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Originally Posted By kimI have been reading these postings and it seems to me that whether young, or old, forced to, or decided on your own, giving a child up for adoption is universally painful. Whatever the circumstances, we all seem to feel pain and regret. I was 22, not so young, but not a strong person. I was dating someone but cheated on him and got pregnant. No one knew there was anyone else involved, how much worse does it need to be? I didn't tell anyone I was pregnant until I was 6 months along when my mother told me I was gaining weight. I told her I wasn't going to lose any and the secret was out. My parents supported me completely but I just couldn't be someone's mother, I didn't feel anything maternal for this child at all. I just wanted to hide it from as many people as possible, talk about it as little as possible and be done with it. Of course as soon as my daughter was born, I was so amazed at what I had done by giving birth I was thrilled. Suddenly there was person in my arms, not a mistake anymore. However, I had promised her to a couple who wanted to have a child and I couldn't take that away from them. I suppose I didn't want to deep down, but suddenly that was something I struggled with. I bought her a little outfit and blanket so her parents would know that someone cared about her, that I didn't want her to be picked up in a hospital receiving blanket and I went home and have greived for 12 years. On top of that my sister got pregnant with her boyfriend's child a few months after she realized my parents didn't kick me out of the house for getting pregnant and they got married, then divorced, and they (my sister & her son) live with my parents who treat their grandchild like a prince. And everyday I have watched this, and watched him grow up and imagine that that could have been my daughters life. I love my nephew, but it didn't make forgetting any easier. I don't know why I'm writing this but I just don't believe God had anything to with it,nobody prayed for me, I think at some point you find someone or something that means something to you and takes your attention away from your own self pity and self hatred that you can live with out crying for few months. I'm also waiting til my daughter turns 18 so if she wants to find me I can apologize for making her think for one second she was a person who was unloved or unwanted for even one moment of her life. That I will never forgive myself for being the person who made her feel that way. People tell you your strong for giving a child up for adoption, I think it means I'm weak, I wasn't forced into it. I hope she wasn't abused or made to feel small. I have friends and who are adopted and none, not one of them want to find their birthparents. They hate them and one was abused by her adopted father and moved across the country to get away from him. I guess I don't feel like I want to be "healed" or be helped by "God". I think that should be saved for people who are sick, who don't live in a self created pain. I know I'm not very positive and I don't want other people to think this is what I think of them. This is how I feel about myself. I wish I wish I wish I didn't. I read your postings hoping your words and stories and poems will bring me some comfort and lift my cloud I keep right under the surface. But they don't. I've finally gotten to a point where I want to have children. I've always felt, like some of you, that I didn't deserve to have a child to keep. How could I ever explain that to my daughter when she shows up on my doorstep to claim me as her own? But the older I get the more I want what I only had a tiny glipse at and that if I ever see her, I will have missed her entire life. I don't want to miss anyone else's life, I want to be there. That's progress right?I'm sorry if I've bummed anyone out, but I guess, I'm bummed out sometimes.
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Originally Posted By kimThank you Jackie. Like I said, I'm not sure what God has to do with it, but I'll take all the help I can get. I am at a place where I'm hoping to get married and have children. That is a big step from where I was a few years ago. And hopefully, I'll get the chance someday to bring my family together. Holidays are the worst time you know? I look around at my family, and I know there's someone missing. I know she was better provided for than she would have been with me, but that just doesn't seem to help all time. Thanks for the kind words.
Originally Posted By MatildaI completely understand the pain that you are going through. I placed my son for adoption 10 months ago. My grief has not lessened, I have just learned better ways to manage it. I also waited until I was seven months to tell anyone I was pregnant, including the birth father. Not necessarily because I was hiding the pregnancy, it just took me that long to deal with feelings of denial. (I found out I was pregnant when I was five months along). I had already decided to place when I told my family and birthfather. The decision was mine alone, although I gave the father the opportunity to make a choice about the baby. I live with my decision daily, and I still cry myself to sleep, but I do not regret my decision. I know I did the right thing for that baby, and also for myself. Don't look down at yourself. There is light at the end of the tunnel. I speak at seminars where I am in contact with adoptees looking for birthparents quite often. 99% of the time they express the love they feel for their birth mom's especially for the choice they made. I am excited to meet my son again and I know I will be able to look at him and he will know that everything I did, I did out of love.I hope you can find comfort and feel at peace in your decision.
