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What if birthmom never finds comfort or peace or acceptance in her choice to place her child for adoption? How do you maintain a fully open relationship?
What if you see it negatively affecting your child....during and after each phone call or visit because of the way they react to birthfamilies emotions? What if it really affects the adoptive family as they offer everything to the birthfamily to help them heal and accept the change but after almost a year nothing seems to make a difference, and in some ways things just keep getting worse?
I have found that our open adoption is so much different than others...because our child was adopted through fostercare....where bmom never wanted her child to be adopted or in another home in the first place. But circumstances being what they were, eventually choose to sign over her rights....before she lost them and before her new baby was taken into custody.
How do you work through these issues? How can everyone have a healthy relationship when there is so much underlying anger and sadness and feelings of loss or like her child was stolen from her. When bmom isn't ready to let go of her child and allow the adoptive family to be the parents and respect their parenting choices. When she isn't able to show happiness for her adoption and or really allow the child to be happy and proud of the new changes in her life. When her comments show her dissapproval or dissapointment.
Has anyone been in a situation like this? How do you work through it....so the relationship can be beneficial for the child?
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Hi! I tried to pm you, but it wasn't an option?! Anyway, you may want to go back and read some of my posts. We are in a similar situation except that the bmom chose to place and never wanted to parent (even later), but still caused our family a lot of grief. We finally left the ball in her court and let her know that if there were to be any more visits or phone calls it would have to be in the presence of a counselor because it was hurting ALL of us, most importantly, our daughter. She refused and said we would never see her again if that was the case, and we haven't. If you want to chat, sent me a private message.
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I've known birth moms that have chose the new parents and I've known birth moms that have had their rights relinquished. The birth mom that had her rights relinquished did and caused some really horrible things to her kids. REALLY bad, but she still could not for the life of her understand why the state won't give her a 6th chance to raise her kids. This time will be different because she has a different boyfriend and a goes to church. She just felt so sure the state was making a huge mistake by not giving her more chances. Your little ones bmom is probably 100% sure a HUGE mistake has been made. She sounds like she's not even to the grieving stage yet and could be stuck in deniel that your daughter is your daughter. You may have to pull back the contact for a year or more. Limit it to your sending five pictures and an update every other month and a plan to meet in November or January for a mini-holiday and around your daughters birthday. It's hard to write this, but your little ones bmom needs to become somewhat unfamiliar with your daughter. She can't maintain the role she had before and new boundaries have to be established for her to recognize the change. Wouldn't we all just be such a mess if we lost our kids?! I could never show happiness at seeing my sons with a new mommy if I fully believed I should still be the one and only mom. If I fully thought a mistake had been made I'd be much worse then dissapproving comments! I know a lot of people believe more contact is needed to help through the grief but I've been on the bmom side and have seen bmoms have to move on with their lives and accept the situation as unchangable once the contact was minimized. It doesn't mean forever it just means for right now. I hope you, the bmom and your little one find peace.
humm, from a b-mom perspective i can relate. A year in my opinion is not much healing time at all. I felt very forced and torn when my placment first happened. B/c I got pregnant when i was only 16 I did not have much of a choice in keeping my baby. As far as crying goes i think it took me about four years to not break down when it came time to say goodbye at a visit. After six years I am dealing with it much better, and now can see all the positive sides to the adoption. Everyone heals at at different pace. She needs to respect your roll as the new mother but as far as grief goes give her time and she will find peace.
As a birthmother...
I don't think any of us ever fully recover from placing a child-no matter the circumstance surrounding it.
Personally, the grief has been difficult to bear and it has taken all that I have to be proper during visits. Some days are easier than others, but it has been (and will continue to be) a long road.
The APs and I were involved in very intense joint and individual counseling sessions before and after the placement for various issues and "well checks." I think that was the best thing we could have done for ourselves and our daughter. We accomplished a lot during those meetings with a counselor...and lots of things that I didn't even know were issues came out through me and them.
Because of those sessions I have learned how to entitle the APs, act appropriately around them and save my grief for a time when it will not be a hindrance to the relationship. They have learned what not to say around a grieving birthmother (such as "when you become a mom...." and "we're still paying off that huge bill from the agency! What a pain!") and how they can act around me too...
In the beginning it was sort of like a dance...where everyone had to intentionally step in the right spot ant the right time whether they wanted to or not...and then it became like a second nature, but that took forever and there are still days here and there when we forget how to dance.
What you say to a birthmother can affect her deeply...and you may never know it beyond the grief that you already see in her. For instance, when the APs would talk to me about the agency's bill and how big it was I was infuriated and devestated...I had paid the ultimate price for my daughter and they were griping about a few measley dollars that I gladly would work a lifetime for just to spend one more day with her...
They had no idea comments like that had such an effect on me until I told them at a counseling session...and they were such little comments, but they contributed a lot to the attitude I had towards them at the time.
It was when my daughter's APs began to be affirming and entitling towards me (like I had always been for them) that the relationship really took off...kindness begat kindness and love begat love...
Anyway, I was chasing a rabbit. The single most helpful thing I have found was counseling- and it helps tremendously!
ALI143
You may have to pull back the contact for a year or more. Limit it to your sending five pictures and an update every other month and a plan to meet in November or January for a mini-holiday and around your daughters birthday. It's hard to write this, but your little ones bmom needs to become somewhat unfamiliar with your daughter.
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