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Just looking for some perspective on our situation:
We spent last weekend visiting bmom and her family in her (very small, very depressed) hometown. Since the visit, I have been feeling very sad for bmom.
Our son is a toddler and didn't "recognize" bmom. He knew on sight that he's seen her before (a few family pictures of all of us together are up in his room and we do look through albums of pics to reinforce her name to him). But at first he just looked at her with a questioning, skeptical look and when she tried to hold him, he often resisted. He warmed up to her during the visit -- to the extent of smiling and waving at her often but he did not show her many spontaneous displays of affection. He is very affectionate with me & my husband and this was clearly painful for her. Bmom was able to talk with me a bit about how hard it was for her to see him at this point in his life when he is too young to understand who she is to him. I really felt sad for her pain and have not been able to shake this sadness.
Plus, there are a lot of other very sad and uncertain things going on in bmom's life right now (including: no stable place to live, questionable bf relationship, a new pregnancy, her desparate desire to parent this new child but a fear of what her/their future will be like, etc.) and I am also feeling sad and powerless to help her with any of those things. We did what little we could to help out on a practical level (buying some of the main items necessary for the new baby) while we were in town but now it feels like all we did was put a small bandaid on a huge wound.
I know that we are not responsible for her pain nor for the other things going on her life (that have nothing directly to do with our son). I just don't know how best to be supportive to her (other than listening which she knows I will always do for her whenever she wants to talk). And I'm struggling to balance my own feelings about her situation with the knowledge that we can't make things all better for her.
Anyone else struggle with any similar feelings for their child's birthparent(s)?
TIA for any thoughts anyone can offer.
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Oh yeah, we're there too. You want for them to go on to do excellent things because you love them. Sometimes though that's not happening, at least in the short-term.
I wish I could offer some sage words. All we can do though is to listen to them, encourage them to do positive things (without being pushy), and keep being the parents they'd hoped for their son. It was hard for me - I wanted so badly to 'fix' them - until I realized that they didn't ask me to fix them. They asked me to raise their son. So I do.
HTH
Regina
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From a bmum's point of view the best thing you can do is show that you do care as that means as much as practical help. Of course any practical advice you can give will probably be welcomed as well as it will help put things into perspective.
My son's adoption was closed so it wasn't an issue plus my circumstances were different I was working and living in a nice neighbourhood .... we are in reunion now. However if I had been in that situation I would have appreciated just knowing some one cared enough to give emotional support.
Pip :)
I have also felt a lot of sadness for my daughter's birthmom. I feel sometimes like I wish that I could heal all the hurts that she has had in her life. If I was able to do this maybe she could be a different person. I think she drowns all her pain with alcohol. I don't know who I would be if I had gone through all the same things she has. I do know that I can never take the hurts away but I still wish I could. I really want her to know how special she is. She is not just the bad things about her she is also the good. When I talked to her she seemed to only think about her bad points. I tried to remind her that she has good points also. Everyone of us has good and bad parts about us. We can all strive to be better. I think of life sort of like a video game. We are all trying to get to the next level sometimes we stumble and fall, sometimes we jump high and make it. We then find out that there are new things we would like to achieve and this continues until we die. Then we see if we achieved the ultimate reward a life with God. I realize that Jesus paid the price for all of our sins and that we are forgiven when we ask Him. He is also there drawing us to himself all the time.