Originally Posted By Serena KirbyI am in a similar situation. I often felt like I didn't have a "good enough" reason for giving up my daughter 9 years ago. I am a good parent to my two "at-home" children, but I would not have been a good parent to the one I gave up. I just hope, for all of us, that if there are reunions in our future, that they bring us the closure we need, and fill the void(s) that we each live with today.P.S. Pay no mind to the people haggling over "Susan" whoever she is. I thought one of the rules of this site was not to pick on each other?
Originally Posted By JessicaI have been through days, years, when I felt just as you do. Where is God in all of this? Where am I in all of this? I was brought up in the church, and getting pregnant and giving my son up for adoption shattered any faith I grew up with. I am not sick, but after the shit I have been through I do believe in God. I have seen dark years, and realized that my pain was the sickness. My heart aches, yes, I created life inside my body, and let him go home with someone else. I question nearly every day how I could have done this. What kind of person am I. There can't be any true happiness, any real pure happiness, that I could ever "qualify" for now. The fact is, I made a choice. I made a choice for a reason, and the reason was based on my life at that time. The circumstances have changed with time, but that doesn't undo the choice, the moments I made that choice, or the reasons I made that choice. Making that choice was not the hardest thing I have ever done, living with that choice is. But I am not done yet. I still have life left in me. My son is alive and learning about the world around him, safe with his parents, and I allowed that to be. I ache for him, but I am glad for him. I can go on and have children if I want to, they cannot. I wasn't ready to raise a child when he came into this world, they were. I just wanted you to know, your days of numbness, of anger, of self pity, they happen to us all. Whether we believe in God or not. All I know for sure, is that I made a choice. God didn't make that choice for me, or make me do it, or speak to me and tell me to do it. But he is there for support when I question that decision. I hope the best for you. I will pray for you, and your daughter as well. Keep your eyes open to the things that make life precious.
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I'm 17 years old and live in England. At the moment I am 31 weeks pregnant and I'm giving the child up for adoption. I know this sounds really cold and heatless but at 7 weeks I tried for an abortion and it obviously didn't work which i didn't find out until i was 25 weeks pregnant, but now I didn't want it at 7 weeks and I still cannot imagine myself bringing up a child. There are so many things I want to do with my life and I hadn't ever thought I would ever even have children later on in life so this isn't even something that I can contemplate doing. But also, I wouldn't be able to give this child a life worth living. I have no money and I live with my parents and I am still in school. My parents are amazing about the pregnancy though, obviously it isn't what they wanted for me but they have been wonderful which is another reason why I cannot keep this child. My mum was sterilised a couple of years ago because she doesn't want anymore children after having myself and my brother. If I was to keep this baby it would end up being looked after by her because my parents don't want me giving up my education; neither do I. I know it sounds completely selfish of me to give this child up for adoption, and yes it may be, but i honestly believe i am doing the right thing because i am not in the right place to have a child and i just think of all the people who cannot have children and how happy i could make a couple or just one person by giving them a child that they can love.
I realise that in 18-20 years this may come back to haunt me, and if it does then i will still let the child know that i genuinely in my heart believe that i did the right thing.
I really just want someone to talk to who knows what it is like, someone who believes they did the right thing in giving their child up for adoption. Support would be great.
Also sorry if it soundslike i have been trying to justify myself but i know that there are a lot fopeople who do not agree with adoption or either regret giving their child up for adoption but i would like to say that if you really believed in your heart at the time that it was the best thing to do for yourself and the child then it probably was the best thing to do. if you genuinely believe that you couldn't give the child a better life or you just were not ready then you shoudln't judge yourself because at the end of the day it's what was right at the time that counts, not what was right for you 2 years down the line.
thanks.
