it will never be the same

I had my daughter in 1986. At the time, I was 15. I had planned to keep her and raise her, but I didn't have any money. His family was unsupportive, or so I thought. Fast forward to the delivery room. My sister, who is 21, is making fun of the name that I want to name her. "thank God she is giving this one away, because who wants a name like that?" My parents just sit there and say nothing. I was alone, and she was born. My precious daughter. I wanted to keep her so badly. The whole time I was pregnant, I was told that I was to NOT keep the baby, the baby would be put up for adoption, end of story. You know how adoption agencies can be, so I was never told otherwise. My parents were cruel, and that is being nice. They never allowed me to speak of her, yet they hung her picture on the wall for me to see. No counseling, nothing. Fast forward to my first son. When I told my mother I was pregnant, she was thrilled to be getting a "real" grandbaby. She prayed that I would have a boy so it wouldn't remind me of the one that "I gave away". Fast forward to 2005. I have been in a functional depressive state over the years. I had parenting issues at first with my son, and I feel tremendous guilt over it. I was unable to form that bond that we are supposed to get because I was terrified that someone would take him away too. So, in 2005, with my son being fourteen, and my daughter 18, she contacts me only by the Grace of God and this website. So, while talking to my sister one day, she let it slip that there were meetings between the families. His family had wanted to help me out, but my parents threatened them with legal action and they were unable to come to an agreement. Neither I nor her father were aware of these meetings. So, when I get a hold of her father, I find out that not only were there meetings, but my father had told him that I didn't love him, the baby, and that he sent me to an unwed mothers home and I was going to give the baby up after birth. I find this out nineteen years after the fact. My life could have been completely different. I am stuck in this anger phase. Please don't tell me about forgiveness, I don't want to hear it. I am so angry at my father. Not only did he lie to me, but he neglected to tell me that I could have had some help. I did find out too that he was demanding money and the price kept going up. So in effect, he was trying to sell my own child. Things worked out for her, but my life basically feels like it has been a lie. A complete lie and it was ruined by my family. If I had to do it over again, there is no way I would do it again. Now, my parents and my sister are upset because she doesn't want anything to do with them. She knows the whole story, and who could blame her? They never wanted her around, and now everything is supposed to be okay? I don't think so. I just need to know what to do with my family. I could never talk to them again, ever. And don't say that they thought that they were doing what was best for them. They knew what they were doing, and we were nothing but an embarassment. In 1986, nonetheless. :mad: