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I am just wondering how other's who have placed their child/children for adoption feel toward their child after they've placed them. Let me explain what I'm trying to say here, for me, personally within the last while my feelings have begun to change with both my daughters. My feelings aren't changing in a bad way, just that my bond/feeling/connection to them is changing in a way is I guess the best way to describe it. I don't know if I'm the only one or if anyone else feels this way or has felt this way so I'm just wondering... I have started to become even closer to the aparents/afamilies of each of my daughters than I was before. So, now I feel like both afamilies are like an extension of my own family. I feel like and consider both aparents to be like my brother and sister-in-law or sister and brother-in-law. In our communication to each other the aparents and I refer to each other and good, close friends and best friends, but it's more than that. Also in this connection changing with each of the aparents, I've begun to feel like my daughters are more like my nieces - that's the best way I can come up with to describe it in words. And it's not the same connection as I have with my own nieces that I see all the time, it's of course a different, special bond because I'm their birthmother, but basically that's how I've begun to feel lately that has been another step that's been helping me in my healing process I feel. I discussed it with my counselor last week and she said it was normal to feel that way and healthy to be able to transition to feeling like my daughter's are more like my nieces and that I'm okay with their amoms being their moms and know that's where my daughter's are meant to be so that's another reason why I've thought about going more open with my daughter's aparents as I mentioned in a different thread because of my change in feelings with everything recently. So, I know that there have been other birthmoms who have felt like this and transitioned to feeling more like their children are their nieces or nephews, but I was just wondering about people on here. Does anyone feel like this about their child/children they've placed or have you felt like this? If you're an adoptive parent, how would you feel if your birthmom told you that they felt like this. As in feeling like their child was their niece and nephew and that your birthmom felt you were family like I mentioned above. Of course, one thing I want to say before everyone puts in their opinions and thoughts is that when I say I'm transitioning and feel like my daughters are more like my nieces now etc., I am in no way discounting that I am their birthmother, always will be, that there will always be a type of mother/daughter bond between me and each of them and I am in no way discounting the deep unconditional love I have for each of my daughters either, just feeling differently in some ways and the best way I've come up with to describe it is by saying I feel like they're my nieces and the aparents are my brother/SIL or sister/BIL. So, if you have any thoughts on this, feel free to share. Anne :D
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Honestly, no.Yes, I am very close with J and D. D was a bridesmaid in my wedding! And there are times when we are visiting and Munchkin gets mad/sad/what-have-you and I feel strange because I don't know how to fix what is wrong with her and think that on some level I SHOULD know what to do. But no, I have never thought of her as my neice. I can't. Her eyes are my eyes. Looking at her is like looking in a mirror. With cooler hair. While she is being molded and shaped by her family, some of her actions are/were my actions. I see myself in her temper, sadly/amusingly. I will never be able to separate myself from her in that manner. Perhaps it would expedite some leftover healing that needs to be done, but I'm not interested in quickly patching my heart up.As I said, her eyes are my eyes. I can't put it any differently.
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I have no comment on the whole niece/nephew thing... but..
I DO feel ...hmm...let me change that...i KNOW that his birthfamily is a part of MY family....so, i think that explains why you feel that whole sister in law thing...but, because birthfamily relationships with afamilies are sooo knew, we dont know how to label them, right? lol
My sons birthfamily is forEVER attatched to my family and my heart. No matter what our futures hold. They are my family.
