My son and I have run into a lot of people who assume they know "our story" because he's being adopted. Among the things that are untrue, but stated as fact:
-Because A is being adopted he must be from another country
-His parents must be dead/he's an orphan
-I must be incapable of getting pregnant
-His parents must belong to a street gang
Any other to add?
lakin11, we, too, chose to add to our family thru foster/adopt even though we have 3 biokids and assume we could have more without any problems.
Some people seem to think we are squandering our family resources (financial, parenting energy, etc) by adding to our family, and have said so.
We, on the other hand, think we have given our kids something much more valuable than material possessions, and even more valuable than an always well-rested mom (if there even is such a thing).
First of all, they have a sibling they adore and enjoy tremendously. Second, they have the example of seeing their parents put their beliefs into actions, instead of just paying lip service to them: All children are equally worthy of love and families.
We think these gifts are worth more than a lifestyle upgrade to compete with other people's cars, clothes, or vacations.
People, even those that love us, just don't always get it!
We get the "oh how could his REAL mom give him away, hes just so cute". Like they are saying they could understand if he was not so cute. GRRR.
And the REAL mom thing, I am REAL. Its REALLY me that wipes his nose and bottom. Its REALLY me that is awake walking the floors when he is sick. Its REALLY me that is up before the sun every morning to make his breakfast.
Now our son does have a 1st mom or bmom. She isnt a drug dealer or on drugs. She is not a prostitute and she only voluntarily signed TPR because a judge was just about to do it anyway. She did not "give away" her child. She very lovingly placed him with his adoptive family because she knew he would be loved and cared for here.
Our son was not "abused" either. He is not "damaged", (grrrr) nor was he born with any drugs in his system.
We have heard them all and it doesnt make it any easier when its your own siblings/parents making the stupid comments...especially when you have spent many conversations educating them. Or trying to.
I hear the ever popular
"The bmom must have really young, right?" (or 15, or 13....)
"She must have been on drugs"
Maybe I need to come up with other suggestions to widen their concept of what can break a family, instead of letting them all decide that it's "always" the same problem...
But how do you tell them no when what they say is true? (Okay, she was 17, not 13...)
I would politely but firmly tell then that it's none of their business. With foster kids, their confidentiality must be protected. With adopted kids, they deserve privacy as well, although it is at the discretion of the adoptive parents to disclose or not disclose info. If you do not wish to disclose info, I suggest the following:
"That's personal."
"That's private."
"I really can't talk about that."
"That is not a question I feel comfortable answering on the child's behalf. If they want you to know, the child will tell you."
"That is an inappropriate question."
"Our family matters are not relevant to this discussion."
"My family does not believe in airing our business to people with whom we are not familiar."
Ms Jackie...I do answer comments from strangers and even friends and family members in much the way you suggest. However, this thread is not about WHAT to answer in reply, but rather about the people and how they assume they know "our story". I do protect my kids confidentiality, but not to the point where I will allow others to think untrue of my child or his bfamily. Not ALL kids in our system are "damaged" by their bfamily or pre-foster families, and I am just as quick to point this out to others, without giving personal details about my kids history.
I love this thread...and especially love the come back lines just posted!
My Dad's response when i told him I was adopting my little one "they are making you adopt him?"
I mostly get the talk about spending my energy and resources on "other people's problems"
My step mom is not happy we are adopting three kidos. She says that being drug addict and being bad people runs in these kids family and not to come crying to her when they turn bad.
Oceanmom-My dad gives me the same comment your dad does. Anoying huh.
Ok, this is one for those that are believers in Christ.
For those that give you that line about taking care of other people's problems...
Aren't you glad that Joseph didn't feel that way about Jesus!
If anyone suggests to me that drug problems and criminal activity run in families, I say " I know, that's why the social workers matched him with us. We already have all of that in both our families" followed by a big smile. I let THEM worry about how rude they've just been.
So far, it has happened twice and the looks I got were worth money.
Hi everyone...
Yes Shycar...annoying was yesterday...just got off the phone with my mother...when I came out and ask for their support, she told me they are not the weird if! I can blow this off..I can blow this off...
I wish I had that Joesph line.....
I must say I was quite surprised at how excited everyone seemed to be at Thanksgiving. We are scheduled for our first home visit Monday afternoon. Parents/grandparents a little disappointed that we probably won't be licensed by Christmas. So i guess the idea has sunk in. I think my mom coming to visit a few weeks ago, seeing the house, and things we've done to prepare has helped. Woohoo! :cheer:
Waiting for Monday!
Most people make the misconception that my children are grateful for being adopted by such a wonderful family. In all actuality, I'm sure they'd rather their birthfamilies were able to raise them.
They make the misconception that "we are protecting our children from their birthfamilies". The reality is that we have open adoptions with our children's birthfamilies and will continue to as long as the birthfamilies are respectful to us as the children's parents and are appropriate around the children.
My children's birthfamilies did the best they could for their kids. They didn't know any better and bc of issues in their lives (some God-given), they were unable to make the changes necessary to regain custody of them. I don't hate the birthfamilies (another misconception) and neither do my children.
Probably the biggest misconception is that I could never love my "adopted" children as much as the children I gave birth to. That couldn't be any further from the truth. My kids are my kids and the only time I ever think about the "difference" between them is when someone says something stupid to me, like the above comment.
That's so annoying. My middle daughter is African-American. Her birth was the result of a non-consentual sexual encounter (putting it politely) and it never fails to amaze me how society categorizes children for the failings of their parents.
I'm very pro-life, and whenever I hear someone say children from such circumstances are better aborted, it saddens me. My daughter is so beautiful and smart, and I cannot imagine having her! I'm so thankful her birth mother was strong in this way and allowed her to be born. I think my daughter's going to grow into quite a special young lady, in many ways.
I truly believe, someday, she will be a blessing to the lady who brought her into this world the same way she's blessed me.
I have both a teen and infant foster daughter. Both are dark haired, brown eyes, and olive complexion. Everyone automatically assumes my teen is the baby's mother, especially when I take the kids to DSS for any reason.
I was letting little G's hair grow. It looked so cute, it was all fuzy. My sister said, " you NEED to cut G's hair, he looks like a foster kid!!" :eek: I asked her, wath exactly does a "foster kid" look like bc every foster child I've ever had is very well dressed and taken care of.