Furious about B father contact...

Acrowell, How is your son?? And are you doing ok with this now that is has been a few days. Just thinking about you. Hope everything has settled down slightly, I know this is a big deal, hugs and prayers coming your way, andi

Your son may or may not care, you know your son, but you also know it's the nature of the age to give an answer like this. It's funny, my child is only two but I can already see my babe trying to protect me or sooth me (centered around a recent loss in our family). I think kids just do that, we do it into adulthood and beyond. I wouldn't be surprised if you don't hear from his biological father (I'm not trying to knock the guy), he may be taken aback that the meeting happened too, given how it happened, and he may realize he started the ball rolling when he wasn't really ready either. All the best with this, I hope everyone has time to develop positive relationships centered around your son's needs.

Sugar my kids did the same thing when my dad died. especially my oldest daughtor. They are so sweet, she gave me so much comfort and strength through that loss. I have been thinking the same thing about the bfather. I am hoping he doesn't just dissapear. He has opened this up and to leave would put damage where it would have never been IMO,, does that make sense. I mean this boy may not care now, or cared before, but how confusing for a kid at this age. If there were no abandonment issues prior, this would possibly give reason for some to develope, and it is possible that this child may not feel that way. But some kids it would. I know with me it would have. My attitude was they gave me up, so whatever. I wasn't hurt or upset just very indifferent. I had my real parents and i didn't care. I was though very emotionally hurting inside as a teen,, and making alot of trouble.. We adoptees are very different. You do this to a kid who has not had a good placement abused, or a kid that has always longed to know his bioparents it could be really bad. What guarantee does a bio parent have that this is not the case with their biochild, they could potentually cause much damage by taking the chance of coming into a kids life. What if he has good intentions, then later decides to fade slowly away or flake out, then where is the kid that might have allowed a relationship with this guy. Just more scenarios to consider, andi

As a bmother, it seems to me that I see in your son what I hope I would find in my own bson - consideration for and attachment to his aparents. (In fact, I would want to drop the "a". You are his parents.) Even if my bson choses to contact me and we form a great relationship, I will never be his mother in the way his amother is. I would hope that knowing me would enrich his life but not that I could ever take his amothers place. I'm glad that this forum has been a safe place for you to vent. I wonder though if your son doesn't feel your anger even if you don't verbalize it in from of him. Do you know the use of "I" messages? (Such as, I am really angry that your birth father chose this way to approach you.) Try to assure him that your anger is not for him but for the situation. Hang in there! My mother used to say that she really enjoyed her children when we were teenagers. My siblings and I would look at each other and wonder what teenagers she was talking about! I found my children's teen years to be very difficult. I didn't enjoy the constant pushing at boundaries (usually just to see if I meant what I said). That said, my children are great adults and I enjoy watching them mature into ther late 20's. I suspect your son is going to continue to be a young man to be proud of! May God bless you and give you wisdom to deal with this situation in the healthiest way. Kathy

Hi CAmama, I hope everything is going well for you guys. I have a teenager also. We have contact with both his birth dad and birth mom. He doesn't really care either way either. They mostly keep up the contact with me. He likes knowing them and knowing that they care though. But your son is right, he has parents and everyone else is a bonus. Best Wishes.

Hello, well, my son is on the way, getting to know his birth father and family. So far, we are getting a very strong message that b father's wife, while having the best intentions, tends to sort of "bulldoze" ahead in her wish to have our son part of their family of five children, two of which are my son's bio sibs. My son is also giving us a strong message that he does NOT want or intend to be pushed by them. Somehow, I believe he's gotten the feeling that we, his parents, are pushing a bit more than he's comfortable with, i.e., b father gave us a picture of the family. I offered my son to hang it on our photo wall with the rest of our family/good friend pictures, and he tossed it on a counter and walked away with a strong "no." He then went on to tell me that this was no big deal, no more than meeting a new aunt or uncle. Okay, fine by us. Then, when I told my son that his b father and his wife would be meeting us for dinner next week, without listening to the rest of my sentence, totally freaked and told me that he was NOT comfortable with us all getting together (so far, he has gone to their home a couple of times by himself and/or with a friend). He said that all of us getting together was "awkward" and pushing him "WAY too fast" and, maybe EVENTUALLY, he'd be comfortable with us being "one happy family." In fact, we had no intention of our son being included in the dinner plan as we want to talk a bit more as the adults. I'm feeling a bit confused here. The contact with his b father and family, although NOT initiated by him, is something he says he wants to pursue, although "very slowly." It seems that he's fine occasionally meeting with them with a friend in two, but he in NO way wants us all together. Does anyone have any idea what this might mean. As I have said before, this is something we did NOT want at this time in any of our lives and would have preferred that HE rather than THEY initiated contact. However, it's too late for that now, so we have taken the stance that we will embrace this new relationship in any way we can, as long as HE is okay with it. I don't believe offering to hang a picture or even all get together for dinner is "pushing" him, but he seems to think so. Any ideas?

