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I am a proponent of open adoption. My oldest son, who is 3, has a fully open adoption. We just made our annual visit to see his birthmother the end of October and will be calling her in the next day or two for T-giving. My concern is with the adoption of my younger son, 9 months, which is semi-open. The birthmother chose us, provided medical info & family history, asked for a yearly update, and said it would be okay for our son to contact her when he is older BUT she did not choose to see/hold/name him after birth, did not want to meet us (SW said she feared we'd judge her because of circumstances surrounding Ray's birth). I had concerns initially but hoped -- and still do -- that over time she'd be willing for more openness. Initially I didn't realize she only wanted an update at the end of the year and had sent in some pictures and a letter after the first 6 weeks or so; the SW said I didn't need to send anything until December then and said she'd hold the update. Then last month, just as we were preparing to visit our older son's birthmom, our SW called and said the birthmother had requested an update and could we send one? I was glad, thinking it might mean she was ready for more openness; I had been saving pictures for her. I wrote an update and ended with a paragraph saying how we'd love to meet her, what kind of a relationship we had with our older son's birthmom, how we were getting ready to go for a visit, that it had its hard parts, but we thought the openness was very worthwhile. It was meant to be encouraging. Two weeks passed. I didn't hear anything, but I did ask our SW if she'd heard anything, she said no, but she assumed the other SW got the update. Then last week she called and said the other SW (the one who works with the birthmother) called her and asked us to rewrite the letter because she felt the last paragraph would pressure her or make her feel badly. I have to say, I was crushed. Openness is not always easy emotionally, but I do feel it's in the best interest of the child. I was really trying to be positive and encouraging, and the message I'm getting from the agency is not to mention the openness, which I feel is wrong. But I certainly would not want to add to the birthmother's emotional trauma or pressure her, either. Also, it bothered me that it took the SW so long to let me know. I've rewritten the letter and mailed it back, but by the time she gets it, it'll be time for the regular update anyway. If she asked for an update in early November, I hope she doesn't think we're dragging our feet replying, because I didn't. We're planning a mid-December trip to visit the foster parents -- we'd hit it off really well with them, they're from the same area in PA my husband is, and we'd promised to visit with Ray. I'd thought to let the SW know so that she could tell the birthmother we were in the area if she'd like to meet, but now I won't because they'd probably say I'm pressuring her. I bought her a little Christmas present for Ray to give her -- a heart-shaped musical box with a mare and foal on it (she likes horses) -- and don't even know if they'll let me give it to her. I guess I'm feeling frustrated but I know I just need to be patient. Thanks for letting me vent.
P.S. -- I'll be away for the holiday so won't be able to read any responses until the 29th, just so you don't think I'm rude if I don't reply back! :)
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I'm frustrated for you, for all of you! This is one of the reasons I never wanted an agency or other entity to be go between with our child's birthfamily. If I'm going to blow it, screw something up, let me do it on my own. It realy disturbs me you are being censored and they are manipulating communications. Giving advice is one thing, but telling you to rewrite the letter is another. And to take so long to get back to you, that's not ok. Your intent was honorable. Granted, this SW who interacts with the birthmother may have some insight into her feelings, but why not let her hear from you, hear how you honestly feel and then help the birthmother sort her feelings about your letter. I say give the birthmother a little credit and stop treating her like a child who doesn't have the right to all the information her child's family wants to share, and is being kept from forming a more emotionally open (if even in writing) relationship. What a shame.
I'd write your feelings about openness again in another update, and be sure to include that you are aware that she has to be ready for more, and that you acknowledge she may never be. Let her know you do not/nor will you ever judge her, however she feels.
I wish I had some advice, but your feelings are justified. Send the gift.
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Thank you! What you said is very much how I feel! In our first adoption, we were supposed to send communication to the birthparents via the agency but quickly got frustrated as it took so much longer, it seemed so much simpler to just send things to the birthmother, so we started to do that. So I'm getting that same feeling, I guess. We had a lot of complaints with the agency we used with our older son, but they were better about the openness. We like our current agency, but have felt that they don't "push" the openness as much. I chose to go through an agency both times because I was concerned about doing something wrong (ironically, we still had ethical concerns with our first agency). I'm still happy with them overall, but the openness is a big thing. I'm waiting to hear if I'm "allowed" to send the birthmother a Christmas present from Ray! Thanks again for listening.
