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Hi...I'm 26 years old and 31 weeks pregnant. I'm feeling really overwhelmed right now. First of all, I didn't find out that I was even pregnant until I was about 23 weeks (I got my period for the first 4 mos.) I am still in college, due to graduate in December 2005. The father is not around- has since moved back to Ireland and I have no way of contacting him. I have been talking to a adoption counselor for the past 6-7weeks and am about to decide on adoptive parents for this child. The reason that I am thinking of adoption is because I am completely alone...my parents are deceased, my siblings live in other states and have their own children, and the father is not here. I know that I will not be able to finish school for at least a couple semesters if not ever. I grew up in a poor household with my parents struggling and not spending that much time with us because they had to work so much to make ends meet. I always promised myself that I would never do that to a child- have children that I could not take care of financially and emotionally. What I am scared about is the hospital and delivery. I am scared about what it's going to be like after I hold this baby. Right now it almost doesn't feel real, but I know that will definately be as real as it gets. Will I regret this? I am so ashamed and disappointed in myself and I don't think that a child should suffer because I was irresponsible. Will I ever be able to be happy again or will I go through the rest of my life depressed because I couldn't raise my child myself? I know that I COULD do it but not the way that it should be - with 2 parents and all its needs met- emotional, financial, physical. Someone please let me know if they have ever been through this, what it was like at the hospital. Thanks
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(((Lola))) I get the scared and nervous.
As for what you ask for, ask for more then you think you will want. Then if you change your mind you are not stuck with less then you want. I know you don't think you will want completely open with visits but I would discuss that and ask them if they would be okay with that if you decided down the road that is what you want. I know women who didn't want visits and after they placed changed their minds but have never gotten to see or hold their babe again because they said they wanted semi open with no visits. Don't "trap" yourself.
Shell
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Hi Shell...Yeah, that's what I told them...that I didn't know what I would want but would want the option of seeing the baby if I changed my mind. They said they were fine with that....the bmother of their son wanted the adoption semi-open with only pics and that's why they have it that way. And in MA, an open adoption agreement is legally binding. They also said that their son knows that he's adopted so that makes me feel better...that they are open about that and will know that I exist. I also told them that I was going to make a scrapbook and they seemed really happy about that. They said the more info that I could provide about myself to the baby, the better for him or her.
Lola,
Can you talk with their son's bparents? I ask that so you can get a more complete picture of their relationship.
I aslo agree that you should plan for more openness than you believe you want and stick to that no matter what others say. That's why I like the suggestion of understanding their 'desired' openness level before you discuss yours. That way you get a sense of their ideal, not what they're willing to 'compromise' on to please you and make the connection.
Hang in there. Remember, you do not have to connect with this family, the next one, the one after that, etc. You owe your SW, counselor, agency, these families, etc. nothing.
Regina
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Hi,
Not to interject anything but I have to add that when a person says "I am willing" versus "I really want" there is a big difference. And later, that big difference becomes blatently apparent. And you can move from 'I'm willing' into "I want' very easily... unfortunately, bps often move from willing into 'i want' openness and aps in situations I've read about and experienced seem to move to 'I want' less openness.
I offer this from experience as you consider all that is ahead of you.
My son's aps wanted openness.
My daughters ap's were willing.
Maia
"Hopefully, I won't get so attached that I forget my reasons for doing this- to give this baby a life that I can't give it right now. That's the part that I'm scared of but the more I read about others' experiences, it seems that the ones that can't move past and feel good about their decisions are the ones that did not have that time with the baby. "
If ( when) you do feel the attachment, and those reasons might waiver..it is OK to call the whole thing off. Seeing the baby or not seeing the baby...if you love children and want to have them someday...hold on..it's gonna hurt like hell..
Because you can do it, but are choosing the "more" option....wait, oh please wait, to sign anything...you really might find that your views chang afterwards...let yourself have that time
As an adoptive mom, I just wanted to post my thoughts because I know that sometimes it is hard to know for one part of the triad to know what the other side is thinking. The other posters are exactly right - when you talk to the adoptive parents, make sure that you tell them the "most" openness you want. That way, they can make sure they are comfortable with that level of openness. If you change your mind and want less openness, it may disappoint them because they may wish they got the chance to know you better, but they will definitely understand.
On the other hand, if you choose more openness after the placement, it can be more difficult. Not because they won't have agreed to that much openness to begin with, but there are so many emotions for you and them that it is harder to discuss when everything is so new to everyone.
Also, when you ask to speak to their son's birthparents, just be aware that that young woman can be in a very different place right now and may not feel comfortable. Our daughter's birthmom said she would love to talk to any mothers considering adoption, but, as a birthmom volunteer, I know others that don't want to be that open with someone they don't know. She might be more comfortable writing a letter or may be very open to discussing it with you. It just depends where she is. It would be great information for you if you can talk to her. But, try not to hold it against them if she isn't ready. Also, if their son's birthmom isn't ready, maybe their son's birthgrandma is. Sometimes the birth grandmas like to be involved and are more comfortable talking.