I am a birth mother who gave birth to my first born at 21 and placed him for adoption. That was 34 years ago. I still believe it was the best decision for both of us. His life has not been perfect, but it wouldn't have been perfect if I had raised him either. There are a couple things that you may want to consider. My mother warned me that there were no guarantees that I would be able to have other children and while I have two other children, many women have found themselves unable to have other children. My arms ached to hold my baby for years after he was born. (Long after he would want to have been held!) Know that it will be not over at placement. As I have said, I truly believed I had made the right decision and I still grieved. No matter what your final decision, it will not be easy. (Welcome to adult life!) How do your parents feel about adoption? I don't think my mother ever quite forgave me for choosing adoption. One of my regrets is that she did not live long enough for my reunion with him. Do you plan an open adoption so that you will have some contact with your child? That wasn't possible for me. Another regret is that he didn't know that I wanted contact with him. He didn't get the letter I left for him and believed that I wanted no contact. The funny thing is that both of us wanted the other one to be the one to look.
I don't think I do want an open adoption because i know in myself that i can be really possesive and i get jealous really easily, if i was to have contact with the child i think it would only make it harder for myself.
i knwo this isn't the case for some people but i really do believe that everyone copes with things differently and i think the best thing for me is to just get it over and done with and get back to normal life. i'm not going to sit here and say i've had a really bad life, because i haven't but as a lot of women have, i got taken in by a man who really only wanted one thing [hense why i'm in this situation] and now i really just need to do something for myself after have 3 years of doing something just for him and only for him. i suppose, this has wokenme to the reality of what i was doing and how i could have been happy doing my own thing and sorting out my own life and the only thing i regret is that it took this to make me see. i really do sometimes wake up in the morning and think 'you really are the definition of a stupid little girl are't you?'
however i really do think that i am making the right decision for me and the child. my parents both want to do what i want. they haven't tried to make me keep it and it certainly wasn't their idea to put the child up for adoption. i think the thing that they are scared of is people judging THEM on letting me put the child up for adoption. however this whole thing is being kept a huge secret for my benefit really because i really want things to just return the closest to normal as possible.
:] thanks.
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I hope one day she looks for you. You may have to be patient depending on the type of adoption and where.
I was raised by two terrific people who worried every day that my bmom would come here and take me away. Not that that would've happened. Yes I've always wanted to know who she was and who my father was.
Over the past 20 years I've been looking, since the passing of my bparents more aggressively. Since NJ has sealed records it's only been the past couple of weeks that I received a name and original location of my bmom.
I think I've located her and have written - just waiting now, but she's 71 and I'm 50. Just don't go through life thinking that she doesn't care where she came from. It may not be true - there may be circumstances preventing her from locating you. The biggest would be that she was raised in a wonderful family and doesn't want to hurt her parents by locating you.
Miss her in a corner of your heart, but don't let it obsess you and prevent you from going forward. Be honest with who you settle down with - this will make a reunion oneday much easier
Good Luck
katemcc
I don't think I do want an open adoption because i know in myself that i can be really possesive and i get jealous really easily, if i was to have contact with the child i think it would only make it harder for myself.i knwo this isn't the case for some people but i really do believe that everyone copes with things differently and i think the best thing for me is to just get it over and done with and get back to normal life. i'm not going to sit here and say i've had a really bad life, because i haven't but as a lot of women have, i got taken in by a man who really only wanted one thing [hense why i'm in this situation] and now i really just need to do something for myself after have 3 years of doing something just for him and only for him. i suppose, this has wokenme to the reality of what i was doing and how i could have been happy doing my own thing and sorting out my own life and the only thing i regret is that it took this to make me see. i really do sometimes wake up in the morning and think 'you really are the definition of a stupid little girl are't you?' however i really do think that i am making the right decision for me and the child. my parents both want to do what i want. they haven't tried to make me keep it and it certainly wasn't their idea to put the child up for adoption. i think the thing that they are scared of is people judging THEM on letting me put the child up for adoption. however this whole thing is being kept a huge secret for my benefit really because i really want things to just return the closest to normal as possible. :] thanks.
