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I am a foster-adoptive mother of 3 siblings. They are part of a sibling group of 9, soon to be 10. We are obligated as foster parents to have our children visit their siblings that are also wards of the state twice a month. I transport the kids and have no objection to this. The children's behavior declines dramatically and this decline can last for days, but I accept that this is a natural reaction to the loss of living with their siblings. It is sad, and it's not the kids' fault that their mother and their fathers are not able to parent, nor is it their fault that they are too numerous to be in one placement. My kids are 6, 7, and 9, know their siblings and have a history together. We all live in the same city, and we all know where one another lives, so as I see it, my option after adoption is to continue visits, although not legally obligated to do so, and be a part of that experience, or to discontinue the visits, wound my children, earn their justified resentment, and in the end, they'll ultimately see their siblings themselves when they're 18 if not before. My problem? My mother-in-law does not support sibling visits at all, because she feels that they rake up bad feelings for them, and that's all. I would like to be able to tell her that I've spoken with adult adoptees and that the consensus is that sibling visitation is a positive thing. If you don't agree with that point of view, I'd be interested in that, too. Thanks!
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I am an adoptive mom. We have had our daughter for almost a year. She has two older siblings that she lived with in the birth home and through one placement. After she was seperated, she changed homes about ten times before coming to us. She saw her siblings, who stayed in the first placement, sporadically.
I don't know how long you have had your children, but I want to tell you that the post-visit behavior gets better. We saw a severe reaction after the first visit. Our 7-year old daughter acted like an infant for a few days, had one tantrum after another over EVERYTHING and chewed up toys and clothes and destroyed things in her room. Any rational non-adoption person would say, "forget it. It's too upsetting to her," but we thought our daughter just needed time to come to terms with her new home with us and that we would maintian visits with her sibs. We see her sibs every couple of months (they live in another state) and after each visit we have seen a decline in tantrums, chewing etc. Our last visit was last weekend and she pouted and crossed her arms when it was time for the sibs to leave and was quiet for about an hour. Then she was fine. No tantrum, no destruction, no biting holes in her clothes.
If you stop having visits after the adoption, your children may not say anything, but they will remember and blame you and the damage that causes in your relationship with them will far outweigh dealing with them acting out for a few days every now and then.
We have tried to deal with our daughter's seperation from her sibs with lots of love and understanding. She will get the same punishment for acting out. She cannot use missing her sibs as an excuse to behave anyway she likes (and believe me, she has tried), but we hold her when she cries and tell her we are sorry and know that it is hard not to live with them. We take pictures and put them up on our family wall with everyone else. We put a framed picture of the three of them in her room and post other photos over her desk. We have spoken with the other set of parents and our daughter is allowed to call when she likes. Keeping the lines of communication open is the only way to help her heal and deal with the facts of her life.
Good luck to you!
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