Thoughts needed

I am wondering if she is thinking of trying to parent (unsure of her adoption plan) and having you as a back-up if she chooses not to parent. That's the only reason that I can think of for that. Others on the boards may have other ideas. You may also not be aware of this, but she is not a birth-mom until she signs relinquishment papers. She would be considered either a potential birthmom or expectant mother until she makes the decision after the birth of her child. I understand your concerns for the child, but again, it is her child until/unless she signs relinquishment. Have you talked to her to see why she wants to take the baby home first? Have you asked if she is having second thoughts? If you have an open relationship can you talk to her about it? Maybe she can let you know her thoughts behind the decision. I hope all goes well.

My first thoughts about why a mom would need to do this probably aren't going to make you feel very happy. I always stongly recommend that a mom try to parent first before placement, take the baby home, see how it works..be completely and utterly sure of the decision. Because one can always place a baby, but you can't unsign a surrender. So my thoughts are that she is a smart girl, she did her homework, and is doing what is right for her...and in retrospec, for her child. Now I don't know if that IS her reasoning..and you could always ask, but that might be a hard thing for her to tell you. I am a fan of openness and honestly, but sometimes one has to protect themselves. I wouldn't personally worry too much about the baby making the transition. Babies attach to new caregivers at much later ages in international adoptions. The bond that exisits between mother and child, while it might be stronger after a few weeks, will still be severed from a placement at any early age. Granted there is developement during the first month, but babies recognize their mother's voice and smell at birth too...so the separation is there no matter what. I know it sounds hard, but I would rather be assured that the mother of my child was completely sure in her decision to place and took the time she needed rather than guilt her into a poor decision. ( not saying you are...just couldn't come up with a better way to word it). I am assuming here that with the actual placement is the signing of the relinquishment papers? There is a HUGE legal difference in still having your own child and visiting him/her in a home where you no longer have legal rights. Are you sure that you are not more uncomfortable with her not wanting to sign off right away? Plus really, if she has not signed, then it is still her baby..and she can do so if she chooses. You have the choice of agreeing with what she decides or calling off the match because of your feelings regarding it. There is a heck of a lot of information here on bonding and transitions to get you mind at ease about that kind of stuff. I am no expert on that, but I would think that the folks here who have taken in older kids will assure you that 5 weeks is better than OK. There are things that you can do to promote bonding and easy transitions..some research should pull that up easy. Truthfully, sounds to me like she is going to test out parenting. I know that's not what you would like to hear, but that's my guess. I would be careful that you don't in anyway "steer" her in another direction..just guard your heart. Though I am glad she is being smart, I am sorry. And before i read too much more into your three lines, I'll shut up.

Well, I have to say...thats a pretty darn big red flag in MY opinion. Of course it is completely her right to do what ever she feels....just remember it is also your right to walk away if you are not comfortable with the situation. Are you paying birthmom expenses? Is this a long match? Leigh

That must be so very difficult. My opinion is that she is not ready to place her baby for adoption. Maybe this is her way of breaking it to you that she has changed her mind, or is thinking of changing her mind. Either that or she is taking this "very open" adoption to extremes. Knowing she isn't able to parent, but wants to experience the joys of her new baby before handing her over to you(which I'm sure will be much harder for her to do after weeks of bonding with her...as HER BABY.) A child can bond with an adoptive parent at any age. Yes the child will experience a loss(being seperated from birthparent) but I do not believe that a newborn baby really suffers like some theories would have you to believe...I believe the feelings of loss come more as the child grows and tries to understand everything and her place in the world. I don't know anything about the pbmom but even in the few weeks she may have the child. What she does with the child will affect the babies ability to bond. (For example...a baby learns very early on to trust that one person (usually) mom, for food and comfort and amusement and every single need. If the pbmom does not respond to the child or responds in negative ways, the child learns not to trust, learns that when you cry..no one comes...when your hungry no one feeds you. I'm not saying the pbmom will not take care of the baby. But can you imagine all the emotions she will be going through? All the pain and confusion? In order to let her go...she may feel like she can't really attach to her, which may affect the way she treats her. Besides, I could not bare to think of missing out on those first few weeks of life, when in most "normal" infant adoption the child is placed at birth or shortly after. I wouldn't want my child to go through the extra pain and confusion of one mommy to another...one feeding and sleeping schedule to another. I'd want to be there for my baby from the start....building that bond from the start(as my childs mom). I think starting off an "open" relationship in this way is unhealthy for everyone involved. I can see a lot of problems arising from this situation. A lot more heart ache for everyone. I would probably have a heart to heart talk with pbmom. Let her know you that you don't feel comfortable with that situation and let her know that while you would love to adopt her baby(under more normal circumstances) your willing to give her what she seems to need(which is to change her mind and decide to parent). Let her know that THIS IS HER DECISION and you wouldn't want to influence it in anyway. So if she feels she would like to take the baby home and parent than you will respect her decision and start looking for another match. Maybe she will decide that adoption was right for her, in the first place (and that HER wants....should not stand in the way of what she feels is really best for HER BABY...which may be adoption) and ask you to still be the parents. Or she may feel relieved that you are ok with her change of mind and still love and care for her as a person. Or she may be dissapointed and decide that HER vision of OPEN is differnt than yours...and in that case...it would be best for her to find a more sutable match...because that much OPENNESS may be exactly what she wants (more like co-parenting) and may cause serious problems in your future relationship with her. Sorry to make it so long... I'll go for now!!!