Yeah I understand that normal reall has changed for me. but it's the normal that i had before that i crave soo much. the normal that i had just sorted out for myself that was taken away by all of this. i really do understand how selfish i sound by saying this but it really is the only way i can put it.
i would never ever consider keeping it a secret from a future partner who i think could be in it for the long run, because similarly, i don't keep secrets well with people who i trust. i would always be open about this subject once the realtionship got far enough.
in about 18-20 years i hoenstly don't think i would try to make contact because i wouldn't want to 'disrupt' their life if they didn't want to know me, but if they wanted to contact me i have no objection to this. i understand that they would want to know where they have come from and find out why i chose to give them up for adoption.
something i would like to have advice on would be wether or not to have the birth father's name put on the birth certificate or not. i don't want him to think that he doesn't have a responsibility to this child [even though he seems to think that none of this is his fault at the moment] but still, in the long run i don't particularly want all of this to fall right back on top of me when the father knew what was happening. But also, he's not a very nice man and this may turn out to be a horrible situation in years down the line if he refuses contact.
Does anyone have any advice for me that I could have that may help me in my decision about this?
Many thanks.
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Please know that I truly understand your desire! (Been there.) I can only share what my reality has been. Someone else may be better able to help you, but my sense is that you should name him on the birth certificate. It seems to me that there could be more problem with finalizing the adoption if there's no father's signature. (Not sure about that.) My sense was that I was willing to be contacted but that I didn't want to interrupt D's life. Unfortunately, the agency that handled his adoption was closed and he had no way to contact me. He also didn't want to interrupt my life (and felt that if I cared, I'd look for him.) I think that's why I like the idea of "semi-open" adoption where both sides know the name and/or location of the other.
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Originally Posted By kim
I have been reading these postings and it seems to me that whether young, or old, forced to, or decided on your own, giving a child up for adoption is universally painful. Whatever the circumstances, we all seem to feel pain and regret. I was 22, not so young, but not a strong person. I was dating someone but cheated on him and got pregnant. No one knew there was anyone else involved, how much worse does it need to be? I didn't tell anyone I was pregnant until I was 6 months along when my mother told me I was gaining weight. I told her I wasn't going to lose any and the secret was out. My parents supported me completely but I just couldn't be someone's mother, I didn't feel anything maternal for this child at all. I just wanted to hide it from as many people as possible, talk about it as little as possible and be done with it. Of course as soon as my daughter was born, I was so amazed at what I had done by giving birth I was thrilled. Suddenly there was person in my arms, not a mistake anymore. However, I had promised her to a couple who wanted to have a child and I couldn't take that away from them. I suppose I didn't want to deep down, but suddenly that was something I struggled with. I bought her a little outfit and blanket so her parents would know that someone cared about her, that I didn't want her to be picked up in a hospital receiving blanket and I went home and have greived for 12 years. On top of that my sister got pregnant with her boyfriend's child a few months after she realized my parents didn't kick me out of the house for getting pregnant and they got married, then divorced, and they (my sister & her son) live with my parents who treat their grandchild like a prince. And everyday I have watched this, and watched him grow up and imagine that that could have been my daughters life. I love my nephew, but it didn't make forgetting any easier.
I don't know why I'm writing this but I just don't believe God had anything to with it,nobody prayed for me, I think at some point you find someone or something that means something to you and takes your attention away from your own self pity and self hatred that you can live with out crying for few months. I'm also waiting til my daughter turns 18 so if she wants to find me I can apologize for making her think for one second she was a person who was unloved or unwanted for even one moment of her life. That I will never forgive myself for being the person who made her feel that way. People tell you your strong for giving a child up for adoption, I think it means I'm weak, I wasn't forced into it. I hope she wasn't abused or made to feel small. I have friends and who are adopted and none, not one of them want to find their birthparents. They hate them and one was abused by her adopted father and moved across the country to get away from him.
I guess I don't feel like I want to be "healed" or be helped by "God". I think that should be saved for people who are sick, who don't live in a self created pain. I know I'm not very positive and I don't want other people to think this is what I think of them. This is how I feel about myself. I wish I wish I wish I didn't. I read your postings hoping your words and stories and poems will bring me some comfort and lift my cloud I keep right under the surface. But they don't. I've finally gotten to a point where I want to have children. I've always felt, like some of you, that I didn't deserve to have a child to keep. How could I ever explain that to my daughter when she shows up on my doorstep to claim me as her own? But the older I get the more I want what I only had a tiny glipse at and that if I ever see her, I will have missed her entire life. I don't want to miss anyone else's life, I want to be there. That's progress right?
I'm sorry if I've bummed anyone out, but I guess, I'm bummed out sometimes.