Letter To My Birth Parents

[font=Comic Sans MS]I like your letter. I hope that someday you will find your answers.[/font]

Thank you dish, I hope you find your answers as well. I'm not sure what's up with your user name, it tells me you're not very happy, if that's the case I pray you find some peace and happiness in your life, our lives are so darn short. I had to come back here and talk some more, for some strange reason this is helping me a bit, I think it's because everyone here is like me, we're all connected one way or another. Dear mother today it's a month from Christmas, you know I'm so sad I have so many days now where I need to cry so much, I don't know why, maybe it's my age, us females you know we can get a bit emotional, I never used to be like this, I always tried to act tough, always showed everyone nothing would bother me, no one would get to me, not today though I feel like such a wimp :confused: . The piece of paper I have with a little bit about you, not very much at all, but it says you were in the hospital for a few days because of delivering me, sorry guess I didn't really want to be born, I must have been hanging on real tight inside of you, haha, yeah I do have some kind of imagination, some days it even makes me laugh, but I think that's a good thing, just like dreaming is a good thing. You know what, my son, your grandson will soon be turning 26, Dec 17th, yep another Dec baby, I can't tell you how that felt the first time I laid eyes on him, he looked so perfect to me, he still does, I call him sweet face. I cried a lot while I carried him, my marriage well, long story, I was alone lots, I feel bad for having cried so much while I carried him, I figure that had to have affected him someway. Did you cry lots while you carried me? I have a feeling you did, you were probably so scared, I don't know any of what happened then, was my father present at all? did you have to go through that all alone? Where I grew up being my birthday was so close to Christmas most times I'd get a combined present, that was ok, no biggy, hey you could have at least had me in the summer time, grinz. I guess you could say I grew up poor, but I didn't realize it at the time, was grateful to have a roof over my head, food in my stomache and clothes on my back, still grateful for my Aparents, oh if you had of met them, you would have been totally amazed what they did. Our house was only a three bedroom bungalow, one bathroom if you can imagine, one bedroom in the basement. That house was always full with children, some stayed short term, others stayed abit longer till someone adopted them, or their parents settled their problems then they would go back. To this day I can still see my precious mother crying while a baby she'd taken care of would be taken away from her because they found a home for that child, but it wasn't long after that child would be replaced with another. My parents never stopped, always working, never went out anywhere, their lives revolved around taking care of others children, I'm smiling while I type this out, I hope if you're out there somewhere reading this, I hope you're smiling too. My heart broke when I was 18, that's when my beautiful gentle, sparkling blue eyed Dad was taken from us, it took me a long time to get over it, to accept it. I was so angry at God, how could he do that to us? I know he was needed somewhere else, in my heart I know my Dad is an angel somewhere, he gave up his life for children that weren't even him...pssst guess what he was an orphan, which helped him do something real good with his life. It's been 31 years since he was taken, it doesn't feel like it, I can still see his face, hear his voice, his laugh, love you ((((((Dad))))))) keep dancing with the angels. Sorry if I ramble on here to long, I just want you to know everything. My mother oh boy she was a strict one, she put new meaning to it, laughing here, scared she might reach down from heaven and twack me one upside the side of my head if I say the wrong thing....ha ha Mom you can't get me now...oops think I felt my chair move a bit. :evilgrin: . Anyway you would have sat in awe watching how this beautiful woman's life was, she worked from the time she got up, which was real early till she went to bed, which was late. Wringer washer, clothes line, so much clothes to wash with so many there. Not once did they ever complain, not ONCE, to this day I wonder what she was running on....oh I know I forgot for a sec, her faith kept her going. I was raised Catholic, we never ever missed a Sunday of church, or any holiday. She always seemed so happy, they never went out to dinner or even a movie, they just worked, wow eh? We had a huge garden, that meant a lot of work too, I remember them preserving most of the vegetables. Oh yeah I forgot they had three boys of their own, they are quite a bit older then I am, one has moved on, he was taken a few years ago, I hope he's found peace in his life where ever he is. Lordy don't I like to ramble, I just want you to know everything, I wish you could tell me what you've been up to, have you been happy? I sure hope so. Back to my mother, after my father died, she continued to take care of children, she slowed down not taking any more in, but a couple years after my father passed on, she got a phone call to take care of this little girl who was born with downs, so my mother agreed. I went to her house that day to help when she brought this little girl home, I was shocked when she got out of the cab and handed me this 2 year old baby...she was severly mentally challenged, this little girl her arms were flying every which way while I held her wondering what the HECK, we had no idea the shape this little one was in, I know my mother was shocked as well, we thought this little girl would be like my little brother who was born with downs too....but nope far from it. It was sad the shape she was in, all bad things came with this little body, but you know she taught us all something, she never did talk, I could go on and on about her, but I'll be here forever. Was sad though my mother was so sick near the end she had to give her up, we had her for about 6 years by then. My mother was sick for at least two years in and out of the hospital till that day the angels came and helped her move on. ((((((Mom)))))))) I love you so much and I miss you, keep dancing with the angels, I know that's what you're doing, I feel in my heart your with ((((((Dad))))))) you two were meant for each other, I know how your heart was so broke when he was taken from you, I could see it in your eyes, keep dancing you two. My mother was taken away ten years after my father, 21 years ago, it doesn't feel that long either. Anyway I just wanted you to know a bit about how my life has been, it hasn't been all that easy, but it's taught me so much. I wish I knew how your lives have been, maybe one day I will know. I want to thank you two for giving me life, I forgot to tell you that in my first letter. If I hadn't of I wouldn't have gotten to experience what I did, I have so many good memories of so many children, I wonder where they all are now, if they are happy, I sure hope so. As far as being happy, it doesn't take much for me to feel that way, I'm not a wanting person, you know the material stuff, never have been, all I want today is to see my two children safe and happy, I want my husband to open his eyes a little more to see the pain I've felt, to maybe try and understand a bit more, after all I've been going on about this forever with him...but he's a man, you know how that goes, woman are so much more different then men....hehe. Ok ok I'm done for now, I know where to come if I'm feeling real sad and I need to talk to you. I feel better doing this, yeah I know it might sound crazy, well the way I've been feeling the past few months, I've wondered about that...but I'm putting it down to hormones...woohoo for female hormones. All my love :cheer: hope you have peace in your lives where ever you are,talk again later ((dude and dudette))

