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I'm a thirty year old woman who found out 9 weeks ago I am pregnant. My situation is pretty crazy. I was married for nine years to an abusive man, I stayed because I could not support myself and my daughter financially, so I vowed I would go to school and leave once my degree was in hand, or stay if he fixed his head, which ever came first. To put it in a nutshell I finally left and began a life anew alone with my 8 year old. I was on depro provera at the end of my marriage and came off it because I was no longer sexually active. I went to my doctor several times because my menstruation had not returned. My doctor (who was an obgyn for ten years) gave me pap smears and urine tests over a period of five months, and repeatedly told me I was NOT pregnant. He sent me to a specialist for concern that perhaps I had ovarian cysts. It was at the ultra sound that I was informed I was 29 weeks along! I was absolutely shocked and horrified. I had to have concieved right as I got off depo and had an interlude with my ex over christmas when my daughter was begging us to try and repair our family. I did not want any more children. In fact, I was planning on getting a tubal. I can not financially afford another child. I doubt my ability to psychologically handle one, plus I was looking foward to having "me" time in ten years, after 9 years of a crappy marriage. I could've had a late term abortion being that I am pro-choice. But the fact that I was so far along ruled out the option for me. It was simply too late, the fetus is a sentient being, aware and moving. For me, after a fetus has a cerebral cortex (painsensory), I could not ethically abort. So in a panic I called a bunch of organizations which advertized aid in crisis pregnancies. All I found was theological sermons as to the "evils" of abortions and told to call my state agency for aid. I was informed that I should contact Bethany Church Services because they handed out used cribs, sacks of clothes, counciling, referals for support, etc. I called them and told the woman about my situation. Instead of going over a list of what aid was available I was again given a theological sermon concerning abortion and the values of adoption. When I stated that I was not interested in adoption, that if I would go through with the pregnancy I would keep the child, the sermon was compounded. I was told:- I "owe it" to my child to give it the best financial start in life. - There are many "two-parent" families who were "better suited to raise" my child.- By giving my child away I could "move on with my life" and "secure financial security for my older child". I protested to the woman that I was not an 18 year old girl. I would not just move on with my life if I gave my son away. That I would search every face and would be haunted. That I could not seperate my children from one another. I stated that my daughter adjusted to life without two parents, because I was strong enough to play the role of both mother and father. I agreed that I was financially disadvantaged with two children, and that is precisely why I called, because they advertized aid. With this she cut me short, stating they no longer gave such aid and merely were interested in setting up adoptions. I was awe struck at her brevity and lack of compassion. It was if her interest was in the opportunity to have my fetus as a commodity and not in helping a mother and child to stay together. I was made to feel like a selfish woman for negating her request of turning over my child to herorganization. Absolutely disgusted, I hung up the phone. That should have been the end of it, right? WRONG! Instead, I keep getting phone calls to my home asking if I have decided to "do the right thing yet?" I keep getting letters addressed "dear birth mom", letters which feature potential adoptive parents and how they could "provide better" than I. The audacity of this organization! The child is still in me, I stated I will raise it, and yet they send me letters titled "dear birth mother"? They actively try to guilt me by parading faces of infertile couples in front of me; by reminding me of my lack of earning capacity in comparison to others. Via their letter campaigns they are implying that I am less deserving of my natural right to my son over those who have more money or security! Ahhh... what a tirade I am, sorry! The point is this: I think its simply disgusting that I live in a society where there seems to be more aid invested in separating mothers from their children then there is in aiding families to stay together. I find it abhorant that I get no kickbacks from the state for raising my natural child, while adoptive parents get tax credit in addition to the EIC I don't even qualify for. I find it morally reprehensible that I am made to feel ashamed for being a single mother in poverty and hence am told I am selfish to claim right to that which by nature was given to me. Because I am a thirty year old woman who can protect herself from predators I can tell Bethany Church Services and the other solicitors to shove it. But it has me wondering about the young girl with no measure of self protection yet. And so I started to look into the stories of birth mothers and adoption ploys. The more I look into the methods by which women surrender their children the more sickened I am by the whole process. My sister was infertile for ten years and I was sensitive to the issues, but the more I step back from the situation the more problems I see. My sister was childless because she chose to be. She could have been a foster parent, taken a minority or handicapped child, she could have went to IVF treatments. She instead wanted a white, healthy, newborn, straight out of the womb with no strings attached. Her desire to adopt was about filling her void, not about providing a loving home for a disadvantaged child. She would cry many times that life was so unfair that her impoverished and screwed up younger sister could have a child where she was denied despite having a solid marriage and good income. I always looked over these comments because I knew she needed to grieve. I took her hurtful comments because I wanted so much to sympathize with my sister. Unfortunately, now that I am getting guilt trip letters constantly from perspective families, I am seeing this is a common sentiment among them. I am sad for them that they can not concieve, but I am also abhored that they think they have a right to rip my child from my arms simply because they have more opportunity than I. Where is the compassion of society that we have a 1.4 billion dollar adoption industry instead of 1.4 billion dollars invested in aid for impoverished families? Why are the adoption statistics concerning closing, abuse and psychological trauma not openly talked about? I'm outraged at society... A society where mothers are not considered workers, where women are punished for being poor, where people who have more money think they have a right to the children of the less successful, and where everyone sits in apathetic silence concerning the families torn apart by coercion and guilt. I'm angry and need to scream that I even considered having to give up my child because there is such little aid out there for women like me. :::steps off of soap box:::
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