First of all let me start by saying that I encourage most moms to take their baby home from the hospital and spend a week or two with the baby before making any final decisions. The bottom line is that seeing and holding your child is a huge piece of nformation in making a well-informed decision. Secondly, there are a number of theories that discuss the symbiotic relationship of a mother and child that extends one to two weeks past childbirth. Seperating during that time can actually be more traumatic for both the mother and the baby. I know quite a few birthmoms who have had their child with them for a few weeks after birth. It made their decision to place stronger. Most birthmoms can describe in great detail the feelings of physical amputation that it feels like when we are seperated from our babies. I do not hear those kinds of descriptions from those who have parented for a few weeks. She has been bonding with "HER BABY" for nine months. She is attached, no matter what. Why should she not experience some joy with her baby? I tell adoptive parents that they will have the rest of their lives to experience the joy of being this child's parent. Why would they want to deny the birthparent this small amount of time in the larger scheme of things? Especially if it is a good thing for both the birthmom and her baby? Do you really want to be the one to say, "Your birthmom wanted to spend a couple weeks with you after you were born but I wanted that time with you."? I think that will do more to impact his/her feelings of loss. Stolen time.... Do you really think a birthmom is going to waste that precious time with their child by distancing themselves? Most birthmoms I know grab every minute and try to burn it in their memory. If they are choosing adoption out of love and care for the child, why do you think that their needs won't be met? Whose to say what is "normal"? In the first part of the century it was illegal for a birthmother to leave her infant before 3 months. It was considered abandonment. Before infant adoption became popular, women were encouraged to care for their babies even if they were to be adopted. They felt it was best for the child. The only thing that changed was the demand for infants. You say it is about the child's needs, but it is plain from this statement that it is really about your own. There is no extra "pain or confusion" to a child going from one mommy to another whether it is a few days after birth or a few weeks. Babies recognise their mother's smell, voice and movements right after birth. They prefer their mothers and can distinguish their mother's breast milk. This has been well researched and documented. Babies cognitive abilities do not change from day three to three weeks. Nor does their ability to identify their mother's smell, etc.As for feeding, sleeping schedules, the "schedule" a baby has the first couple months of a baby's life is extremely fluid, as any sleep-deprived new parent will tell you. I could not disagree more. I think it allows to make the transition gentle, instead of abrupt. I think it also helps the mom make sure she is making a well-informed choice to place, based on what she believes is best for both her baby and her. Why wouldn't you want that decision to be firm and sure? I would talk to her about having visits during that time. About possibly taking some blankets with her scent on them with you when the baby comes home with you. If you ever want to talk about how I have seen this work for all involved I would be happy to talk to you jen. This does not have to be a my way or the highway kind of situation.

I'm just curious what has happened...any updates?

I was encouraged to bring my baby home for a week by my adoption social worker. I wanted to but was afraid of what the amom would think. It is one of the biggest regrets I have - not being able to spend the time with my baby...

I really feel that you have to let go of any sense of control or entitlement you might feel you have to this child. The fact is, that the woman described in your post as a birthmother is not that. She hasn't given birth yet and until she does, and until she makes any parenting decisions about her child, whether it to be the parent or make an adoption plan, well, it's her choice. It's her baby. Tough stuff...anxiety filled stuff...the only way I got through it was to remember that it wasn't my baby until she decided it was. She was the expecting mom, not me. It was about her and her needs, not mine. That was hard for me to wrap my head around as I really desired the assurance that things would work out, but in reality, that isn't how adoption works. Really, she will need to remake this decision to place her child with you once the child is in her arms. I would allow her as much time and space that she needs to make the right decision for herself and her baby. That means it may not work out for you and for that, I am sorry. But I sure wouldn't want to be the one to tell my DD I didn't give that time and space to her first mother to make the decision she needed to make. As for the bonding... I don't think you need to worry about that. Our DD was with us from minute one and the reality was that she had already bonded with her first mother...the smells and sounds...she had to adjust even from that age. For me, it would be true gift to know my DD was able to spend time with her first mom during that time, even if it would have meant we didn't have her with us for awhile. This is tough stuff...this holding loosely to the possibility of this match. I am so sorry you are having to go through it. I hope for the best for all involved.

Advice from a bmom... i just placed my baby and only had the time we were in the hospital together. There are a LOT of "what if's" that come up every day for me, and I wonder if i should have brought him home with me. I definately think the bmom in your situation is being smart about the decision. How would you feel if she changed her mind and you had already gotten attached? Better for her to make the choice before hand and be sure its what she wants to do. Her intentions seem harmless, the worst that could happen for you is that she realizes that she can parent, but she chose to look into adoption and has gone this far for a reason so the chances of that are slim.Good luck with everything! Hope it all turns out well for you!