Dear CAmama, I have an idea. Pat yourself on the back and raise a toast to yourself for raising a NORMAL 16 year-old. At that age they all feel like any wonderful ideas that we have is "pushing". Look at what you wrote, "My son is also giving us a strong message that he does NOT want or intend to be pushed by them." Imagine - having to deal with all of that "pushing" from adults day in and day out (LOL). Aren't teenagers "fun"!? Sounds to me like he is one lucky kid to have you. Just listen with your heart, and you will be fine. HUGS! Happy G'Ma

as an adoptee...I have a good idea that he wants to control this and not anyone else...as it should be. Don't push any feelings on him whether good or bad. He is capable(although a bit harder for a 16 year ole..whether male or female) of figuring out what he wants. Not what everybody else wants. Eventually he may come to a point where he is comfortable with the "bifg happy family" thing. But not now. He does not consider them family yet...and why should he? It is vwery confusing when someone is told what they should or should feel...let him decide. Nobody else...including birthfather...his wife or anybody...it only serves to confuse him more and put a negitive spin on any reunion....HE is the one most affected by this. All the parents need to understand...I was a 29 year old female and felt pushed...I was setteled in my life...had a career and 2 children and I felt pushed by birth family...I pushed away...

I really agree with Denpen about the pulling away issue. When we feel pressured in any way most people do pull away. Especially kids IMO. Or I do pull away from situations that I feel I have no control. I am a total control freek!! It can be a real pain in the butt. If the bdads wife is really pushing then maybe most of the problem lies there,,if he feels that you are following along he must be really feeling the pressure. I am not saying that you are pushing him, but he is a teenager, and what ever we (parents) do in reality they will blow up to be much bigger. Something else that maybe might be going on is that YES this is going way faster then he would like.. What you are discribing to me,, is that he wants everyone to just back off. I as an adoptee think that is how I would feel, if it were me. Please don't take me wrong I think you are an awesome MOM. I am not trying to point fingers, and Ihope I haven't hurt your feelings. If I were you I would leave it to him to bring it up, I know how hard it is to want to understand and it must be frusterating. There is that control thing for me, I would be really having a hard time with this if I were you. It is hard enough to raise a teenager without letting this into the picture. If you have told him that you are not threatened by them and that you love him and he does not have to worry about your feelings then I think for now that is enough.. I promise if you back off he will come to you when he needs you and he will need you. He will come if he doesn't feel pressured. Speak for myself huh!!! I think the dinner is fine, you do need to know what their intentions are, mabye it would be a good time to discuss some boundries. Also he may even be threatened by a relationship being formed by you and his Dad, with the bparents. Good luck and please keep us posted you will be on my mind, I don't envy you. Your role in this is vital, and it is so hard to be silent, but I do believe he will open up and ask for you to lend and ear when he needs it.. And also advice. Best wishes, Andi

Okay one more thing about teenagers, and I will shut up - promise! They HATE scenes. In any circumstances, they freak over get togethers where people might talk about, "OMG, feelings!?". Your son is probably still in the cocoon stage where all he wants to do is chill in his own way and not talk about, "OMG, feelings!?". Dinner with a crowd (more than 1 person, thank you) and talk about "OMG, feelings!?" is way more than he can handle at 16 years old, IMHO. Hang in there. I think the fact that he can be honest with you about his "OMG-feelings!?", blunt as they are, is an indication that he is secure in your love for him. Like I said before - he is one lucky kid. Happy G'Ma

You're RIGHT, this is HARD! I have a feeling, along with all the newness and fascination of this in his life, is also a feeling that he wants home and family to remain unchanged by it. While he is perfectly comfortable, apparently, dropping by occasionally with a friend, he wants things to go no further than that. He told me that I was taking things "much too seriously" by suggesting hanging the picture and planning a "blended family." We've decided to back off and let him continue to set the how, where, when, and the pace. I believe, from everything he's said, that he's perfectly capable of setting his own boundaries, and I'm not REALLY sure we need to be involved in this anyway, aside from keeping a close eye on him to be sure he continues to be okay. Thank you all for your notes. I've gotten a lot of insight from posting and reading your messages...

I think you've gotten some wonderful responses here. I wish I hand something insightful to add...... Dpen ~ I agree...I get the feeling from the post that he does want to control this. And mostly I agree with the not pushing feelings on him. I was 31 when I reunited, and dealing with all my own feelings was hard enough....I certainly didn't need someone else's to deal with. Andi~ I agree...most people do pull away when being forced into a situation that might be uncomfortable. I on the other hand come out fighting. I've always felt this was a defense mechanism. :confused: Happygmama~ LOL , You're so right....teenagers don't like to acknowledge they even have feelings. :eek: CAmama ~ I can remember when I was 16 and my MOM ask me if I ever wanted to find my birthmom...I replied, no, I have you, what do I need her for. At the time it was an honest answer. The thought of finding her didn't interest me at all. My point is...maybe this isn't a big deal to him. And the visits are just him satisfying his curiosity. As Dpen said, he doesn't see this as "one big happy family" and why should he...I agree with this statement. My relationship with my birthfamily is totally separate from what I have with my family. They will never be one in the same. Keep posting and let us know how things are going :) .

As an adoptee (and a mom of 4 teens) I have to agree with everything that people have said here. Your son was caught by surprise. Having his biofather suddenly appear forced him to think about many aspects of adoption that he many not have really thought about. Even at my age, when I was finally sitting and stsaring at a paper with my birthmother's contact infomration on it, I was near panic. And I was the one who started looking! :rolleeyes: One other thing I wanted to throw out there. My stomach goes into a knot at the very idea of having my birthmother and my parents in the same room. A serious, want-to-throw-up knot. For me, there are lots of reasons. I don't feel comfortable enough yet with my birthmom to even imagine bringing her "home" so to speak. I also don't like scenes and am afraid it would get too emotional. But the biggest reason is that I feel badly stuck in the middle with my loyalties pulled. I know that my parents would have preferred we never meet and I not have any questions or curiousity. I know my mom, in particular, is absolutely terrified about whether this will change her relationship with me, which is totally silly in my mind - my mom will always be my mom and I love her dearly. Oh, and probably about 10 other thoughts would start to churn in there if I ever was actually faced with the possibility of a get-together like that. He's very young, and at a difficult age for this, IMO. But it sounds as if he's handling it well. He is controlling the pace, and he is taking it slow. I think it's great you're being so sensitive to your son. I think it's important you keep finding ways to let him know that you will understand if he wants to get to know his bio-dad better. But my instinct would be to say once you've let him know that his loyalty and love for you isn't being questioned, I'd step back and let him set the pace without pressing. Hard, huh? These years are so difficult. And reunion is incredibly difficult too. It sounds like you have raised a wonderful young man though, who will be just fine. Hang in there!

I agree that you have some great responses here. It also sounds like you are doing fine. Your son is comfortable dropping by and glimpsing his birth dad's family. You are also entitled to get to know his birth dad's family on your own. Not one big happy family and not a joint dinner. Just like what you planned, the adults getting together and setting boundaries. Since you son is just 16, that is still your job. It is so typical for a teenager to jump to conclusions. It actually takes pressure off my son for me to have a relationship with his birth parents. Then he doesn't have to deal with maintaining the relationship. He just takes the parts that work for him. My son is 14 so he is younger than yours. When we received photos of our son's birth Mom and birth Dad I asked him if he wanted to put them up in his room. That is where they are. Not out in the main room for everyone to see. His birth dad's family isn't really your good friends yet and they may not be like family yet. It was a nice gesture though I think to offer. Deep down your son may think so too although he won't admit it. Good luck and good job!

:) I can appreciate your anger at the method of contact. It sounds like you and your son are well-adjusted and secure in your relationship. To the other responses you have received, I don't understand the whole possessive thing. You don't sound possessive. You just sound like a parent who is mad another adult made an inappropriate method of contact their minor child. Some of the adoptees that have posted comments even seem to want to make this about aparent vs. bparent. I really don't understand this thought process. The triad is tricky enough. Good luck to you!