it would feel like to grow up in a home where you can physically touch the person who gave birth to you... someone who has the same blood running through them as I do. To not feel displaced. I also agree with others in that it takes much more than making/having a child to be a parent. It takes time, patience, dedication, and a lot of love. Best wishes to you and your family, Claire D.

6boy So, I'm wondering. If your bond with your aparents is as strong as the natural bond with bparents or bfamily, why are you looking?

Levi.. I guess I started looking outta curiosity not any real reason or any real need-esp after having found on total accident a sister.. Prior to that I was not in the least bit interested.. and never prusued any search or even obatined my non-id information My parents were more eager for me to search because they wouldve liked to meet her. Not much more than that and after talking with many birthmothers here on a.com, I feel I have an obligation to express my gratitude to her if nothing more. If it happens it happens, if not, my life doesnt depend on it whatsoever. It really doesnt have any implications in my life or have any bearing on who I am as a person today. While everyone may not agree because their situations are all different and everyone feels differently-- thats the jist of it for me. As far as the bond with my sister.. not much to feel there. We share one common mother by birth but come from seperate homes. She is still a stranger and to establish a sister-bonded relationship with her is definately not something feasable- not because we are "different" because we are very much "alike " in some aspects-- but because I have never known her so its going take time to do that just like it would with any other relationship. It has to be built from the bottom up. Yvonne

"An adopted child has two sets of parents" Actually they do, the ones that concieved and gave birth and then the ones that actually parented. That I think is a given, a fact...the bare bones of it all. That does not define the adopted persons feelings toward any one set. That is indivual with each person. My "parents" in my situation are those that brought me up. Thats reality, its all I know. "The adopted child always has a bond with birth parents" That comment is false as stated. It is how one defines bond, ones indivual defintation not a dictionary defination. Did I feel a bond when I meant my birthmom...no...it came later after I was able to think things through...She did give me half my genes as did my birthfather, whon I have not met. So, maybe I feel more of a curosity but not a bond. I would like to get to know my birth brothers better but I don't feel a huge connection with them. My "bonding" and daughterly feelings all all reserved for my aparents...hands down.

I just thought of something else....I think the point they may be trying to make is to understand that adopting is not the same as giving birthto your own gentic child....I know that sounds obvious but what I mean is that especially in closed adoptions some may forget that the child is genetically different and it needs to be respected....may be hurt if a child or adult ask questions or wants to search, may think they are lacking as a parent,....when none of that may be true. Its just the indivual feelings of an adoptee...the place they hold in the triad.

Thank you all so much for sharing your feelings regarding this. I just felt that being a parent is "to parent" as a verb, someone who is actively parenting. I didn't feel this was the appropriate description of all adoptees through the system--esspecially ones where the bparents have been TPR'd on. Perhaps stating an adopted child has had at least 2 sets of parents would have been more appropriate. I was curious to all this as our mediator sent us this and I want to go with someone who has a realistic view on the perception of the triad--not just speculating. I would also suggest they change their statement about an adoptee always having a bond with their bparents to, many adoptees have a bond with their bparent(s). Thanks again. Further feedback would be greatly appreciated.

6boys, Thanks for you insight as an adoptee. You are right, each situation is different and for so many different reasons too. No one has a right or wrong response. It's all about how each perceives life and how they fit into life as they see it. Obviously you had a great relationship with your aparents which certainly puts a positive spin on things for you! That experience in itself is one that all bfamily members would hope their placed child would have. Unfortunately, for so many, they have had a much less desirable experience and resolve issues by searching and possibly reuniting with a family they hope will be more desirable. That last sentence is a generalization and would suggest that only those who have an undesirable adoption experience would search. I know that is not the case. Many search just because they want to know something about themselves or their medical history, etc that they would have no other way of knowing without searching. The other part of adoptee experience does relate directly to the dna factor and biology. No matter how wonderful (or otherwise) a life the adoptee may have experienced, their dna is genetically linked to the biological family. There is much to learn about themselves by learning about their birth family. Life is to be enjoyed. So however, one goes about finding themselves and enjoying life (in a constructive manner of course) they should go after it with all they have. God Bless

