reunion gone amuck

My 17 yr old b-son Will located me June a year ago. The adoption was arraigned as an open adoption 17 yrs ago - but the APs closed contact almost immediately after placement. At first everything was wonderful - he's had a great life, he's tall, dark, handsome, in position to be valedictorian. He and my 14 yr old were amazingly similar - even having identical niche interests. Everyone hit it off fabulous and there were several short visits. I felt extraodinarily lucky. SInce then things have gone downhill to the point where I almost cant bring myself to interact with him on any level. It seems that the primary motivator for the reunion was for Will to establish contact with my 14 yr old George. Apparently Will's life felt empty without a sibling. He became obsessed with my son - by his own admission. Will became very insistent almost right from the beginning regarding interaction with my 14 yr old. Will would IM me and various other family members for hours each day discusssing our 14 yr old's personality and motivations in great detail and prompting us to make George IM with him. There was an incident at x-mas were Will's AF purchased a plane ticket for my son to fly out to their home for x-mas against my specifc and repeated instructions which cause a rather large outburst from myself and all the extended family. There was another incident where Will sent George a lengthy IM full of very strong curse words and racial sluts. Several incidents where Will used emotional manipultion to get George to follow his wishes. Asking George "do you love me? If you do - the best way to show it is..." the list of issues at this point is rather lengthy. I feel all of the issues are rather serious but I'm so torn up over all of this that it could be me overreacting. Anyway - I tried repeatedly to dicuss the issues with WIll and with his AF (his AM died 3 years ago). At first I tried soft redirects and was ignored. Then I spoke more directly and was chastized by the AF and then ignored. As the incedents continued to mount - I finally admit to losing my temper and speaking rather harshly. However I spoke no more harshly to Will than I do to my other 4 children when faced with serious infractions. However - I dont have the relationship background with Will that I do with my other kids. I also set up some firm boundaries and limitations until the outstanding issues are resolved - essentially ceasing contact between the sibs for the time being. Anyway - I was unsuccessful in establishing boundaries until it was too late and unsuccessful in communicating my needs as a parent to have our family rules respected at all. There are lots of hard feelings between everyone now. I also have hard personal feelings about the fact that Will seems to have no emotional connection to me at all - only seeing me as a conduit to something he wants - which is George. Will has also interacted with some of the other extended family in the same way and they have some hard feelings as well. Anyway - all of this spiraled so far out of control. I couldnt have imagined that after agonizing for 17 years for knowledge of Will - that within months - I would be just as agonized by his presence in our lives. I am just torn up about the state of things. Everytime something new comes up I go into a state of anxiety and depression that makes it hard to focus on teh family I have here. I have agreed to set up some structured meetings with Will and his AF to try and find some agreeable boundaries and avenues of communications. They are resistant though to the structure and boundaries I am insisting on. The bottom line though is (as amazing as it is to say this) that I'm really not sure that I do want to include Will in our family at this time. I feel angry, betrayed, hurt and also worried for George. I am flabergasted at the "motivated" behavior and lack of responsibility shown by Will and his AF. Thoughts on how to proceed or how to determine if I really want to proceed? Thanks much ..