Ways to cope when birthchild says no to contact......

Dear inmyheart, No, I certainly didn't mean to sound rude. This "regression" thing is clearly stated by several psychologists who are "adoption specialists" (Joe Soll, Nancy Verrier et al). It doesn't mean that the person is immature per se. They are simply "immature" with that other significant person (whether this is the adoptee with bmom or the bmom with adoptee). I also don't think it is deliberate most times & I am sure that if the person who had regressed realised, they would be quite upset. Anyway, I am glad that I didn't upset you at least.

I truly believe in this case his afamily had something to do with why he reacted in such a way. He seemed interested at first but then changed his thoughts.. I am sure he had input from his family on this topic. If they were outraged that you were trying to contact him, I believe they poisoned his mind against you. Just my opinion and I could be wrong, and I hope I am wrong, but I seriously doubt it. very sad. I hope he changes his views one day.

dpen - read my posting again. (1) you have misinterpreted it & (2) much of what I have written can be validated by reading books on adoption reunions and statistical evidence from research into this phenomenon. It is not in my nature to degrade people and it certainly wasn't my intention here.

Pianthka, Think about something...I will post this...All bmoms act like children during reunion...its been proven in studies accross the board....actually its also been proven that alot of bmoms are one drugs...get what I am saying?? Before anyone posts about how much they "know" about adoptees stop and think ...do you really?? Can you really speak for me? Because of a few studies??? Makes the rest of the world all knowing about adoptees?? This whole forum tends to "lump" all adoptees but get there knickers in a bundle when their group is lumped together.... There is not an "expert" out there that can tell me what all or most ADoptees feel. It is way to indivual, seperate. I posted that 14 yo are to young to mother and the backlash was riduclous, I posted my displeasure in the fact that Adoptees in the public eye .made me feel like adoptees as a group are just a lump of people who might be in the public eye...and heavens how would that make bmoms feel....gee...can we just live our lives without worrying about where our faces may be and who we may hurt?? I was blasted by who...birthmoms and birthfathers who think they know ALL about US adoptees.....based on a few studies, and oh ...how it actually may make them feel...cause they are the important ones in this triad..right??? Did you mean to degrade, no I don't think so...but do NOT put me in any group that you don't want to be put in.in other words...don't you dare consider me childish in my reunion..when in fact..I was the more adult one..I was the one that HAD to think of my birthmoms feelings, my amoms feelings.as they reveled in there own feelings...barely thinking of mine.....don't you dare insinuate I am childish or other adoptees are based on a few studies...do not use studies to try to explain who I am..or I may use studies to explain teen age prenancy, abuse and immatetity in parenting.... I have listended to the many facets of pain on these boards...have not agreed but would never presume to thell whom ever is feeling it they are wrong....even though I may think they may not be taking resposability for their actions...... Don't ever think you "know" a whole group of people...because you don't/...Just I don't try to think I know ALL about bmoms and amoms..... There are adopteess that are all grown up and have lived.....we are not the little children you gave up or brought up..we are adults with careeers and famlies of our own...we do have a clue on life.

Nany verrier..amom..doesn't "know" the adoptees experiance. Joe soll is so antiadoption its really sad.... He can NOT speak of me Anyone can call themselves an expert..especially when it perpetuates their agenda..... There are many that are trying to get the word out that adoption is bad.....as an adoptee whose KNOWS that adoption was good for me and saved my life....I can't help but shake my head at those that think it was not good for ME..because when you make general statements...its as if you KNOW what right for me...you don't....

Dpen6: I agree with you. I too posted about teenage pregs and got blasted!!! Also, as an adoptee-NO ONE can speak for me about how I feel! I agree with you 250%.

Did you know most parents have access to their children's e-mail accounts at college? It's true, as true. I know several parents that monitor their children's e-mail without them knowing it.

I totally agree with you. As a birthmother who does a lot of public speaking I never use absolutes. I can tell my story, I can share other's stories (With their permission) I can talk about the research, but I cannot say how all birthparents feel because we are all individuals.