I only use ALWAYS when it comes to death AND TAXES!!!! UGH!! :p mj77 ~ As one that was adopted I completely disagree with both statements. "An adopted child always has two sets of parents." The main problem I have with this statement is by using the term "two sets of parents" it equates the parents as being somehow equal or at the very least similar. I don't agree with that at all. In my situation, one couple had sex that resulted in a pregnancy that resulted in my birth. This was not a planned pregnancy, in fact, there was question as to who the biological father actually was. This was prior to abortion being legal. I was left at the hospital at birth. The other couple met me when I was 13 months old after I had been in multiple foster homes. From the day they took me home they were there for me through all the ups and downs of life ~ good times and bad ~ every single day of my life. They never left me until the day they died. How could I possibly equate one couple with the other couple? I always knew I had biological parents. But, to me, my adoptive parents were my only real parents. "The adopted child will always have a bond to the birth parents." I have never felt a "bond" to biological parents. Throughout my life I had minimal curiosity and no sense of "longing". I have met biological family and there is not any connection at all, let alone a "bond". We have nothing in common ~ completely different values, work ethics and levels of respect for self and others. I don't see any possibility of even reaching a level of forming an actual friendship. Feelings of family and friendship take much more than simply sharing a genetic history IMO. I don't consider myself "an adoptee". I had never even heard of that word prior to this forum. If the topic was relevant IRL I would state that "I was/had been adopted". To me it was a one time event that happened many years ago ~ past tense. I never saw, and still don't see, any reason to use having been adopted as a form of identification any more than a person would feel the need to identify themselves as having been raised by the people that conceived them. I was never actually "looking" for my biological parents. I was experimenting with my new computer several years ago and discovered I could get my non-id information from the agency that handled my adoption. I sent for it simply because I learned I could. I remember thinking "What a trip ~ that should be interesting". My parents and I knew little more than biological parents had been married. I did not have any intentions at that time other than getting the non-id. While waiting for the non-id I discovered this forum. As I read the posts from biological parents longing to learn what had happened to their relinquished child I got caught up in the possibility that someone might be out there wondering about me and I could give them peace of mind. I learned that "always" also does not apply to biological parents. Not "all" wonder about the relinquished child. I honestly learned nothing about myself by meeting my biological family. My concept of self has been established by the way I was loved and brought up and by my life experiences ~ through family, church, friends, education etc. Learning the truth about my beginnings, and understanding the life my bio-half siblings have lived, served only to confirm how very lucky I was to have been adopted by my parents. :)

Sums it up for me perfectly DL.. thanks again for saying it so beautifully:) Yvonne

Thanks DL. You described the way I see things too. My oldest was placed with us at 13 mo. Your story is so encouraging.

I guess technically speaking as others have said, BUT I have ONE set of parents. The wonderful people who raised me. I have said this before, that I completely understand that to the woman who gave birth to me, I am her daughter. But at the same time, she is not my mother. Nope. Never have. I did meet my bmom in January. It felt like I was meeting a stranger. Now maybe because I was not really searching, never felt "empty" or like something inside of me was "missing." I don't know. But I felt no bond. I do not look anything like her which may or may not be a part of it. As superficial as that sounds, it is possible that maybe there would be more of a connection if we at least looked alike since we have nothing in common. I would be interested to know if my feelings are any different with bfather, but I have not found him. Anyway, the statements are bothersome to me as well, especially the ALWAYS parts. Generealizations are never good in my opinion.

Linnie65 ~ We both have similar feelings about these statements. As I read your comment: "I completely understand that to the woman who gave birth to me, I am her daughter. But at the same time, she is not my mother" it reminded me of a Christmas gift I received from biofather. It was a personalized gift with a reference to "daughter". It made me very uncomfortable and it's in a closet. In my heart and mind I am ONLY the daughter of the parents that raised me. I don't think it's superficial to think a resemblance might help with a feeling of connection, but in my case it didn't. There are physical similarities between biofather and myself. While it's interesting, it did not create any feelings of a bond or a connection. mj77 ~ Perhaps you should print this thread and show it to the mediator. I don't think a mediator sharing these statements is in the best interest of the children at all. While you questioned the statements, someone else could just take it at face value and believe them.

This whole thread and topic brings up an interesting point for me that Ive pondered in the last few days. While we may seem like a minority here on the forums, I wonder if we are the mojority in the world. Adoption is not supposed to differentiate our place in this world.. Whether we are raised by adoptive parents or by our natural parents. It wasnt set up to make any distinction between the two. In our cases there was no distinction. We all felt like biological children. Genetically we may have been predisposed, but our character, our values, our moral belief system was shaped by our adoptive parents. No one else. They are the ones who made it possible for us ,to them Biology/genetics did not matter one ounce. Adoption was a ONE time event in my life not a lifelong process. So why doesnt it work this way for some? how can we raise the odds? What can we contribute to adoptive parents about our lives? Are we the "examples" of what adoption is truly meant to be like? Do you think we are the majority? Yvonne

Yes, I think we are the majority. Yes, the minority here because as others have said, most adoptees don't come to this site. My brother would never come here for example. "Something" brought us here. For some, it is unresolved issues around adoption, for others it was to search, for me, it was curiousity after I "found" my bmom on the registry. I agree - my adoption was ONE event in my life. One that I certainly wasn't aware of when it happened, one that I am very grateful did happen. But who I am was shaped by my parents who raised me. I have met my bfamily and we could probably not be more different. Who I am was shaped by my adoption - but only becauase of who my parents are - not due to the adoption itself.

My thoughts....and my thoughts only.. I do agree, that the word always should be substituted with the words, may feel, or something of that nature. As we all know from these forums we all feel differently...we all have our own unique perspectives and thats just as it should be :) "An adopted child always has two sets of parents For me,the answer is yes. I have two mothers and I have two fathers. The roles they played in my life were very different and yet I think of my birthparents and the parents that raised me, as my parents. They have all contributed to the person that I am.....some contributions have been greater than others. "The adopted child will always have a bond to the birthparents" I felt a bond immediately...the connection I felt was very real. When I met my birthfamily for the first time it felt like I had come home....the bond was strong, the connection was powerful. I have to admit I was quite overwhelmed to feel this way....but there was no denying that these feelings, this connection was very real. What is adoption truly meant to be like? :confused: