fooled by love and now seeking a adoption

Hello again, I agree with what Claud said above, but I do want to say that there are situations in which adoptees do live happy and productive lives with their adoptive families. I am one of those adoptees - I was placed in a closed adoption as a newborn, and my parents went on to have two bio children after adopting me. I grew up healthy and happy in a loving, wonderful, two parent home with two younger sisters, and have never regretted being adopted for one second. To that end, my birthmom has never regretted placing me for adoption either (she told me this herself). It was the right decision for both of us and we are both at peace with it. I'm not trying to paint an overly rosy picture of adoption here, as I understand very well that everyone's experience is different and for every happy adoptee like myself, there is an unhappy one who didn't have a similar experience. I'm just saying that for every unhappy adoptee out there, there also ARE happy ones. Sometimes it seems like the unhappy folks, or the ones with regrets and pain, are more vocal about seeking out public places to discuss their pain. This doesn't in any way diminish their pain, mind you, but I think that there can be a skewing towards the negative sometimes, and I don't want you to get the impression that all adoptions are bad or all adoptees are unhappy. Basically, I'm just advising you to take everything you read with a grain of salt or two, since everyone's experience is NOT the same and what is right for one person, like myself or my bmom, isn't right for another. I hope this makes some sense. I truly don't intend this to be a slam against Claud (whom I have great respect for) or any other birthparent or adoptee here on the forums who hasn't had a great adoption experience, and I don't at all want to diminish or disregard their very valid feelings of grief, regret or pain. My bmom, even though she was and is at peace with the decision that she made and has no regrets about placing me, still grieved over the loss of her first born child. Adoption being the right decision in a situation doesn't eradicate the grief of placement and loss one bit. I just wanted to speak up for the happy and contented lot of us as well. Take care, Heather

Oh, Ouch...(slam)... Seriously, Heather..I am joking..and I think that you are quite correct. Sometimes it does work out very well, sometimes everyone is OK....even in my situation, we are OK..and technically, it has worked out. For me, it just wasn't necessary. That is the hardest part. The loss was unneeded. For every story that tells of great heartbreak you can find an equal story where everyone tells of great joy. There is no absolute, no black and white..just gray. You can find evidence to support whatever position you want to support ...if you look. And honestly, just as there are happy folk who have no need to be here, I think there are many unhappy folks who have no idea that their pain is shared and they are not alone. The internet is still unchartered territory for many. But, that is the thing...it's all out there..or here rather. And they are all real. And one just doesn't know, until all is said and done, how it will be. For that reason alone, I advise to avoid it completely if one is able.

I don't think that point can be reinforced too much. Just because our relinquished children (or we) may turn out okay doesn't mean that adoption was the best choice for them or us. People can often conquer painful situations and survive and even thrive. But who knows how much better they might have been too (or worse). In my situation, I have two sons who are five years apart. They are both smart, funny, stable and fairly content young men. The younger son is married, just finished his graduate degree in business, is very confident and focused and has a very good job in a big city. The older son is unmarried, changes jobs a lot and though he appears confident, doesn't seem as comfortable in his skin as my younger son. Even though my older son wants to marry and have a family, he does not seem to have much success with relationships with the opposite sex. My sons had different dads; both were raised by single moms after divorces. One son I raised, one son I did not. So, it is hard for me not to compare the two sons and wonder - not fair I know, but still. Guess which son is the one I raised and which is the one I did not? Now it could have easily turned out the opposite way - that's my point. All I am saying is that babies are connected to their mothers and I think sometimes in adoption we do not respect, honor and try hard enough sometimes to preserve that bond. And realize that is is significant, real and important. Two parent family in the suburbs with a white picket fence, sure, that's wonderful, but, the value of a baby being able to be raised by its loving mother is not to be dismissed so quickly either. Most of us do not intend to be single moms, but, it happens - and we can still provide good lives for our children. Life is unpredictable and capable of changing drastically for the better or worse in a short period of time. So to base an adoption (which you must live with for a lifetime) on temporary circumstances which may quickly change is a risky proposition. I think we need to look to the future and consider how that decision will feel 5, 10, 30 years down the road and how our circumstances might change. There are no guarantees - placing a child for adoption does not insure a "happy", financially secure family.