Perhaps he is angry, because he is not clear on exactly what it is you want. Do you just need to know that he is ok? Or do you want a relationship with him?If you said as much in your letter, that may be scaring him off. Remember he is 18. In his world, there is no time or emotion left for something so intense. As for telling him that it may be too late if he ever changes his mind, well you may have to live with those words. An impied threat is there whether it was your intention or not. I understand you are hurting, but you may have to give it time, meaning years to leave him alone, and see if, and when he comes around, but if you are sonding like a needy stranger to him, he will run. By the way, as an adoptee, let me say, I have never needed my Aparents to do my talking for me, ever. Just because we are adopted does not mean we have left or will power or abililities at the door. I would never need anyone to write an email for me, or, express my thoughts. Sorry if this is not what you needed to hear, but i have always found that people with unreal expectations are the ones who get hurt in the end. At least he is alive and doing well, which is what you wanted, right?

Dear inmyheart, I read your thread and all posts in reply because I also want to cope- with what feels like rejection whether or it actually is or not. I want to reclaim what is left of my life. I feel strange giving advice on coping since I'm still messed up but here goes- I agree sending a card now and then is a good idea. It may pay off down the road. There don't seem to be many answers to what will help with what you feel right now. Well meaning people try to explain things- (why sombody did /said this or that) but you talk about a feeling and explainations don't always help feelings. Therapy has helped me somewhat. I have found that a good exercise program helps a lot. When you push your body your brain releases endorphens (may not be correct spelling) that make you feel better mentally. If you are old like me hire a trainer to develop a program that works around your abilities/disabilities- 1 session doesn't cost much. I quit for a while due to my work schedual and got a lot worse. In fact I lost my job due to my inability to focus. I'm now taking meds to help me focus and this week I am getting back to my work-outs. I strongly believe in prayer and would like to invite anyone who believes to pray for all of us to find peace. -Patty-cake

my daughter was adopted out,but she knew who i was. i saw her from time to time until i moved to another state. the aparents were mad at me for doing that. after i placed a call to their house one day after i moved i left a message for my daugther. i got a call late one night from her bawling me out saying all kind of things. i felt so sad. but later when she grew up and left the home she contacted her brother and he got us all on 3 way calling and we talked a bit. it was just like i thought, those words she said to me that night were not her own words but that of the amom. so hang in there and pray, things will work out for you the way they were meant to. God Bless

Hi! Can you tell me if this is an adopted child? If it is, some reading that you may want to check out is Primal Wound - dealing with issues of abandonment with the adopted child. If this is your natural child, they may be dealing with their desire for independance. Don't worry, and hang in there! All kids need love and support at some time. Find an adult to confide in, and take it one step at a time! Leave me a message if you wish, I am coming from the adult understanding of an adoptee, and the understanding of behavior from being a college student who is pursuing my degree in social work. :) Keep your chin up!!!

I'm sorry but I just hate it when the "primal wound" is thrown at adoptees .This is one person opinion, and does not cover all adoptees. Eeryone's experience is different, and should not all be lumped in together. I also take ezception with the role of adoptive parents in all of this. It is quite unfair to demonize them in some way, because a reunion is not going the way one would hope for. if a child is close to thier parents and are midful of their feelings that means that they have a deep love for their parents, these are the people who raised them and the layaties should remain there IMO.

I read your post and my heart goes out to you. I am on the other side of adoption. The hopeful adopting mom....The one thing that is most important for us would be if and when our adoption is final to let this angel know his biological parents love him!! The reality is you are his biological mom. I know you love him, its just ashame he does not feel that way. There could be many issues which I am sure adoptive children face. Seeing that the adoptive parents of your son did not want to send pictures or have you involved makes me think they just wanted you out of the picture. They should understand if not for you they would not be blessed with a son. Adoption is a most courageous and loving choice. Your son needs to understand bottom line you love him and you always have and always will.. Sometimes adoptive parents are scared or threatened by the biological parent, and just might be afraid of losing their son. Who knows what your son was told of the adoption. I guess in my situation - I became and still am very close with the birth mom-I saw for myself what she went through and there will never ever be a doubt that she loves her son. She will forever hold a special place in my heart. She answered our endless prayers. I hope for you that peace will soon come. God Bless

beautiful post......