Anyway, just some thoughts!
Our hearts and prayers are with you. Please keep us posted.
I went to meet with the amother today...(the afather's father passed away a couple days ago so he was out of town.) I have to say that I am so relieved that I met with her! She was great. She just seemed so genuine and kind. We basically just chatted about pretty general stuff at first (school, work, etc.) and then I felt more comfortable asking questions about the adoption. We talked a lot about her adopted son that is now 6 years old, about what she tells him as far as adoption, etc. I have to say I really liked everything that she said. We also talked about open adoption. She actually said that she preferred open rather to closed or semi open. But that I can decide on anything that I want. I really feel like any worries or doubts about the whole thing have completely gone away. I know that this is definately the right decision. So next week I will be meeting with both aparents. We'll see how that goes but if he's anything like the amom I'm sure that I will. And I'm almost done putting together the photo album for the baby. Everything is happening so fast. I'm 33 weeks now so it's anytime after the next couple weeks. Thanks so much for all your advice :) I'll keep you all posted.
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Hello Lola!
I am so happy that you are feeling peace in your decision. I know that must feel like a huge weight removed from you to feel that connection with the amother you were considering. That's exactly how it should be - that's what our daughter's birthmom described when she heard about us - she just knew.
Finding the right parents for your baby has to feel like such a huge decision to make. I know you have been so thoughtful and concerned about what is right for you and your baby. I am so excited that you are starting to feel like you have found your answers.
Praying for you, your baby, and the adoptive parents you are considering -
Lots of love,
McKabe
lola0609
He's 4 years old and they adopted him at birth. Will your son know that you are his bmom? Does he know that he's adopted? Will his aparent tell him that he is adopted? I know that he's still pretty young but what do the aparents say?
As a potential amom dealing with a failed adoption, I read your post to try to see what my bmom must be going thru. Speaking from my point of view, please do not involve an afamily until you know in your heart what you want to do. Our bmom delivered on Wed 10/12, and we've spent the last two days with our new baby girl. We were able to name her, feed her and call the world to annouce her birth only to have our bmom/bdad change their minds (10/14) and decide to take her home. This has devastated everyone involved: us, our 8yr old adopted daughter who came to the hospital wearing her "I'm a Big Sister" tshirt, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins, not to mention all the friends and extended family. If you are even considering keeping this child, please rethink selecting a family until you know for sure.
Best Regards, Beth
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Beth,While I will never dismiss or attempt to diminish the pain that potential adoptive families go through after a failed placement, I believe you are doing all potential birthparents a disservice by advising them to not match with a family until a decision is final. That's simply not the best way to go about it for either side. Potential birthparents, or, as they should really be referred to, expectant parents considering placement should be encouraged to fully examine all opportunities for their unborn child. This includes all parenting options as well as all adoption options. If you were to tell an expectant Mother considering placement that she could research adoption but couldn't meet any families until she had birthed the child and signed the papers, what good would that do for her or her child? At that point, if the expectant Mother considering placement chooses adoption, time is wasted in finding a forever family for that child.Your pain is real. No one will deny you that. No one COULD deny you that. And no one should WANT to deny you that. However, no one should deny (or want to deny) an expectant couple/woman from attempting to make the best (and hardest) decision for their child. By limiting what they "should" do in order to make sure that others are happy, they are being limited in what they can provide for their child... which is usually a reason for placement: not wanting to limit their child's life opportunities. Please consider the reasoning of matching with a family before you limit the lives and rights of others.
Beth,
I'm sorry for the pain you're feeling.
Adoption, imho, is risk on both sides. when we matched with dd's bmom (at that point just a woman who was expecting at any moment), we knew the risks. When we brought dd to our hotel room from the hospital, we had to sign a paper that was about legal risk- and I had to keep telling myself that this was not my child, that I was babysitting for her mom until her mom made up her mind. It was hard not to bond with dd immediately, and some part of my heart attached with her right then. It was, however, her mom's decision whether to place and she had time before she had to sign. It would have hurt had her mom decided to parent, but that was her right. she has the right to take her time, to make a decision she can live with, to explore her options one last time before possibly signing. Even if a pbmom is certain about placing, that decision is made over and over until she is parenting or signing.
I can feel your pain, but no pbfamily can really be certain before that moment of signing. The woman you matched with may have been absolutely certain, but then there's that moment of signing and all things change.
what's interesting about the adoption process is that after a child is placed with aparents and finalization occurs, our risk is over and birthparents now shoulder the risk. They hope that we'll keep our promises, that they've done the right thing, that their child will have the life they've hoped, etc.
I hope you and your family find the peace and closure that you're looking for.