ok..needed to respond to this thread. As the product of someone who had to make an adoption plan I feel I can join this discussion. I have been reading for many years and have taken in and thought about all the differnet angles . I feel for the bmoms that have had to make such a lifealtering decsion. I feel for the aparents that want nothing more then to parent. I feel more for the adoptees that were placed and didn't have good lives. But I also feel that decisons such as this need to be thought out very carefully for the sake of the child. Lack of finaces is not a reason to give up your child...unless you are unable to feed or shelter your child. That ...imo....is temporary and you are able to get help. I think the biggest determining factor is ...are you emotionally able to give to your child...are you able to put your own needs..whether it be schooling, boyfriends, time, in other words give up life as you know it now..for a child. if you feel unable or a little uncomfortable then you need to assesss what is right for the child. The child has immediate needs...He/she is unable to wait for a mother to "be ready" they need stability, they need to be put first in your life. The foster care system is filled with children that were kept and mothers were unable to give what was needed. Now these poor children are severly damaged and need adoptive parents to ...MAYBE make them whole again. That is not a judgement its a fact. In my own case....my bmom did want to keep me and did suffer pain as a result of me being adopted. But as an adult now and the more I hear about her situation at the time of my birth ...( I have recieved some letters in her own hand to her husband at the time) I realize that she was in no position to bring me up.....as much as she wanted to and as much as she loved me,which I do beleive she did,love is not enough. She herself was from a place of dysfunction, no she was not a substance abuser.she was not emotionally ready. Maybe if she had help from her mother hmmmm...her step father would not allow her children in the house......she did not have the means or whereforall to do it herself. She was 23....... I truly beleive that I was better off being placed. Did I feel a "loss" of not knowing bfamily yes.......but when it said and done I was better off with my adoptive family to give the the stability and ability to make good decsions for myself. BECAUSE THEY WERE EMOTIONLY READY TO BE PARENTS.thats what made the difference in my life. I honestly don't know what would have happened if she had kept me. I respect her decsion, have never felt angry at her and do thank God that the right decsion was made for me at the time. You know....I have come to love my bmom..after understanding her life and what she had gone through...I know it was not easy for her and I respect her for that. I feel sad that I was not able to be brought up in birthfamily,but the reality is ....adoption was the lesser of two evils at the time. for me...the person most affected by decsions made....

Speaking from experience as a young, single mother,..... I had my first child at a young age and found myself single when she was just 3 months old. Looking back I swear I don't know how I made it but I did. I sacrificed ALOT and struggled for years to provide the basics, but again I did it. I will be honest,...there have been times that I was resentful over the things I have had to sacrifice, and have often wondered over the years how our lives would have been if I had made a different choice. She will be 18 in a week and is a strong, confident young woman who is waaaaay happier than I ever was being raised by two dysfunctional parents. If you feel adoption is best for your child and want to enter into an adoption plan then I encourage you to continue researching these forums and other resources. Only you will be able to know what is "right" for you and your unborn child so don't let anyone suggest that they have all the answers, especially if the person has something to gain, like an agency or potential adoptive parent. If you are considering adoption for financial reasons or because you think you can not be a successful parent than I urge you not to doubt yourself. You can do it, just like I and countless other single mothers before you. Research heaps and you will find your answer!

hello hunny, i have some knowledge of what you are going through, i became pregnant at a very young age i was 15 when i had my son, it was an unfortunate situation, but we have to be respocible for our actions.. you know what is best, for you and your child.. If you feel adoption is the answer then thats your choice.. Mothers know what is best for there child. In my eyes being a mother is a beautiful thing... I just wanted to let you know that there is help out there.. If you ever need someone to talk to leave me a message.... god bless you and your choice..

i feel no one is ready to be a parent untill the child is here, being a mother dose not come with instructions...tonyia

