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We have a bio daughter (7 yrs) and adopted an infant son from India this year. We are of Indian descent and our families live in India so we stayed with my inlaws for over a month with both our kids (when we went to pick ds up).
We've been home 6 months now, and for our ds's birthday we received a card signed by "Grandma" only. Our dd's birthday is a month later and her card was signed by both Grandma and Grandpa (it was my mil's handwriting but both names were written as she's done every year). We guessed that this was because my fil must've asked that she omit his name from ds's card.
This is odd to us as my fil was super-affectionate to our son when we were in India. He was against the adoption when we started the process 2 years ago but we felt he'd changed. When my dh phoned and asked why the cards had different signatures he said, "You know how I feel about the situation." My dh told him that either he treat our children the same or he won't be seeing them again. We don't think that made a difference to fil at all. :mad:
As we live in the US, it's easy to cut off access to my children. We were planning to have them visit in a couple of years or to visit them again but clearly that's no longer an option. I don't want either of my children to be hurt by this man's behavior. But I don't think it's fair to my mil as she's not the one with the problem. These are her only grandkids and I don't want her to bear the repercussions of her dh's behavior.
What would you do to keep the kids away from fil but allow mil some sort of relationship? I don't think she'd be open to defying him and seeing them on her own.
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Without knowing more, I think I'd go about your visiting schedule and contact with both of them as you originally planned.
I agree that your fil's behavior is rude and completely uncalled for. This is truly his loss. What I would find confusing, is the way he acted so well while you were visiting; yet turned away from your son months later? Have you asked him what his reasonings are?
I have a relative that 'acts' well with all of the kids....BUT......now that our two youngest are in the picture (our oldest is grown now)......it seems that he has a problem with the 'babies'. Oh, his behavior is very nice and pleasant with them; but if you watch closely, WE can see the difference, we think.
Still.......we continue on when he comes to visit. The visits are only a couple of days and he comes and goes as well.
This could be tough.......but as long as he acts the part for awhile....and knowing that your son is still an infant.....I'd give it some time. As your baby grows older, IF the behaviors are still as rude.....then this would be the time to plan accordingly. People can change in time; and while I don't think people should go into an adoption expecting those who disagree to 'change'.......you at least know that it would be sad to make your mil 'pay' for the inconsideration of your fil.
I hope this helps.....
Sincerely,
Linny
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