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About a year ago, I finally got up the nerve to call my biological father. At the time, I told him I needed to know more about family medical history, since I was expecting my first child. That's true, but I really wanted to know more about him. To my amazement, he agreed to meet. The conversation was awkward but honest and warm. He told me he was never really sure if he was my father or not--that is, until he met me. Apparently, I look just like a lot of his family. At the end of the meeting, he asked if he could visit me. I agreed, so long as he told his family about me. Over the next year, I sent him three short letters -- a thank you note, a birth announcement and an e-mail that my address was changing. I only heard back from him once, this summer. He said it broke his heart not to be with here with me but his wife had not accepted the situation and worried that I would be too disruptive to their family.I sent a kind response back, thanking him for telling his wife about me and acknowledging how difficult it must have been to tell her about me. I asked him to keep in touch but I have not heard back from him and I don't think I will.I should also note that I have three half-sisters through him, whom I'd very much like to meet.This is mixed up with a lot of sadness and some resentment, too. My mother was 19 when I was conceived. She told him about me, but he questioned his paternity as I said earlier. He signed adoption release papers when I was 5 and I don't think he ever looked back, until now. In fact, he never told his wife about the adoption release. And they've been married for 20+ years. I'd be upset too. He's ducked responsibility (for me) and been in denial for a long time. I'm hurt but I can forgive all that completely if he'd just make an effort. I can't explain why I want a relationship with him, but I do very much. Not hearing from him though is like being rejected a second time. I've considered sending a last letter that explains all this and consider it final, with no expectations of hearing back from him.I'd appreciate advice. I'm new to this site and not sure if this is the best forum to post this issue on or not (if there's a more suitable one, please let me know).Thanks.
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My heart goes out to you. Patience, lots of it is needed. I am writing as the spouse of a birth father. I accepted my husbands son, given up for adoption in 1979, with no questions asked. It does bring up emotional issues for his wife that you may never think of. While your intentions may be honorable his wife is on an emotional rollercoaster. You were not conceived during their marriage but to have to acknowledge that a previous relationship existed may be hard for her. She may not feel secure in her marriage to him or with herself and that makes you the very scary nightmare....at least for a while.
I have had many people ask me how it feels to know my husband had a child with another woman...the answer is simple....he did not. He was not my husband when he was in the relationship with the bmom. I am not threatened by the bmom's existance and am secure in my marriage. Keep looking there is a thread that deals with spouses I will see if I can locate for you. My words for you are patience and understanding for his wife and children. Try not to be too critical of emotional immaturity :confused: and if you have a chance, see if you can include her as well. A relationship alone with your dad may seem very threating to her. It will come with time. Good luck. Karen :D
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