Reactive Attachment Disorder

bakerk, It is hard to stick with it at times. It's not so much wanting to "end it." It's looking at the extreme behaviors we're dealing with & wondering how we'll survive if there is no progress in the next 7 years. It's having other people not understand & think that we (the parents) must be the problem, because "a child could never............." It's feeling isolated in a world of which it seems that no one else knows what to say to you...& distances themselves for utter lack of words. Why do I stick with it? Wow...well...I know that if we too were to give up on our severe RAD child (like 13 other placements have), she would only be that much more damaged. It's realizing that these other people that gave up on her didn't know half of what we do about her...& still said it was "too much." What are the chances that someone else could commit to her? It's reminding myself everyday that she is merely a child...a very, very wounded child. It's remembering that she is testing me over & over again everyday, because she's so terrified of me leaving her as well...but also terrified of the "foreign" feeling of love, bonding, & trust. It's all about not taking it personally...not blaming her for the situation...not resenting her presence in the family. I have to say that there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with saying, "I couldn't do that." You have to set your own tolerance level, & you are not alone. I too (at one time) said, "I couldn't/wouldn't do that." If you're not ready, you're not ready. It's better that you admit that, so that a child isn't disrupted. There is no shame in it, & we are all at different places in our lives. Not all children are this severe (& I haven't told it all here), but be wary. Understand that not all agencies make full disclosures about the child's history (although they are supposed to). Furthermore, much of the behaviors may have gone undetected. In our RADlette's case, her profile said she was a "sweet, loving child" who "has no problems in the foster home or at school." Luckily, we knew that couldn't be possible after 6 years in foster care & 13 moves! So...we were prepared for "bad news"...We braced ourselves. :) I admit it; it is hell, but I do it on the pretenses of hoping to make some small difference...of hoping that she will learn some measure of success in her life. It's all based on hope...& we RAD moms & dads must prepare ourselves for the reality that no difference may ever occur. All we can do is try. We don't see the end of any tunnel right now, but as our support group describes it, we are currently "in the trenches." We are in the volitale stage...the stage that pushes many parents over the edge. It's hard to see clear of the smoke we are currently in, but we go on remembering why we are doing this & what our goals are for this child. The reality is that there may never be an end to the tunnel. We may have to grieve over & over again, if she chooses to continue on her current path. We may indeed face the heartbreak of watching her abuse drugs, enter prostitution, or whatever, but as we consider that reality, we make sure that everyday we've done everything we can. Then, if it does turn out in depressing ways, we'll guard our hearts by knowing that we gave it our all. Our love is truly unconditional. I couldn't have imagined I would see & experience the things I have in the last year, & perhaps I would have run for the hills if I had. But I'm here now, & this little girl needs me. She needs parents who care enough to invest their time & energy into her...inordinate amounts of time & energy...& parents who care enough to hold her accountable for even the actions that seem trite. Don't feel ashamed at all to ask such questions, because you are doing exactly what you should at this point...researching. Alarmingly, the majority of people I've met who have become involved in foster care or foster to adopt have NOT done much research beforehand & are emotionally & spiritually crushed when the child doesn't met their expectations or preconceived ideals or "fairy tale" of a family. I applaud you for taking such responsibility in your choices.

Thanks, jhenry for the detailed and friendly reply. I actually almost didn't post because I felt like such a terrible person for not being able to handle something like this (and admitting :o). Your discussion has really been an eye opener- especially the tricky parts like children who are very affectionate and outgoing with strangers. Whenever I see that now on the listing, it will definitely alert me to dig deeper.

WOW!!!! I thought my dd didn't have any attachment problems, but she is exhibiting the same behavior as if she were borderline RAD and I got slammed on another thread for being a "commando mom" I promise you I DOES DEFINATELY WORK!!!!! The rebellion ends and the secure child emerges and voila!!! She perfect and happy and normal......for you.....give someone else the reins and all her behaviors come back 100%

Hi all-- My CW sent out our homestudy for a girl diagnosed with RAD. Got it admit that my husband and I are scared about RAD--this would be our first child! Anyway, my CW said that according to the child's CW, the girl "targets animals" but apparently "does not physically abuse them." I have no idea what this statement means, and I will investigate it thoroughly. Thoughts?

I think that a first child RAD actually works better because there is 100% time and attention able to be given without being at the expense of other children. Educate yourself heavily and decide now NEVER TO DISRUPT and you'll be fine.

Targets animals but doesn't abuse them? Besides the fact that this makes no sense, it also indicates serious denial on the caseworkers part. If you decide or are selected for this child, be sure they let you talk to former foster parents and counselors. You want as much real information as you can get so you will know what you need to prepare for. I would also check to see what type of therapy resources are available in your area for treating attachment Disorder as normal therapy is not at all useful for a child with RAD.

It certainly makes no sense at all!!!!! I have taken the liberty of pm'ing you.....but realize that if you have a RAD child as your first child....you may very well not have ANY more children in your home. RAD children often do best in a home where they are the only ones....and oftentimes, that is exactly what happens in the home.......no other children can easily co-exist with RAD children. I've known of several couples who were unable to have more children, because of their RAD child and the danger RAD kids quite often present. Please educate yourself fully on RAD...especially if you intend to have more than just one child!!! Sincerely, Linny

Just wanted to add....I have raised two stepsons with diagnosed ADD/ADHD who had many s/s of RAD. They are both adults now and are on their own but I did have them from the time they were 7 and 9 and I can say wholeheartedly that I don't miss a day of that behavior!! Besides being completely draining on an everyday level, I started to feel isolated from other families with kids, since mine didn't "play nice". I had two bio daughters and then a new baby in the same house and looking back.....I shudder!! There was the urinating problems.....the trying to set the house on fire.....the smashing of car windows.....and on and on. But we did survive!! It took about five years to finally be able to sleep through the night but I remember one day, looking at alll the kids running apple picking and thinking to myself...."I am the luckiest woman in the world". I remember being so shocked at the thought that I almost tripped over my own to feet!I didn't have much support back then but now we are in the process of adopting and older child and lots of people are wondering why (sometimes even us!). My theory, you get through it. You survive it, you learn from it, it makes you crazy, it makes you stronger and then one day you look at those kids and think.....I am the luckiest woman in the world!! One you know what? You are.

RAD and ADD/ADHD are not even remotely the same.

RAD is often misdiagnosed as ADD/ADHD. If the child had many signs and symptoms of RAD he very likely could have add attachment disorders or issues of attachment. But, RAD and ADD/ADHD, I agree, are very different.

hi dr.kad, aspenhall

Educate yourself heavily and decide now NEVER TO DISRUPT and you'll be fine. aspenhall, i think thats too much pressure... :o ...i think the biggest issue is, that if you have not seen what a RAD child can bring into a home, then there is no way you can know that you wouldnt disrupt. i knew of our sons issues, i had educated myself alot, and believed that we would never disrupt. but when you are actually living in it...disruption comes to mind alot....the job of raising these children is the most diffulcut thing in the world. you sink deeper and deeper in it and then soon you just cant go any lower...there is no support anymore. you start getting real depressed, your marriage starts to fall apart because the child drains everything out of you....you find yourself in tears most of the day... so i guess the reason why im writing, if someone needs to disrupt....i dont want them to feel to guilty about it...these kids are tough. DSS actually disrupted our adoption...our son was just so out of control and couldnt keep safe...(a long story, but as most now, we are getting him back..we do love him) linny

you may very well not have ANY more children in your home. so true... dr kad, if you and your husband are looking to adopt another child, after you adopt your first with RAD, chances are that wont happen. RAD children sometimes cannot be around other children, so really think if you and your husband just want one child...if your 'dream' is more, then i wouldnt adopt a child with RAD. "targets animals" but apparently "does not physically abuse them." I have no idea what this statement means, and I will investigate it thoroughly i agree, investigate more....and definitly educate yourself on RAD. look at the symptoms. you mentioned that this is your first child, so im sure you have some 'dream' of what it is going to like...we did. having a RAD child, your 'dream' isnt the same as a RAD childs.......your signing up for alot.....its not easy.. i think what got us the most...is the lonliness that we felt...all our support system when we were adoptiong, family and friends, kinda slowly stopped. yes, they are still in contact with us...but we havnt seen them....why? because our kids behaviors makes them very uncomfortable... plus, they just dont get why they cant do certain things with our kids, or why we cant come to the party... life will change as you know it...or dreamed of what it would look like How and why do you stick with it? i think lorraine siad it best.... there is a light at the end of the tunnel, its just different. yes, the light is different, but its just as bright. good luck with everything, and keep us updated on how the adoption is going... be forwarned, the CW's job is to get kids adopted, and they do sugar coat alot....

You are right and 15 years ago, if I had more info I might have been more proactive in finding a better diagnosis and treatment. Luckily for me and my family things worked out fine OVER TIME. The boys both still have issues that seem to be more related to RAD. I wish I knew then what I am finding out now. Now that we are in the process of adopting, I have started finding out more about different behaviors and can identify with some of the behaviors I have seen in the past. Different names.....familiar behaviors!

heyall--Thanks for your advice on the RAD situation. I have been reading up on the disorder and my husband and I generally feel that this would be more than we could handle.The "tageting animals" comment doesn't make sense, I agree!!! I addressed it with my CW but she's so new to adoption (has been a foster care CW but just got assigned to us and we've gone round and round with her...she's sweet but no much of an advocate!). Anyway, even if we are matched, I don't think this is the best match for us.Onward!!!Thanks, guys...

dr kad, hang in there...i know it must be hard to pass on a child...but your child is out there, you just havnt met him/her yet.

Dr Kad- I'm glad you realized that RAD was something you couldn't handle. Its so much better to realize that now rather than wait until the child is placed with you. Its a very tough disorder to deal with. Your child is out there. Hang on, your day will come! Lorraine