Leigh
I feel similarly to this.See, I'm a parent, as well as a birthparent. I have a 4 year old that I parent daily, and have everyday of her life. I'm a birthparent to a 15 month old that I 'parented' for 2 days, while waiting to be released from the hospital. Even then, it felt kinda like babysitting. Like you, this is in NO WAY denouncing who and what I a to my birthdaughter, but I guess FOR ME (in my personal opinion), it's more of an acceptance of not only who and what I am in her life, but who and what I am NOT as well. Does that make sense? Her family, is my family in a very emotional bonding way. But, at the very end of that feeling, is a feeling that I'm not her mom or parenting her (in an adjective sort of way, 'mother' as in something a person does, ya know?) I do not think everyone gets this feeling, as all people are different. But I also don't think that any one person's way of feeling is 'better' or 'right. You and I feel that our birthchildren are in a relationship with us similar to that of aunt/niece (and, no, to anyone reading this, I DON'T 'think of' my birthdaughter as my 'niece', she is WHO and WHAT she is, however the relationship we NOW share, is likened to that of aunt/niece), and that's good, for US. Make sense? lol If you are comfortable with the 'life' your relationship with your birthchild has taken on, why over-analyze it? lol I've done this for several months, and quite honestly, it's much better just to be OKAY with how you feel :)
emilyangel
I feel similarly to this. it's more of an acceptance of not only who and what I am in her life, but who and what I am NOT as well. Does that make sense? Yes, that makes perfect sense! That's pretty much what I was trying to say, but didn't put it as well as you did. :D Her family, is my family in a very emotional bonding way. But, at the very end of that feeling, is a feeling that I'm not her mom or parenting her (in an adjective sort of way, 'mother' as in something a person does, ya know?) Yes, exactly. :) I do not think everyone gets this feeling, as all people are different. No, not everyone does get this feeling and that's totally fine if they don't. You and I feel that our birthchildren are in a relationship with us similar to that of aunt/niece (and, no, to anyone reading this, I DON'T 'think of' my birthdaughter as my 'niece', she is WHO and WHAT she is, however the relationship we NOW share, is likened to that of aunt/niece), and that's good, for US. Make sense? lol YES! That is what I was trying to say, but didn't know how to put it into words, as you so eloquently did. :) If you are comfortable with the 'life' your relationship with your birthchild has taken on, why over-analyze it? lol I've done this for several months, and quite honestly, it's much better just to be OKAY with how you feel :)
Leigh131313
I have no comment on the whole niece/nephew thing... but.. I DO feel ...hmm...let me change that...i KNOW that his birthfamily is a part of MY family....so, i think that explains why you feel that whole sister in law thing...but, because birthfamily relationships with afamilies are sooo knew, we dont know how to label them, right? lol Yes, Leigh exactly, I don't know how to label it :p lol. My sons birthfamily is forEVER attatched to my family and my heart. No matter what our futures hold. They are my family. Yes, yes, exactly how I feel also :D . Of course, vice versa, that my birthdaughter's afamilies are forever attached to me, my family and my heart as well. Leigh
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i pretty much know what you are saying.....i totally love my sons parents, they are truely part of my family, and i totally accept there roll as him mommy and daddy....and am actually really happy for them....like i would be for any of my relatives if there dreams were coming true. and i am so happy that me and the little life that came from me are playing such a large roll in that. i think that the bond between birthparents and asoptiveparents can be one of the coolest relationships out there, with the right amount of care from everyones part, and myself am glad that i am a part of such a loving one!........ahhhhhhh i am totally rambling! i was pretty much in my own words trying to state i know what your sayin' tigger.......lol
I was so traumatized by my family's reaction to my pregnancy & the birth of my son - and by the adoption social worker's comments (which turned out to be lies - as I discovered many years later) that I went into shock & had a breakdown. On the day I took my son to the adoption agency, something inside me switched off and I went around in a sort of daze for 7 months (I can only remember small snippets of this time). I came out of this daze when I received a letter from the amom (written 7 months earlier), a copy of the adoption certificate & a photo of my son that were posted to me by the adoption social worker. Then it hit me and I realised I had lost my son for ever. It was my son's 1st birthday on the day I opened this package and I sobbed alone in my apartment all day & all night.There were no counsellors for adoption in those days. Everyone just thought it was the "best" and "right" thing to do. Nobody would talk to me about it. If I tried to talk, people just said "we don't talk about those kinds of things". I ended up trying to avoid anything to do with adoption but would suddenly break down at really inappropriate moments if Iws unable to avoid the "a" subject/word for any reason, suffered from PTSD for nearly 30 years before it finally hit me that it was all adoption-related.Obviously, this all started back in the 1970s and the adoptions in those days were closed.Now, 30 years+ on, I am having to rexperience the trauma of those times and, for the first time, express my anger, grief and the terrible feelings of loss of the only child I ever had - and lost.Would I choose adoption/allow myself to be coerced into adoption if I had my life over & know what I know now? No way!
No. I don't feel like an aunt or a friend. I do feel like I'm my child's mother. I had a closed adoption from many, many years ago. So I never had the chance to see my child growing up as you do. I just had to imagine how it would be. You are very lucky to have what you do. Are you perhaps distancing yourself from your children because you don't know what else to do? Please do seek help if you are beginning to feel "distant" or somehow less of a mother (no disrespect meant here - please do not be offended). This may only be a temporary feeling and you will soon feel differently. Please, you are so lucky to have an open adoption & your kids are very lucky that they will always know you. Don't distance yourself from them if you can help it. One day they will need you to be there for them as their "other" mother.
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