Hi I'm back again. I need your help, and I hope you can feel me somewhere within yourself. I've been on a collision course a long time with my drinking, pretty much because I didn't care, being selfish with it, hard living with a drinker (an excuse). I was doing pretty good, but I slid back again, I can't do this much longer my body can't take much more. I can't do this any longer because of my children, your GRANDCHILDREN. I seen my girl the other morning, did a surprise visit, you should see how beautiful she is. That morning she wasn't looking so good, she's turning into me, DRINKING, all the more reason for me to get my act together, I know how much this hurts my children, she brought it up that she knew I had started again, I was honest with her, and didn't use any of my excuses, you see us addicts use every excuse in the book, I listened to her talk and seen the same thing, the excuses. I seen the pain in her, I know what it's like not having parents, remember I told you mine died a long time ago, I never had grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, none of that, always felt so alone. Today it hit me square in the face, I can't do this to my children, why would I do such a selfish foolish things, I know how it feels, why would I do such a thing to them. So please if you feel me today say some prayers for my children, your grandchildren. They both need me real bad, they don't have much of a family to lean on. I don't want their lives to end up like mine, having to crawl out of that ugly alcoholic hole over and over again, the pain of that gets to be unbearable. I have to tell you another thing, something that happened to me 10 months ago, in a blackout cause of my drinking I fell into a wood burning stove, 2nd degree burns on my hands, one arm and the top of one leg, not fun at all. My arm is still healing, it's a slow painful process, just like learning to live sober. You know that didn't even stop me, it woke me up more to face the fact I have a bad problem, one that is slowly killing me in every way. There's a solution to fix this, all kinds of support which I've found I just need to be more willing I suppose, and turn this all over to my HP, all of it, He does a much better job with helping me then I do ALONE. I hope you two weren't bitten by some kind of addiction, they are ugly and rotton, if you did I hope you beat it. :flower: Working hard again on keeping myself straight, sorry about telling you this, but I had to talk to you, I need your spirits close by, you both made me, the spirit that was given to me is a strong one, so that makes me think you both have strong too, and I hope today all three of them will come together, for my kids, your grandkids. Shutting my eyes, willing my spirit to find yours today. All my love...a very sad person today, but I know that can change. Talk again soon :cheer: (((dude and dudette)))

[font=Comic Sans MS]Hi Lost. I'm glad you've found this place to express your thoughts. There's something really therapeutic about putting everything on paper, so to speak, and getting your thoughts and ideas organized.[/font][font=Comic Sans MS][/font] [font=Comic Sans MS]I'm sorry you've lost both of your parents. They sound amazing and I'm sure many (100's) of people have fond memories of how their lives were touched by them. [/font][font=Comic Sans MS][/font] [font=Comic Sans MS]Silly question but...have you searched for your birthparents? I see from your profile that you live in Ontario. Me too. [/font][font=Comic Sans MS][/font] [font=Comic Sans MS]As for my user name, it's just something funny. I'm not angry or unhappy. I suppose that's just my sense of humour![/font]

Hi again dish...oh I have a sense of humor too might be a bit warped at times :D evildishrag...I had to look at that a couple times to make sure I was reading it right, lol. But you know I think I've seen some of those kinds of dishrags in some people sinks, dang hehe. Yeah I guess it has helped babbling my brains out here, not sure, might look like a nutbar to some :p Yep I'm in Ontario, small world isn't it? I never really pursued looking up the bio parents, my mother had a way of letting me feel guilty about that, but gosh darn it all I was so curious, and as I mentioned before I didn't care for the answers she did give me, I guess it must of hurt her knowing I was curious, and her not knowing it was natural to want to know, it had nothing to do with how I felt about her, I loved her, and I still do, always will, she was the one who raised me, taught me so much compassion be a huge factor in all of it, but dear mom you didn't have to be so slap happy jeepers, psssst didn't you hear, no one is PERFECT, ouch I think I felt a twack upside the head again, haha. I did call someone on the phone a couple years after my mother passed away, the woman I talked to told me to leave well enough alone, I said to her I probably had the wrong person and she said no.....anyway I let it go, I know I have to move on, it's filling that empty spot whatever it is, it's like an ache that's there all the time. Anyway I need to keep myself sober, and learn to accept things the way they are, and be extra grateful for the blessings in my life. Take care Dish, and I'm grateful you're not angry or unhappy, see that a couple more things added to my grateful list today. So on that note, I found this music page and it made me think of this... [url]http://www.ladyvett.com/ladyvettsmusiclinks/timetosaygoodbye.html[/url] Time To Say Goodbye

I never did say that to my bio parents.... Sitting here among the beauty

of the Mountains and the Sky

I dream of such possibilities

and then reality.

Perhaps now it is....

Time To Say Goodbye Later (((((dude and dudette)))) :flower: