My story

I've been so humbled by the stories on this forum, I thought I might share mine in the hopes that someone else can benefit.Brief History:

I came from a very abusive family (sexual and physical). At the age of 12 my mother drove me to the courthouse and dropped me off. I was in foster homes, etc until I was 18. At 17 I met my first real boyfriend. We lived together for 2 years before I found out I was pregnant. It was quite a shock because when I was 12 (and examined by a ob/gyn) I was told that I had so much scar tissue around my fallopian tubes that I would never be able to have children. For this reason (and because we were in a monogamous relationship) we never thought to use birth control.Pregnancy and the Adoption Option:

I was so happy to be pregnant. I always wished I was able to concieve (for the future). BF wanted me to have an abortion, but I did not want that. He told me early on in the pregnancy that he did not want to raise a child and that he was not going to marry me. He told me very directly that if I kept the baby, he would leave. He was the only person I could have trusted to help me with my baby. My parents were out of my life forever and unless I was able to raise a baby in a stable home, I felt like I would be putting my baby at risk of having a bad childhood. I was told I couldnt' do it on my own. I was even told that because my parents had abused me, there was a huge chance that I would end up abusing my baby. I was so scared to ruin a life. So scared to make someone feel the way I had felt growing up. I would kill myself before I ever allowed my baby to be hurt. So why did I believe the A-parents and the BF when they said I was so at risk for hurting my baby? Because it's what they wanted me to believe. It suited their purpose. I was very sick during my pregnancy. I developed gestational diabetes and was insulin dependent. I had morning sickness all day, every day. We visited an attorney who put us in touch with a couple wanting to adopt. I lived in Portland, Oregon...they lived in San Jose California. The A-Parents (a first impression):

Wow. They were so very nice. I was not use to having people be nice to me. They seemed to care about things that nobody else did. They also seemed like a very happy couple. They spoke of such an open adoption that it seemed like I had virtually nothing to lose by giving my baby up for adoption. They promised pictures, visits, updates all the time. They wanted to KNOW ME. They wanted to be close to ME. This made me feel good too, I felt like I had "parents" of my own again. They came to Portland frequently and we talked on the phone all the time. I told them all aout my past (which I would later regret). They promised me that I would get pictures every 3 months until she was 2 years old, then every year (at least) until she was 18. This was to include updates and I was to be notified if anything serious happened. Visits would be arranged per mutual agreement. I was to recieve $2500 to be held in trust in the event that I needed counseling. They also told me that the Amom would stay home with the baby for "at least six months". What they didn't bother to tell me was they already had a live in housekeeper who would be taking care of the baby within a week of her birth, so that the Amom wouldn't have to be away from her growing business.I did my part:

Not happily though. I had a C-section after 19.5 hours in labor, I got to stay in the hospital with my baby for 3 days. When the time came to hand her over (in the lobby of the hospital) I couldn't do it. I thought I would collapse on the floor, I thought I would stop breathing. I thought I was dying. All I could do was hand her to the BF, who then handed her to the Aparents. Per Intersate Compact Agreement, they were suppose to stay in Oregon for a set number of days (3 I think) before taking the baby to California. This was to protect me in case I changed my mind. Which I did, but it didn't do any good because they left Oregon within six to seven hours of getting the baby. I was more distraught than I thought it was even possible to be. They called me a few days later to let me know everything was fine. I told them "I" wasn't fine. This sparked an arguement that would destroy our relationship. I began saying I changed my mind, that I couldn't go through with this. They tried to calm me down, but after a few minutes the Adad told me that if I contested the adoption in court (which was to take place within 3 months in California), he would tell the court that I was a prostitute (when I was 12 and had run away from the foster homes I was placed in). I was so ashamed. What kind of court would give a former prostitute a baby? Especially when the BF wasn't even going to stick around? I told them that if I had more time with her, maybe I would feel better. I asked to be able to come visit for a few days so I could see her again. They agreed.During that visit, I was not allowed to hold her (except once right before I left). The first night we were there, we went to a fancy dinner with their friends (very awkward). During the dinner, the Amom continuoulsy commented how the baby looked like her sister, her aunt, etc. I thought that was too cruel. I told her at the table "If you weren't holding my baby, I'd come over there and slap you". The rest of the visit did not go well. I wasn't able to get the closure I was seeking, partly due to the fact that I wasn't even allowed to hold her. I had wanted to hold her and talk to her, tell her how much I loved her. I was finally allowed to hold her "but just for a five minutes" while they stood there. It ripped my heart out. I hated them. I also found out that they decided to change her name. That was a slap in the face too.The Aftermath:

I did get picutes for awhile. They stopped when she was around five. I started getting them again when she was about 10, and then VERY sporadically. I would get the usual line "yeah, I'm mailing you some pictures right now", but they'd show up a year later. It's to the point now where I never know when/if the next one is going to show up. After reading the posts on this forum, I consider myself lucky that I get any at all. When she was about 2 years old, I decided I needed that counseling afterall. I was told that the money was gone, it went towards the expenses of my visit when she was a few months old. I also found out years later, that I can never have another child. I've been trying for the past seven years, but it's not going to happen. The other thing that really messed me up was that a few weeks after that visit, the BF announced our relationship was over. I lost my baby and my only source of emotional support.Now:

I have been with my husband for 8 years. I am very happily married. I wish I could have children. Adoption is NOT an option for us. I would NEVER put a Bmom through that pain, EVER. My daughter will be 14 on November 18th. I miss her and I love her so much. If I could change anything in my life, I would have had the courage to keep her. I wouldn't have believed everyone when they told me I wasn't capable of raising a baby alone. That I would be being selfish if I chose to keep her. I wish I had been strong enough to do what I knew in my heart was right. This mistake will be one my great regret throughout life. I will take this one to the grave. I am fortunate, however, to have such a wonderful husband who comforts me and sees me through the rough days.My heart breaks for the women who have suffered this loss. Many of you have had to endure even more heartache than I. I recall reading a post about the woman who was told her boyfriend died in Viet Nam. I don't think I'll ever forget that. People can be so cruel. For all the women who thought they were getting an "open adoption" but weren't, my heart goes out to you and I consider myself very lucky to get the few pictures that I do. I wish, most of all, that you'll find peace somehow. Best wishes,Adri