Help me help my daughter - Please!

Carol, There are so many ways you can be supportive and helpful to your daughter without lending her money. :) You said that she seems "stuck", and no wonder! She's probably paralyzed with fear and has no idea what to do next; it's just easier, or at least it was for me, to ignore your blossoming belly and pretend that it will "all go away" sometimes. One thing you can do is talk to her, ask her about how she feels about her choices ahead. Keep asking if she doesn't answer the first time. Does she want to parent at all? If so, you can talk to her about how she will need to plan to accomplish this. Help her find the resources she can use to help her parent, like parenting classes (most county health departments offer these for free), Medicaid, WIC, and welfare. You can help her contact the DA's office regarding enforcing support from the father. Throw her a baby shower! It can be small, and it doesn't have to be expensive. If she is considering adoption, you can assist her in talking to agencies and trying to find the best one to help her, not just potential adoptive parents. You can look through profiles with her, if she's comfortable with that. You can discuss types of adoption and how being a birthmom might make her feel in a year, in 5 years, once she's ready to have another child. You can come up with questions for her to ask potential families that she might want to meet. Discuss what she's looking for, what's important to her, in the relationship that will be formed with a possible adoptive placement. Remind her, over and over, that she does not have to place, she does not owe anyone, except for her baby, anything. Do urge her to be honest and make any decision carefully. That she can change her mind and you will support her decision 100% either way. Be available to talk after placement, if that's what she chooses. Support her finding a good, unbiased counselor. Let her talk about the baby, and talk about the adoption with her. You will be grieving too, but don't shut her off because it's hard to talk about. Either way, go to childbirth classes with her. Talk about labor and delivery. Sign up for a hospital tour together. Take lots of pictures while she's pregnant and at the hospital! I know you mentioned that your husband is being less than supportive. Please, for your daughter's and your unborn grandchild's sake, don't be afraid to stand up to him a little. It doesn't have to be a big blow out. Calmly, matter-of-factly say, "I know you're not happy about this situation, and I'm trying to be understanding of your feelings. But this is my daughter, your stepdaughter, and this is how things are. She's planning on doing X,Y, and Z right now and I'm going to help her as much as I can. I hope you'll be able to do the same, but if you can't, then I'm asking you to at least be kind to her for my sake." Could that work? In short, just being there and encouraging her will be the best gift you can give right now. I wish you the best, as well as the best for your daughter and the baby on the way.

Thanks so much for the responses. You have told me what I need to know and I appreciate your insight. I will make an appointment with a family counselor for my husband and myself. He really will have to understand that I will not abondon my daughter.I have just written what I hope is a supportive letter to my daughter letting her know,again,that I will be there for her in all the ways that I possibly can,in any decision she makes,and asking her to consider seeing an independent couselor (as in one not without an agenda.)Thanks again for your understanding of my child's situation and sharing your ideas on how I can truly be there for her.Carol

Carol, it warms my heart to see you posting hear, and to read your posts. You really want to do everything to help her make HER choice, and that, IMO, is like a breath of fresh air. I won't go into my situation too much, but I'm a birthmom who was pressured to relinquish by my family and my agency. I wanted to parent, I reached out for help to my family, and they turned their backs on me. Here is what I would have appreciated more than anything. I have very resourceful parents. If one of them had guided or helped me in exploring parenting resources with the same energy they pursued adoption, my choice would have truely felt like MY CHOICE. Helping her find information about all options would be great, IMO. Right now her world is upside-down. She's pregnant, for one thing, for another thing the father of the baby has turned away. No wonder she feels lost. You can help her feel less lost by finding some concrete information about every choice for her. When she sees that you will stand by her whatever her choice, she may feel stronger and ready to tackle her life as she knows it now. Cheers to you, I think you're a great mom. :)

Carol, It's so good to hear that you're supporting your daughter during her pregnancy! Though this is obviously difficult for your family, you're truly coming through for her, and I just think that's such a great start for the future for ALL of you. :) I have to second what LeeAnn said: you're a great mom!

When I was pregnant my mom just stepped back and let me know whatever decsion I made was completely up to me. She was also very honest that she would not be able to help. Working 2 full time jobs and barely supporting herself, she could never have helped me. I did decide to place and I am 100% at peace with that decsion BECAUSE it was mine and no one elses. I was never once pressured to place or to keep my daughter.

[font=Times New Roman]Carol,[/font] [font=Times New Roman]My husband and I have our 22-year old daughter and her 3-month old son living with us, and we are blissfully happy. The father is unavailableӔ. We know others in the same situation who are miserable. We can only advise based on our experience.[/font] [font=Times New Roman]The best you can do now is to tell your daughter that you love her unconditionally ֖ and then help her understand the realities of parenting vs adoption. Tell her that, regardless of her decision, she will love her child and will be a mother forever. Dont let anyone soft-sell the hardship of raising a child alone or the very intense pain she will feel if she separates from her child. A lot of people will offer advice Җ most of it will not be in her interest. You are the only one who is in the position to be truthful with her.[/font] [font=Times New Roman]Do you see your daughter as a nurturing mother? Then help her to find resources (social services, family members) to keep her baby. Beware of her friends who offer to help few will come through. My gut instinct was that my daughter would love her son and would never be able to part with him. We advised her to not consider adoption until after he was born and she had tried parenting. We just could not put a potential adoptive family through the pain of bonding and then loss. As is was, she fell in love with her son immediately and made it clear that she would fight anyone who tried to ֓take him away from her. At the same time, we made it clear to her that was our job to help her but that her son was her responsibility. We help if asked (and sometimes say no) and donԒt do nights unless she is sick. I planned to take 2 weeks off work but only needed 2 days she did great. Okay ֖ hes a good baby Җ not all are.[/font] [font=Times New Roman]Does your daughter understand the realities of adoption? My daughter had an adoption fantasy where she would find a wonderful couple to be caretakers for her baby and she would drop by weekly for lunch to be Mom. We had to explain that an open adoption probably would come down to a few pictures a few times a year. Im not saying that is wrong! Just that a lot of young girls believe all of the romanticized crap that they see on TV about adoption and do not understand that the reality is that once they sign the papers, they have no legal access to their child.[/font] [font=Times New Roman]Recognize that your daughter is vulnerable and try to protect her. Once our daughter decided to try to parent we were very careful about pressures from outsiders. We screened our daughterҒs medical practice to assure that they did not consider themselves amateur baby brokers and warned her to be careful of the hospital social workers. Had she decided to choose adoption, we would have been equally protective of people who derided her for that decision.[/font] [font=Times New Roman]Do not let anyone label your daughter as an un-wed or single mother. She is a mother period. There is no moral edge to adoption for her child ֖ adoptive parents divorce too and end up as single parents. Also, do not let anyone label your daughter a birthmotherӔ if she has an inclination to parent. She is a mother until she signs the papers. Frankly, when we were researching adoption, my daughter felt that the Dear BirthmotherӔ letters were repulsive in their presumption and refused to read any that addressed her in that way.[/font] [font=Times New Roman]We have family members who chose adoption, are adoptive parents, are adoptees, and decided to raise their children. Those who faired best seemed to understand the realities and got help dealing with them.[/font] [font=Times New Roman]Believe me the numbness wears off and you will be able guide your daughter through her decision. I suspected for 2 months that my daughter was pregnant before she admitted it to me. It was such a relief to finally be able to hold her and tell that I love her and would be there to help her decide what was best for her. Her dad was a little ֓behind the curve but came through in the end.[/font] [font=Times New Roman]With our prayers,[/font] [font=Times New Roman]Happy GԒma[/font]

I have spent a lot of time cruising this site since I found it a couple of days ago. There are some wonderful people posting here with their experiences in this highly emotional issue. I have read how some people have made open adoption work well for all involved. (I simple could not handle having my grandchild believe he\she was abondoned like clothes that did not fit.) There are mothers who deal with very difficult circumstances to provide a loving home for their babies. What I have had confirmed is really very simple. I can help my daughter investigate all the options. I can wrap her up in my love while she struggles with this decision. I can support her and love her unconditionally with the decision she makes. I am grateful to have found you people!Carol

