"I wish I never adopted you!"

Mama, If she want to complain about it she can, if she wants to relate it to her adoption she can...it is not up to you to decide that her hurt is NOT adoption relatedThis is an adoptee thread compalining about adoptee issues has nothing to do with any other birth or adoptivbe parents feelings. If inh fact ..speaking in a general sense of course that when an adoptvie child hears those words its a double whammy it hurts more because you see one mother left them and the other mother is saying they made a mistake to adopt...so HMM...child is worth nothing??? I have NEVER said wish you were not born to my children, and I also have had only one freind whose mother would say that to her..they have not talked in years. So yes its horrible for any child to hear it and its even worse for an adoptive child to hear it...dumped twice! So in as much I never heard anything like that it makes me angry to thinl other adoptees have and it makes me more angry and offended to think an adoptive parent can just dismiss the whole feeling/ WHY would you want to do that?

Hi, I was adopted at about 3 weeks and always knew. My a-mother was mentally ill and verbally abusive. She had two boys of her own. I also didn't look like my brothers and was teased a lot by my brothers and told I wasn't "blood" related. I finally just stopped talking to my a-mom when I was about 35. I never felt like I had a right to be angry with her because she adopted me and raised me. It took several years of therapy to realize that she was mentally ill and didn't mean to do the things she did. I now have very limited contact with her and very strong boundaries. I don't allow her to hurt me anymore or make me feel bad about myself. I may have had a bad start in life, but I want to have a good finish.

I just can't imagine any parent telling their child they wish they would have never had them - adopted or not. I know I did a lot of stupid, rebellious things when I was a teenager. Looking back, I think I was testing them to see if they would give up on me and they never did. They NEVER said they wished they would have never adopted me. I have four teenagers of my own and I would NEVER tell them I wish I would've never had them. That is so horrible and hateful for a parent to say to their child. There is nothing in the world my kids could ever do that would make me feel or say that to them. As far as making such a comment to a spouse during an argument - that's not the same. The love for your child is totally unconditional. It's SO different than that for a spouse or anyone else. Nothing compares. It's unfathomable how a parent could wish their child didn't exist.

I was adopted when I was 7 to an american family (mainly Italian) from Korea. It was not what they expected. They did not know my background nor did they do their homework. But for many like my parents, they were following the 'signs of the time'. Hope you know what I am saying. They had a daughter who was a couple years older than me..one reason why they chose an older child. The first few years, there were many fights, name calling, etc. My sister used to tell me that she wished I never came into 'her family'. Well, long story short, my family did not want to ever talk about my 'other family' as well..even now it is hard for my mother. Growing up, I re-learned my heritage and appreciation for korea on my own. They did not want any part of it. She now tries to take some interest but I know it really upsets her. So, I don't bring it up unless asked. With all the dysfunction, happiness and hardships, it's been a interesting journey. And in the end, the one that has changed and hopefully grown, is me. As much as I want my Mother/Family to celebrate with me that part of my life I cannot change that...and in some way, I know she is happy for me but cannot express it out loud. If you can, come visit me at my new website. [url=http://homeiswithin.blogspot.com]Korean American Adoptee Home Is Within[/url] from KyungMee

I am so glad to hear that you are being strong and learning from your experiences. There are a lot of things that were not in our control when adopted. We cannot chose our new life it is chosen for us yet sometimes if we don't lok like them, act like them, ect. than we are ashamed. I know there are many adoptees that have very good situations when adopted and may not confront the 'issues' of some but I do believe no matter what the situation, many feel the same disconnection and displacement..no matter how happy they may be. Speaking for myself as well. By you speaking to us, seeking therapy and educating yourself, you are letting your walls to break. And eventually, they may come down. That's a hard one...many of us has walls..adopted or not...but the difference is you are empowering yourself by learning more about you and others. If we can learn about the two, maybe we can understand more about ourselves...okay, I'll stop here. I think now I am rambling:) Hope you can come visit me at my new website. [url=http://homeiswithin.blogspot.com]Korean American Adoptee Home Is Within[/url] from, KyungMee ** hope to hear from you again.

I was adopted at the age of a few months in 1963. I was the second child of my AP's, the only daughter of a long married couple. My AP's were married 25 years when divorced and I was adopted when they hit the 15 year mark. My older brother arrived in their household 2 years prior to my arrival. The whole family knew of my brothers pending arrival because my AP's went through 2 years of screening. When the decission to adopt me came along it was under different circumstances. They were planning a separation due to the stress and strain of parenthood with my brother and my dad coming from a large family believed that my grandmother never complained of a large brood and was content and stable and if he and my mom adopted another child perhaps this is just what the household needed to restore balance. As you can imagine a new arrival did not balance the family it added more stress and eventually contributed to the demise of their family dream. Like many adoptee's I was informed at a tender age. I was 5, this was 2 years after my AP's separation. I did not understand the semantics of adoption as I was 5. This information did not soothe or comfort me about my parents separation and it also did not enhance my relationship with my AP's. I was told by my mom when she was overwhelmed and the hostility is something she to this day is not able to let go of. I came to terms with the reality of my situation years ago. I totally understand her anger at my dad for breaking his vow to honor the marriage and also his insistance on another child when she was not comfortable with the decission from the begining, I myself have experienced resentment in my own life when I have felt forced to do something I did not support. I can imagine her fear of abandonment by him if she did not accept his decision to adopt another child. I also know and accept that for her the family was a complete unit with one child. My mom comes from a family that openly accepts one child and if there are any more other children biological or not, they experience simular situations of abandonment and detachment simular to me. I am very grateful to my birth parents for allowing me a chance at life. My life is fabulous! I have been married for over 27 years and I have 3 wonderful grown children. I do not have problems loving or feeling loved, I also accept and respect others feelings and decisions. Life can be complex. Human exsistance is complicated and ever changing. Things happen. We really are all novices. My dad had much remorse for all of the decisions he made in his life. The last few years of his life he cried during every telephone call to me due to guilt. It was during one of these emotional calls he explained that he never did anything intentionally to hurt my brother and me. He always loved us and wanted us, He was just ignorant of the ramifications of his actions. I totally understood his pain then and now, it is crystal clear, he was human. That was the second greatest gift my Adopted dad ever gave me . The first was adopting me regardless of the outcome. My adoption was closed, and my desire to find my biological family has never been intense. I know that my family had 4 children by 1965. Boy, girl, girl(me),boy. The boys recieved complete names and the girls were called baby girl. I have always assumed the boys were not adopted out, yet the girls were. When I read posts about biological parents wanting to name their children prior to adoption it warms my heart. Because for an adopted adult rationale tells us that this is an intimate connection that the bio's held towards their child. It cements the reality that there is love and compassion for their child and this is healing for an adoptee. If you think about it I was abandoned by 2 sets of parents. How does someone come to grips with that? LOVE and Acceptance. Both sets:thanks: of my parents have felt tremendous pain. That grieves me, because I know that this is an unnecesary action. I have always known love, I have always sought love, My life is a testimony that I have always recieved love. I have recieved a chance at life, I am always going to appreciate each day and everyone involved! Thank you to my entire family both bio and adopted! I am blessed!:thanks: :grouphug:

