considering adoption - older mum and dad

First off is there someone who can take temporary custody of your son? Sometimes the separation can help clear your mind and this way he can come back. If you still want adoption maybe you can do an independent adoption where you can find the family directly and possibly have some contact. Let me know if you want to chat about anything.

Riab, First, you haven't said whether you're both seeing a counselor or physician for your emotional issues. It's not completely unusual, even after 5 months, to still have adjustment issues - resentment, unhappiness, etc, and it's not completely related to giving birth. Adoptive parents sometimes go through the same thing. I did. I can remember turning to our adoption counselor and saying 'there's a reason I can't give birth. I'm not cut out for this'. My whole world was out-of-sync. So please, if you haven't discussed or sought outside help to address your issues, do it now. JMHO Regina

riab i strongly suggest you see a counselor. it is very normal to think "ive made a mistake" i know those feelings were very real for me and the first year i would constantly think.."I cant do this"...or "I dont want to do this" i mourned my 'past life'.....going out with friends, going to the movies, etc...i just grieved what my life was like. i missed just getting up and going...vs gettng the kids, getting them dressed to go out, strapping them in their car seats, etc, it was such an ordeal.... :eek: I guess just wanted to let you know, that those feelings are very normal, and they do pass.

Riab...I wanted to check in and see how you are doing. You and UtahSky are in my thoughts... I think of you guys often and hope that you are both doing well. Please keep us posted...we would love to know how you are. Hugs, Maria

Riab, (((((((((Hugs))))))))). Please take all this good advice you are getting... go to a counselor. It's just not a good idea to make a major life-changing decision when you are depressed (no matter what is causing the depression). It is soooo normal to feel resentment and detachment from your baby at first... it happens for many parents (including my own mom). It doesn't mean it will always be this way. You have the ability to work through your feelings and turn this around into a positive experience for you.... But if you place your baby, it's permanent--out of your control--and if you then find yourself regretting placing, there will be nothing you can do... Please, please, get some individual counseling AND some couples' counseling before doing anything else. And also, please keep in mind that your life has changed now that you've had a baby, no matter what you decide. Placing a baby does not mean your life will go back to the "way it was before." There's simply no going back. Parenting and adoption are both life-changing experiences. Hope this didn't come across too pushy, just concerned for you..... It may be that the life-changes that adoption brings are easier/better for you to handle than the life-changes that parenting brings... but I really think it would be good for you to talk to a counselor and get some treatment for the depression before you even broach that decision. And then continue to talk to a counselor if you are still considering adoption--someone who can help you understand the ways in which being a birthparent will change your life, too, and help you sort out which life change is best for you. ((((Hugs)))). Nicole

thanks for the replies, I admit - adoption is a last resort option really for us, I think it would do more damage to our relationship. I was never particularly keen on babies and despite everyone saying 'oh its different when its your own' I still don't liek them that much inlcuding my own. I hoestly feel that I have made a mistake - now it may be that we find a way to live with the consequences and still be happy, but at the moment I feel overwhelmed, resentful and deeply unhappy alot of the time. I am trying to find appropraite outside help to talk through things - unfortunatly the coucnellors I've come across so far seem to fall into one of two groups, the ones who take your money and sit there saying nowt for an hour, and those who want to 'help' you and spend the whole hour being all motherley and trying to convince me that it will get better and I'm 'just' suffering from perfectly normal PND. I know I havn't got PND - I don't display the right symptoms, I agree that i am depressed however alot of the standard ocunselling techniques for depression focus on changing how you think about something - ie you're depressed because you think you are fat - they change that so you feel happier with how you look. They can't change the fact that I have a child and as that is whats causing the depression i'm not sure how much help they'd be. It would be a help if I had a better support network but my husband works the classic hours of out in the morning just as me and baby get up and if we're lucky back just in time to kiss him goodnight - and out at least one evening a week on work plus one whole weekend way each month.No family and no close friends nearby. We're off on holiday for two weeks now - and we're going to talk over our options while we're away. will keep you updatedRia

There is a wonderful support network here on the forums. Vent to us - tell us everything. You can be honest in how you feel here. And you will get alot of shoulders, and advice. :)

Hello my heart goes out to you during this diffucult time. Remember a new baby at any age is difficult hard and just plain tiring. I wish I could come babysit for you. :) I am in Nebraska and I am guessing your not. But do see if someone can help or like another poster mentioned maybe give you a break take the baby for a short period of time? is their a family member or friend whom can help out? Also know that sometimes placing a child with an adoptive family can bring on its own depression to please do talk to a counselor or therapist see what they think and then give yourself time to really think this over. I know this is hard right now. Just know that parenting is hard as is placing. This is your baby how will you feel if that child lives with others and calls them mommy and daddy? if that is Ok with you then maybe think of this option if that does not feel even a little bit Ok the that is not the right option for your family. We are an older adoptive couple. My heart and prayers go out to your family. god bless and I will remember you and hope all goes as you need it to. Terrie

Like the others have said, it's best to talk to a councelor. Good luck!

I don't know where you go for therapy, but therapy for clinical depression is so much more than that. You may have a chemical imbalance that could respond well to medication. You could also be getting some parent guidance that would make the experience you have with your baby more pleasurable and help with attachment. Both you and your child are at risk. I hope you find the real help you need to figure this all out.

riab, i was just wondering how you were doing. i think it's very noble of you to be so honest about your feelings. are there any other couselors in your area you haven't met with yet? have you considered medication for yourself at all? and you may not need it for the rest of your life at all, maybe just for a few months. i wish you well, and just wanted to say i was thinking of you. tina