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Okay, I have written about this before...about M's "excessive" masturbation. Everyone always says to tell the child that it is okay to touch their own body, but that it is something done in private. Nobody tells you what to do when they then go in the bedroom and do it ALL THE TIME. Okay, not really all the time, but it feels like it. If I walk in on her one more time humping away, fast and furious, on a pillow or stuffed animal, I think I will scream!I have talked to the therapist, who thinks M does this because she is remembering something. Maybe...but I think she is doing it to have an orgasm! I know that probably sounds awful, but she really works hard at it. I think she must have seen people having sex, either in person or on TV. Anyway, I try to be really open, understand that masturbation is normal, don't want to shame her, etc. However it is disturbing to see a four year old behaving this way. Her behavior is not normal for a four year old. My older daughter would touch herself (gently) at that age, and we had the privacy talk, but she was not constantly acting out on objects as if she was in a p**n movie!As much as I like our therapist, she is starting to imply that I have "issues" with masturbation or sexuality. Well she has never walked in on a four-year old, let alone her own daughter (she has no kids) doing this...over and over again. I hate to say it, but at this point I start thinking that if shaming her will get her to stop, maybe it is worth a try. I don't really mean that...but you can't help feel that way sometimes.Maybe I should not have done this, but I have put away some of the objects she was using for this. When she asked why, I told her I was concerned about how much she was rubbing herself on her pillows, and that I didn't think it was healthy to be doing it that much. I encouraged her to come to me when she feels like doing it and ask me to read a book, play a game, or rub her back. In the past when I discover her doing it, I usually ask her (as the therapist recommends) if she is remembering anything, or feeling sad. One time she did talk about a prior experience of being touched inappropriately...in very general terms. If she said "no", I would just suggest that we read a book.Well, yesterday she was doing it on the arm of the sofa. Can't take the sofa away :confused: Now I feel like I need to have her in my eyesight at all times. If I am doing laundry, maybe she needs to come with me.I really don't mean to sound like a prude or anything....but as I said this behavior is excessive and not normal, and not healthy to this extent (I think). Any more advice would be helpful. I know a few people told me that their children's sexualized behaviors improved over time....so there is hope :roll eyes: .Thanks!
Last update on January 3, 4:11 am by Sachin Gupta.
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My daughter used to masturbate to the point she had developed a sore or rash. So she needed cream from the doctor. She would only masturbate at night in her bed. But I did have to talk to her about being gentle and kind to her body. She was 8. She did eventually either stop, or reduce her behavior, since there is no more rash or sore. She was embarrassed about talking about it, and denied what she was doing.
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I know we had the "standard" behaviour where Naomi would kind of touch herself subconsciously in an effort to comfort herself. And over time it has improved. I did the regular, "We keep our bodies to ourselves" routine and it eventually stopped. None of it is very helpful to you, but it did slow down after she was more settled with us. I was kind of freaked by it, because I had gender-based assumptions that boys do that, but it's gross if girls do it. Which of course isn't accurate, but I didn't expect to deal with it. I think there's more to it than just general exploration. It sounds like there's something deeper going on. If children are sexually abused they can be oversexualized, and do/say/act out very "adult" things. I would be concerned. There has to be someone else you can talk to? At least I know there are articles online. I totally support you. And sexual issues are all so loaded, it's difficult to know what's guilt/shame/prudishness and what is the real issue at hand. Hugs to you! Even experts say that masturbation is a problem if it interferes in a child's other activities, which it sounds like it is if it's taking alot of her time. Kerri
odds are someone has done something to her, even more then her jsut seeing it on a movie or real life... If she is doing it so much she is raw and needs meds. many therapist would sugest she not do it for a while....this has been discussed a lot of the special needs boards in the past... When i first got my first foster children they were 5, 4, and 17 1/2 months and were having full on sex with each other and they tried to pin that I was too uptight and didn't know anything crap on me about it (b-parents were later convicted of sexually abusing all the kids) The first therapist we had said any kid would have full on sex if let unattended like these kids were, and the guy was so stupid and not helpful......so maybe it is the therapist with the problem... Say straight up to the therapist, 1. it is not normal for a 4 year old girl to constantly masturbate 2. she is preoccupied with it and it is becoming a compulstion what worked in our house was spending as much time with the kid as possible and anytime she did in in front of other people she was openly reminded to do that in her room, and once she was away from the people who were sexually abusing her, it died down....also we de-sexualized our home and made a point not to watch anything like a soap opera, movie, tv comercial, etc.... that would remind the children about people "sexing" the word the used all the time....
My son is 4, almost 5. He has't really gone that far . . . yet. He does touch himself a little more than I would like. I remind him an awful lot not to touch himself in public. However, for about the last 9 months or so, I have to fight with him to go urinate. And when he does finally go, he kind of pinches himself off, so to speak. I think he likes the feeling he gets when this happens. He always wait until he has a full erection to go to the bathroom. I too, am at a loss at what to do.
Still no improvement, and sounds like it is even more excessive...? Did she use the sofa after you took away her other familiar objects? Just wondering if she had to replace, or if she simply in search of anything and everything that she can use. Doesn't sound like anything is working so you might indeed need to have more "time in" or have her in your sight more often, which I know is hard to do. Maybe it's time to set limits on when she can do this in order to stop it from becoming a complusion? When she does it, maybe you could say "I think you are feeling unsafe right now so I'm going to hold you until you feel safe." If it's becoming so excessive, it sounds like limits might be necessary. This way it doesn't shame her but allows her to learn the excessiveness is inappropriate too. Is she seeing the therapist weekly? Can't help but think there's more sexual abuse that happened that might be unknown. Think the therapist should be getting to the root of the issues with your daughter instead of saying you have issues with masturbation.
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You been around Bryan Post haven't you?????? Our family provided many of his examples on Sexual Perversion....in his behavior breakdown CD set..... I don't know about it though, if you have been living where sex was a lot of the attention you got--- if the feeling safe thing is going to work..... It helped more for me to say, "You are not going to be around me doing that.....and we don't do that in this house....." It was important to say that in some way to not make sex bad.....and to be open and honest about sex as the children get older and also when they are younger in age appropriate ways... In our case it was pretty sure thing that the sexual abuse was related to the behaviors and there have been countless talks about how sad it was people used their bodies like that, and some really honest stuff (you guys probably don't want to hear about here) but a lot of the time issues of homosexuallity and stuff come up and have to be delt with honestly Bryan never raised a RAD kid or foster child....Nancy Thomas and many others have....I think Bryan has some really interesting perspectives on things...I love his view on medications which is basically does any child really need them....but this one I question because My foster children and children who have had problems with these behaviors were in part doing them for the feeling (I'm not saying they were sex fiends, but they were trying to feel what they had felt before)..... and frank conversations about why you don't masturbate in the TV room, do things with objects, scratch yourself too often in public, molest the dog...need to take place I think it is covered more in the Respectful, Responsible, and Fun To Be Around approach to RAD parenting When I am teaching or working with children in other places I can always say we don't do that here....and usually that is the end of the problem...
Rindava - Good points to bring up and I think for some children the "we don't do that here" will work. Not for everyone though, and in my daughter's situation, it was a familiar way to calm herself down, feel safe and yes she probably even enjoyed it to a point. I wanted to ease her out of that and find other things to replace it with that would still help her feel safe. I found the time ins, and hugs to work with her, as well as the frank discussions and openess. And again, this approach won't necessarily work with everyone. Someone once told me you have to keep trying to find "the" thing that works for an individual child and I think it's so true. Thank goodness for Nancy Thomas and others, the board here etc. to share everything we know in hopes someone else will find "the" thing!:)