My a family have said and done all the above except love me. I was just a problem to through money at. It took me 41 years to realize it was there problem and all I had to do was walk away. What a supprise 2 years latter I feel better about myself and I even starting to like myself. No contact with my aparents has really been good to me.:banana: Some people should never be allowed near kids. Words hurt more than floggings and the scares take longer to heal

Don't worry I was just watching a show the other day when a mother told her biological children she did not like kids but liked sex :/ Strangest wife swap I'd ever witnessed.

I can relate. I'm about to turn 32, my bday's at theend of the month, which's always a hard time for me. My aparents refused to share info about my biological family and acted like it was an insult and I was a bad child for even asking. I think as adoptees we have that NEED to know where we came from. We look at all these other "normal" people who have definative bloodlines and open history, those who can say they look like or have charcteristics of their family. We don't have that, that's the missing piece of our lives and we carry that in everything we do and all our relationships, even as adults. Dad42-you are amzing in my opinion. Keeping every piece of info you have will be an awsome gift to your children. Having answers really makes a difference. Even if they never want to contact their birthfamily, having the info there will mean everything to them. What a wonderful father! Your kids are very lucky. Nobody's child-we share the same shrink experience. My aparents had been taking me toshrink insisting something was wrong with me. One day shrink called amother in and told her it wasn't all me, that she had to change something too. I never went back, she pulled me out and I never went to another shrink til I was an adult. You feel the same as I do, I don't want pity I want understanding. There are kids who've had painful childhoods and I know it could've bben much worse. But that doesn't take away fromthe pain I feel every day over the people who were supp to love me as their own and they never came close...

I agree. It's amazing how much better you feel about yourself when you're strong enough to walk away and cut off contact. Feeling better about yourself and having self-worth is much better than the self-loathing and misery of trying to get that love that will never come. I'm glad I'm not the only one who's had this kind of relationship w/aparents.

"Beloved" You are not invisable to anybody, it sounds like adjusting to your surroundings have not been to hard it can be diffucult to alot of people to adjust. The many shows that are on portray the many storys to be as perfect as possible. To be invisable would mean that your head would be in the clouds with not having your feet, being in space among the stars planets and whatever else is outthere. Nobody what anybody can do do to you, they can't make you dissappear your memory will live on.

My aparents have hit a new all time low. Amum has said she wished she never taken in other people rubbish. My asister is having a really hard time dealing with this; she is hitting the bottle and other stuff really hard. I am so scared that I will loose her just like I lost my abrother. Sometimes it is hard trying to pick up the pieces of this experiement. As the eldest I have to try to help the younger ones through whilst raising my family. But I suppose the way to do it is one day at a time.

I don't know why I am surprised these things were said in other families. I was told my mother didn't want me and was called the bad seed. My adoptive mother also fought with her mother once and I heard her saying that her mother liked her sister's kids better because they were her real kids. I'm sure I wasn't always an angel either and at least part of me realizes they were only capable of giving what they could.

When my agrandmother on amum side died two months ago there was a hell of a cat fight because the cousin decided that my sister and I shouldn't get anything from gran will because we weren't really family after all. I'm lucky enough not to need the money so I told my aunt that I would not be accepting any money and to tell her kids that were never to contact me again. My aunt walk right into the office and told her kids off. I will be donating money to a charity for kids because no one should have to deal with the stuff I have and I feel the money is tainted some how and it should do some good instead of creating the greed it seems to have done

From the time I found out I was adopted I was reminded daily that they could have picked another child instead of me to give their good name to, I do not think the state investigated the parents too much then(1957).My father was physically violent to me along with other things I remember well that i learned to slide under my bed so fast to avoid the belt but it never really helped he would pull me out by my leg, I had a sister natural child she was golden I was the mud later on in life (after he died) People would make excuses for his behaviour not enough oxygen to the brain ect, My mother was afraid of him, he was so bad that when I got pregnant at 17 he back handed me out of a chair at 8 months To tell the truth I am so very glad I am not truely related to this family seems to have alot of mental problems. I am not resentful to these people(A-parents) I am resentful to all the lawyers and state reps who did not do a good job finding me a home