Carol, One more thing from Happy G'Ma. Please do not worry about your daughter's denial. It is normal. She can't face reality because she is heartbroken that she has disappointed you. Also, consider her choices, parenting and adoption - both painful for her. Reality is not a comfortable place for her right now. I helped my daughter come to grips with her pregnacy by running out and buying a 3-pack of infant t-shirts. I put it in her hands and told her how honored I was to be the g'ma of her baby. Big, big hugs, Happy G'Ma

Happy gma Did you have any experiance on adoption, are you a birth mom...because if you did this all on intuition ..I am impressed. You nailed every point and had none of the misguied attitudes that poeple have..those that are not invoved in adoption that is. Donna

Dear Donna, You are so sweet to ask but I am not a birth mom. Can you share your experience with adoption? Gosh, I wish I were wise enough to be guided by intuition alone. I am close to a birth mom who had to give up her son to adoption due to lack of family support in the sad, dark days of closed adoption. When the phone rang in the middle of the night for years, I was sure that it was sad news about her. I am also close to a couple who adoped due to infertility after some painful adoption failures. So I have seen anguish on both sides. I had no experience with open adoption so was guided by intuition when trying to help my daughter navigate that option. I got "bad vibes" from our initial inquiries and felt that my daughter was being railroaded. So we decided to slow down, not make any early decisions, and give her time to bond with her son. The statistics on open adoptions that close was really, really scary for us. As a family, we decided that we could not take the risk of being legally denied contact with our baby. We got our most honest support and best advice from 3 of my colleagues who are mothers who do not have support from the fathers of their beautiful children. These special ladies will be our guests of honor at our grandson's first birthday. So far our decision is the right one for us. We have never been happier. But we ARE wise enough to know that it is not right for everyone. Hugs to you -- Happy G'ma

Happygmom - Your daughter's situation sounds a lot like mine. I'm 24 and I'm due mid November (hard to tell from my name right? haha)Anyway I waited until after I was 5 months along to tell my family but my mother suspected a little bit. Until I told them I was thinking I was going to have to do everything alone and that I just wouldn't have the strength. At that point I was strongly considering the adoption choice and started to read a lot of postings on here. SO many people have the advice to parent if possible. I wrote a posting on here and the responses gave me the strength to finally tell my family and get the support I needed. Everyone in my family was excited actually but they told me they would support my decision either way. I met with a pregnancy counselor and an adoptions counselor just to hear a little of both sides. I feel ready to make the decision to keep my little girl now! I know it's going to be the hardest thing ever ever had to face but the happiest too!Do you have any advice for another mom (who happens to be single rather than a "single mom" haha)? I'll pray for you, your daughter and grandson!

