Ambiguous Loss...

Hi, Jammit! First of all, I am sorry for your loss and what you are going through. I had a friend complete suicide and it adds another level to the grieving process. By the time I had found my b-parents, they had been passed on for some time, but it was still difficult for my b-family to share their grief with me, and I had to track down a lot of information on my own. People on all sides do not know how to "deal" with me in this situation. I have heard people say, "Why is she grieving so hard, she never knew them. How can you grieve for something/someone that you never had?" What many people do not understand is that grief is grief, loss is loss, and we all go through it differently. I believe that in God's eye's, nobody's grief is any more or less important than someone else's is. I was very lucky to have a very understanding friend stand up for me when she overheard those remarks. She said, "You treat her as though she is has lost her parents, because...she has." I do not see how this could be an ambiguous loss for you. You lost your b-dad. You were his child. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO GRIEVE FOR HIM! Don't let other people make you uncomfortable in this situation. YOU WERE IS CHILD! BE PROUD TO BE HIS CHILD AND THE RELATIONSHIP THAT YOU AND HE MANAGED TO BUILD IN THE SHOT TIME YOU HAD TOGETHER! If you can't talk with the other people involved in this situation, then try to write them a letter, and explain your feelings and why you are feeling this way. If any thing, YOU will feel better. You are in my prays and if you want, or anyone else wants to talk some more, feel free to e-mail me at wingsofgab@yahoo.com Isabella

There is a great book called "Ambiguous Loss" by Pauline Boss. It is an excellent book and you might find it really helpful in making sense of it all. Adoption is fraught with ambiguous losses.

I can relate to your pain as I've just done a rather sudden reunion and found out that my b-parents died over 20 years ago (I was adopted at 8 weeks old in Taiwan). I'm going through grieving and it really hurts! I cry over not having been able to reconnect with them as well as the newfound knowledge of the poverty that they had suffered - I did visit their grave sites, which was helpful. Glad that you and the others in this thread had coined the term 'ambiguous loss' - I think it's so ambiguous since our society has so little recognition of this type of reunion. Most people around me are celebrating the fact that I've reunited with some of my birth siblings - however I guess I'm going through both this ambiguous (and delayed) loss over my bparents. I've been through grieving over the death of one of my adoptive parents so am familiar with how this roller coaster can be. All I can say is that I hope that you are finding healing and am so grateful for this subsection of this site. Everyone's comments really help me feel so less alone in this very sad journey. I know that we'll come out of it healed once the rawer parts are through. P.S. Wouldn't it be great if there was an icon that was crying? The frown one doesn't quite express what I'm feeling.

Some days it is so hard to explain to others when it is so hard to understand myself. Hugs to us all!

I'm still grappling with trying to recognise my grief/bereavement as real. My brain keeps trying to negate this loss by saying, "you hardly knew your b-parents", "you've met some of your b-siblings", "you've had a loving adoptive family and a good life", etc; so why are you feeling so sad? But my tears and my heart ache indicate otherwise. I imagine now that there might be similarities in this loss journey and those of women who've gone through miscarriage. My heart goes out to you, Nugget, it sounds from your signature that you have a long journey in trying to locate all your various b-parents and siblings. Hugs,Ripples

I think it is interesting - I have heard from several adoptees in similar circumstances - and most seem to wonder why they are so affected. To me, it is no puzzle though - he was your father (or one of them) - that is SUPPOSED to affect a person. The fact that you had little time with him is sad, but, it is so wonderful that you had any time with him. Sometimes I think had my reunion never happened, I'd have missed so much - knowing my son - and I am grateful for what we have. Some adoptees find death at the end of a search and are surprised how it affects them. Does not seem anything but entirely normal to me. Whether they knew the parent or not - the loss of a parent is still a signficiant loss. Finding a parent is no longer around is the loss of a dream - and facing the reality the chance to know them is gone forever. A loss - that needs to be acknowledged and grieved in order to heal. I am sorry for your loss and sorry that it was mitigated by people not being honest with you about the circumstances. It's like a double whammy. Sometimes I wonder when people will realize how harmful lies, deceptions, omissions and trying to "protect" people from the truth can be. Maybe people thought it was the right thing to protect you. Reunited birth moms - like me - have so little tolerance for anything less than the whole truth. I am sorry that wasn't what you received. Of course, I am a reunited birth mom though and I believe strongly in that maternal-child bond - that it matters - that years apart doesn't entirely destroy it - and that to rebuild that bond after many years apart is one of life's miracles.

I think for myself part of the surprise in my emotions was because I had not prepared myself for the idea of not meeting her ever, or that she would have died already. And then not knowing how to deal with the emotions. I know part of it had to do with those around me. Kind of like if everyone tells you that you have a tail you ought to turn and look. Well, everyone seemed to say about the same thing with different words though. And what I was hearing was well at least I found her at all. And why am I upset if I never knew her. And this might just be easier, less complications. So it was hard for me, and still is sometimes, to feel what I need to feel. I'm starting to be able to feel safe feelings wise in my home with my husband. It took awhile but he "gets it" for the most part now and is a great support when I do need to cry. But even still, I cry on my own. Just easier that way! Hugs to everyone here, Wendy

Hi All,I, too, found my birthmom had already passed away. She had been searching for me, also. For a long time I just tried to ignore the pain and tell myself I was being silly for letting it affect me. But the longer I went the more it became depression. I finally realized that I was very upset over her death and never getting to know her. It seems as if I still have something out there that I keep reaching for and can't touch, even in part of myself, because of not being able to see my birthmother. It is very sad. Part of me is scared of my reaction if I had been able to know her, actually. But I so wish I could have had that chance. Hugs, Growing

Hi Growing,I can fully relate to your attempts to ignore the pain and tell yourself that you're 'being silly'. Although I'm going through bereavement over my b-parents, I'm still struggling with those same voices that are trying to negate the enormity of this double loss. I agree that not being able to see one's birthmother is a very sad experience and the depth of the yearning is incredible. I, too, so wish I have had that chance to see my b-parents. Hugs to you,Ripples

I agree with that 100%. The day I found out that my birthmother had died, I cried and cried. The whole time I was crying, I kept thinking "Why is this affecting me so much?" She had died before I got to meet her, during my search for her. She never knew that I was searching for her. I was so surprised at how easily the tears came, day after day, whenever I thought about it. What keeps coming to my mind is something that my 17 year old son said to me after I read the letter. He said "I don't know what to say to you Mom, but I'm just glad you're here for me." I thought that was so sweet and it keeps me focused on what's important in my life right now. Don't get me wrong, I still think of her daily and luckily I've made contact with her sister, my birth-aunt, and we plan to meet soon, so I'm still searching for answers. If there is anyone in your birthfamily that you feel would be truthful with you, then by all means, ask them about it. Don't put it off just because you don't want to upset them or feel that you don't deserve to know. You deserve to know just as much as anyone else does in the family. If they can't handle that, it's their problem. Hope you are able to find your answers.Just know we are here if you need us, Jennie ;)

I haven't been on the forums for a while but just read your post about your birth father. I am so sorry for your loss. I know how you feel somewhat, because my bmom died this past november and some of what you described seems so real to me. If you would like to see my website it talks about some of my feelings etc similar to yours. [url]http://www.freewebs.com/barbs-daughter[/url]