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How do you set boundaries for bfamily members and how do you 'police' compliance? My fdaughter (placed with me for adoption but we have to wait a half a year to finalize) has a zillion biofamily members who all want contact and want her to come visit (in another city).
I want them to start referring to me when talking to my fd as 'your mom' (or some variation of that) instead of by my first name. And I want them to not pass on messages from the bparents (because I've been told by the County that young children need to have time to adjust to their adoption and not be confused, so the only contact the County will agree to is if my fd wants to write letters to bparents, but not to hear from them). Also, the kinship placement failed due to them allowing contact (among other reasons) and the person who called the caseworker and finked on them was the child herself (i.e., she has extremely mixed feelings about her abusive parents, loves them and fears them, wants contact and yet wants no contact).
And third, I want her family to quit lecturing her about her behavior and especially to quit harrassing her about not getting fat. I suspect the whole lot of them have eating obsessions and disorders. One of them is beautiful and famous and has her picture in magazines (nice magazines) all the time, I can understand if that relative has an eating disorder, but even the grandmother lectures my fd on the phone about not to eat and get fat. My fd is just a normal weight child, and she is very pretty, but she thinks she is fat and ugly. If she were a teenager I suppose that would be normal, but she is only 8 years old.
I sent an email to one of the relatives expressing how it would help my fd adjust to the adoption if she hears me refered to by them as her mom, and it has been a week and there has been no reply.
I don't feel like I can sufficiently protect my daughter if I allow her to go for visits to the bfamily. I mean, I know they will lecture her, criticize her weight, and probably have her talk to her bparent.
I'm hoping when we get a therapist set up (we just had an intake appointment and the intake therapist wrote on the referral that my daughter is 'parentified, controlling, has attachment issues' - but really she is a sweetheart, she just got emotional about going to the therapist and acted out a lot, which I suppose is the best time and place to be on her worst behavior! ha!), I'm hoping whatever therapist we get will just flat out say to break contact with the whole darn family for a year or so to let the child stabilize. But I'm afraid to do it myself before finalization because they have mentioned several times about possibly taking legal action (though the county and you guys here on the forums have said they don't have a legal leg to stand on because TPR is already done), and I also don't know what is truly best for my fd. Contact would be nice if the bfamily would just follow some rules, but I don't know if they would.
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Howdy -
If TPR is completely finished, then they absolutely do not have a leg to stand on. However, because you have not finalized yet, they could make it a long drawn out harrassing process for you and the sw.
Since you haven't finalized yet, the state still gets to dictate a lot of the rules and processes. Have you discussed your list/specific rules with the sw? She/he needs to help you here with establishing boundaries and rules because she ultimately has the power to tell the bfamily "back off!"
I agree that your daughter needs to attach and bond with you right now. Certainly isn't going to help with bfamily sitting there telling her "you are fat", "the lady you live with needs to do this or that", "your mom & dad really miss you" etc.
Just my personal opinion...but I'd probably talk to the sw and then have her contact the family with the rules. Leaving you out of it right now. I would also recommend that all contact from the bfamily be done via letters to the sw or a p.o. box and only after you have read them to make sure nothing damaging is in there would I pass on to your fdaughter to read.
I'd also make it very clear that no visitation will happen for at least 6 months to give you and her time to attach, and for her to work out some issues through therapy etc. With all the changes she is facing right now, the last thing she needs is the stress of contact. And in 6 mos. you can see where you are at. (personally, I think it will take longer than 6 mos. but every situation is different)
You could agree to sending updates & pictures, but I'd really hesitate to have any contact right now at all with them. Except of course the letters/emails that you would review beforehand.
Hope your sw can help you here, because it sounds like you will need some back up!
Crick
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Trust me get your SW involved. I'm in FL and my husband and I went through a simlar thing. It is all over now, but we were drugged thur court and phsy evals. are lifes were but on display. We just recently had to sell are home and move, due to the fact of the birth family was still harrasing us and driving by, or just showing up at our door steps. We up rooted our lives, to make our childrens live normal and safe. Our children are now adjusted and functioning very well. We live in a different county and left no fowarding address.
Good luck and remember it is what is BEST for your DAUGHTER not her birth family.
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I spoke to the adoption caseworker yesterday. I told her my concerns but I forget what she replied because she had more exciting news...that perhaps we won't have to wait to finalize because of the time my fd lived with me last year (prior to the recently failed placement with relatives). She is going to ask the judge. I sure hope we can finalize soon, that would make me feel much more in control.
The caseworker was surprised by how often the family calls, but I am more concerned at the moment by how extraordinarily rude my fd was on the last phone call. She didn't want to talk and she wanted me to listen at the same time and I'm not sure if they said something they shouldn't have, or if it was just the usual lecturing or if maybe my fd just didn't want to waste any time on a phone call and didn't know how to gracefully get off the phone. After the call ended (one or the other hung up on the other one, they disputed later who hung up first) I explained to her that if she didn't want to talk she should just tell the caller that it wasn't a good time for her. Unfortunately the next call (a few minutes later) my fd tried that and it didn't work for her. So after that call I told her that it is okay to hang up on someone if she is real polite about it such as 'I'm glad you called, I wish I had time to talk, but this isn't a good time for me I'll talk to you later, bye!<click>.
I had packed away my spare phones because the csw had told me my fd was making calls without permission in her previous (failed) placement, but now I suppose since my fd herself wants me to listen-in, I should add another extension, though I think I'll have both phones in my own bedroom, so I can better control things, and not unpack the portable phone.
Howdy,
I think it is extraordinary that this child still has to have contact with these birth family members after the tpr has been done. As soon as our tpr on the biomom is filed, and and her 30 days is up (even if she appeals) we can stop visitation. I can't believe that the state is allowing visitation if the tpr has already been granted. I live in TN. WHat state are you in? Funny how things differ from state to state.
Contact with the bparents is not allowed, it is just the other brelatives that I have concerns about.
I think they are probably pretty nice people, it is just that they aren't happy about having the child removed. A couple of them wanted to adopt her but didn't pass their homestudies because of spouses who didn't want to adopt the child.
They do really love her and I think they will be a good resource for her when she is a little older and more settled. Also, they allowed the contact between the child and I to continue when she was placed with one of them (though she also sneaked a lot of calls to me without asking - they trusted her way more than they should have, she needs a lot of structure and boundaries, and she actually likes the limits as long as they can be finesed past her defiance).
If they would just accept the idea of me as the mom, not try to make her an anorexic, and recognize that the lack of contact with bparents is serious and not something to be ignored, then I think things could work out really well.
When the caseworker comes on her visit I'll talk to her about whether she will establish some contact restrictions that have a time limit so the bfamily doesn't over react with legal actions. Or, if finalization happens soon then I'll establish them myself, though I'll probably see what the therapist thinks first (but we still don't have the therapist set up, I hope that doesn't take a long time).