[font=Verdana]Dear LauradueNov - Mom to be who happens to be single (I get it! Haha),[/font] [font=Verdana]Congratulations on expecting a daughter! I hope to have a granddaughter some day. Oh my gosh, the clothes for girls!! Makes me drool. I'm so happy that your family wants to help you. Just wait until they hold that baby girl![/font] [font=Verdana]I searched everywhere for guidance on how to approach our situation but found nothing on these boards. <Anyone out there know of boards for grandparents helping their kids with raising grandchildren?? Trying to establish paternity with an uncooperative father and a non-responsive social services system?>[/font] [font=Verdana]Advice I am full of it (advice that is).[/font] [font=Verdana]I talked to some WONDERFUL Moms who are raising their beautiful children alone and asked for and received some great advice. They all credited their parents for help in the early months. My husband and I relied on common sense for the rest. Ask your friends what they did. My daughter also got on the WEB to look for hints and talked to a young cousin who has a baby.[/font] [font=Verdana]If it is comfortable for you, ask your parents to help you review your financial situation. Save every penny that you can between now and the birth of your little girl. Ask for help if you need it. (We֒ve been told to be careful with social services that some states try to take children away from bio parents for adoption with little justification. I have no idea how true that is.) Our daughter is still in college but working part time. We agreed that she and her son need to live with us until she finishes college. We also agreed that it is her responsibility to buy diapers, formula, baby furniture, and clothing. She bought a new car seat for safety reasons. She borrowed a crib and changing table. Everything else came from baby showers and gifts. We have been overwhelmed with gifts! My friends gave me a Grandma shower where they all brought little gifts and gave $$s to start a college fund for the baby. We also gave our daughter a loan to pay off credit card debt and had her cancel ALL of her credit cards. She is working with a local bank to establish a good credit rating with them and started a 401K account. She divided her money between an emergency savings account and a diaper and formula fund to last until she could go back to work. She realized that she was spending a lot of money on going out and JUNK. Health insurance has been the big financial hit. We are looking for an HMO that she can eventually afford on her own.[/font] [font=Verdana]Be clear with your parents about how you want to handle help with baby care. Our agreement was that we would not give advice or offer help unless asked. It was hard to watch her struggle at times, but she worked out a lot of early baby problems on her own and is very much in charge now. She picked out her pediatrician and handles all of well-care on her own. Regardless of circumstances, EVERY parent needs to figure out what works for their baby. After the first week, nights were her duty. On weekday mornings, when hubby and I need to go to work, we try to juggle baby, breakfast, and getting ready for work so she can get an extra hour or so of rest. For the first few weeks, we also left her a breakfast set-up and made a lunch that she could get together quickly. On weekends, we get our grandson all to ourselves in the mornings so she can go back to bed to catch up on sleep. All in all ֖ we have maintained an agreement that works well. She went back to work part-time on weekends after 2 months. Now that the baby is getting on a schedule, we have offered to give her a night a month away from the baby. Last night was the first one. She stayed with our sons fiancҩ and had a girls night with friends and a good nightҒs sleep.[/font] [font=Verdana]Our daughter was afraid that she would not love her son. Know that EVERY first-time parent feels that way. I did when I was expecting my son (my first)! My daughters wonderful medical practice, family, and friends reassured her that she would fall in love immediately. I was there for my grandsonҒs birth. After he was born, she burst into tears and said over and over again ֓I love him. Mommie you were right. I love him so much.֔ Heres a secret Җ I did not know if I would love my grandson. We were almost empty nesters and the next thing we knew, our house was full of baby stuff again, and I was anxiously looking ahead to needing to provide support with baby care. But, at his birth, I fell in love too. Truthfully, there have been times when I wanted to be doing something else. But when I see the pride in my daughters eyes when she is the only one who can calm him and when I get one of his big, gummy smiles, I know we are doing the right thing.[/font] [font=Verdana]It has not been perfect and is not right for every family, bur our daughter is a wonderful, competent, and independent Mom, and we canҒt imagine life without this little guy. Prayers are very much appreciated. [/font] [font=Verdana]With our prayers and very best wishes,[/font] [font=Verdana]Happy GMa[/font]

You've gotten a lot of great advice here. As I read your post I was reminded of the meetings DH and I had with the family of our failed placement and how I wish I had read things better then. One of the things that grandmother said was "if only this were in a couple years and not now". It was after the baby was born they all realized that time advances quickly, and her parents said yes, they would help during the early months and/or years. They missed out on months of getting ready and celebrating ,and this young women went through..(a very hot place with a devil). Your daughter will not always be 18. As ilovepretzels said, she will get older, fall in love, and marry. She has the potential to be a great Mom as she clearly has a good role model. I would only recommend you let your daughter know exactly how you'll support her either way. If she had a baby today, would you really really turn her away? If the answer is no, make sure she knows that, and celebrate accordingly. If the answer is yes, she needs to know that, too. As everyone else has said, it is her decision, but she is still your child and will look to you for guidence. good luck, God Bless.

Carol. I am Terrie an adoptive mom as well as a grandma to 3, Our daughter had our first grandchild at age 18, we did all we could to support her rights to make her own choices since this was and is her child. We did let her know what her options were at at some point if need be you may need to help your daughter realize what goes with those options. Or if she decides she is going to parent then what all is needed to take care of a child. She will need to start preparing for those needs prior to birth of her5 child and their are some great resources available to her such as your local crisis pregnancy center can help with things like a crib and community resources for her to care for and help her child grow and thrive she may want to take a parenting course if she does decide to parent etc. Just be there for her she will need you so very much these next few months. Take care and hang in there. Best wishes Terrie mom to 4, grandma to 3

Hi Carol, Just thinking of you and wondering how things are going for you and your daughter? Please post an update when and if you are comfortable doing so. Wishing you all the best, Ellie