Limit Setting

What I've read in adoption books is that timeouts are too emotionally difficult for older children (unless they have attachment disorder in which case I've read they are counterproductive). I have only had children in the 7-9 yr range. For the first couple months I didn't do any timeouts. After they were more comfortable I did 30 second timeouts where they needed to go in their room and count to 30 outloud. I figured that gave them something to do and some control over how fast it would be over. I've read that 'time-ins' are better, but I haven't tried that because usually the kids were so clingy I couldn't bear any more closeness! Another thing that worked well for me, is a phrase I got from a Love & Logic (by Cline & Fay) audio tape. It is to say 'Just because I love you does that mean I have to put up with <whatever they are doing>?'. I think it works because the child doesn't feel bad/rejected. My daughter used to get real snippy if I asked her to do anything that implied any criticism (like pick up her wet towel), but after I started the 'just because i love you' preface she would respond very well.

I would be careful about putting them in time out where they cannot see you. if you do want to use timeouts, put them in a corner of the room, or in a chair where they can see you. That may help a lot with the tantrums. Then tell then the time out is X minutes from when they are sitting quietly. Kay

I admit to utter ignorance about attachment disorder but offer my experience with my 2 children (bio). I found that they were at opposite ends of the scale with timeouts. They worked great with my son but were useless with my daughter. For her, the reason for the timout was completely lost in her feelings of isolation. I had friends who had the same experience with some of their children. What seemed to work best in these cases was sitting on the stairway with her (our timeout location) with my arms (and sometimes legs) wrapped around her whispering over and over "I love you with all of my heart. But ______ is not acceptable." It sure didn't give me a break but was a lot better than dealing with tantrums. Good luck and bless you for loving these babies. Happy G'Ma

I agree with Kay. I wouldn't advise time-outs out of site. My son was nearly 3 when adopted from Eastern Europe. I didn't try time-ins, but sometimes I think that I should have. Once my son understood what was actually going on (language barrier), tantrum were to be held in his room ONLY. If wanted to have a tantrum, he could - in his room. I sat in a chair outside his room, the door was ajar enough for him to know I was there. I would ask him every minute or so if he was done. He would sometimes say no and close the door a little. He knew he was out of control and needed to scream, jump, whatever. But, I explained he was safe in his room. And he soon realized that. That is why he could have a tantrum in his room. Another thing I did was alot of holding. He didn't always like it, but I held him. I held him and rocked for a little bit a couple times aday. You need to be close to them. They need to trust you. I would suggest only disciplining unsafe behaviors for a couple months, until they trust you. Trust is the most important thing in bonding. Do everything you can to build their trust. They've probably not had anyone in their lives to trust. Everything else comes with the trust.