Hello, I first want to say that I am sorry you are experiencing this pain. I can't say that I know what you are going through, just that I can only imagine. As I am sure you are aware by now, there are options to consider and I pray that you are guided in the right direction for what's best for your baby AND you. I am married, living in Michigan and we are looking to adopt. We appreciate the gift that many give by placing their child up for adoption. It certainly isn't an easy choice for anyone to make, but it is an incredibly unselfish act of love for the child and it also gives couples like us an opportunity we might not otherwise have. Just the thought of you even considering adoption, warms my heart, no matter what choice you end up making. I sincerely pray that the doubt lessens and you gain the strength you will need for whatever that choice is. I want to encourage you to do some research before making any decision. There are plenty of websites that can help you in this choice, as well as adoption websites where you can look for adoptive parent profiles, helping you get an idea of the families that are looking for a child. Perhaps if you look through those, you might get a better idea of how comfortable you would be in placing your child, if that's what you choose to do. I would also suggest, as I'm sure most people have, that you receive some counseling, either through a licensed and unbiased professional, your church or family and friends. I know you will find the answer that is best for you and your child. I hope and pray that this journey be as smooth as possible and that you encounter positive influences along the way. God Bless!

I would suggest finding an agency with your value system (they attract adoptive parents that share that value system). For example, if you're Catholic find an agency that is supported or run by the catholic church...even if not officially. Secondly, immerse yourself in counseling! Don't get talked into an adoption before you've fully considered the facts. Remember, you can always place later, but you can't reverse a placement. Make sure that what you're doing is the right thing, and don't get pressured into signing any paperwork or placing your son into anyone's home before you're sure and ready. Meet parents as soon as possible. The longer you know them before your baby is born the stronger a relationship you will forge. It helps tremendously when you already have a friendship in the making instead of trying to start one at a placement. Consider a fully open adoption. Most agencies might boast of open adoptions but really only offer semi-closed ones. When birthparents and adoptive parents share all their identifying information and start a relationship great things happen! Besides, as long as you aren't a threat to your child (which of course you aren't) an open adoption is probably in his best interest- birthmothers and adoptees alike would kill for the chance to place into an open home. From a birthmother's perspective (well, from my perspective) it is much more healing, fulfilling and reassuring to be able to see my daughter on a regular basis. I am not her parent, no, but I can see her growing up, I can see her smile, I can hug her and tell her I love her- and so can her adoptive parents. She and her brother (who is also adopted) eat it all up and couldn't be more overjoyed about the situation. I would also encourage you to name your baby, keep all the records you can (adoptive parents recieve their own copy of all the paperwork they need from the state, agency or issuer) and take home all momentos, hospital records (you have to specifically order those), receiving blankets, bracelets and pictures that you can. Make the hospital YOUR time. Limit visitors to maybe one hour in the entire stay (I promise- trust me). It's your only time to be just mom to that baby and you will treasure that time in your heart forever. It may feel selfish to not share more of that time, but the Adoptive Parents should understand, and they also have that baby for the next 20 years (as well as complete control over your relationship with him). It is fair to keep him for only yourself for 2 or 3 days before going home. Also, I would reccomend not signing anything in the hospital and taking your baby home with you like any other mother who left the hospital. Make a friend or family member take a million pictures even if the adoption is an open one. Take that time after his birth just for you two. I breastfed and had my daughter sleep right on my chest the whole time I was in the hospital- it was fantastic. I'm sorry, I'm getting on a soapbox. Be careful, get informed of all your options regarding parenting and adoption and don't be too hasty either way. Pray, think, pray and pray some more. I asked God for a clear answer...and while He waited until the last minute to tell me...I did get one. I hope He will bless you with the same clear answer. He's already giving you a blessing of a child- even if it's in circumstances some might not consider optimal. He chose you to carry and protect this baby- and what a marvelous job you are doing! Only you can give him life- and that is a gift never forgotten. Now, as his mother, you have the responsibility and priveledge of figuring out what is best for him...and don't forget, there could be more than one option. Pray and God bless you.

Amen to that! When my daughter was considering adoption for her son, open adoptions were the norm but all of the couples that she met were obviously being coached to offer as little as possible (photos one or two times a year). When she asked about visits, the response was "well, we really didn't have visits in mind when we decided on an open adoption but maybe we can work something out". What's open about that!?? When she asked about visits for grandparents, they really flipped out. We could not help but feel that most "open" adoption situations were just scams to get babies and that we would never see her son after birth. We found only one couple through friends who had embraced what we thought open adoption really was supposed to be, but they had just adopted #2. lilifelover - Great advice! Happy G'Ma

It is worth the search to find honest, loving couples out there willing to engage in a personal, face-to-face relationship with you- the birthfamily! Me, my brother (whom the kids call 'Uncle'), my parents and any extended family that happen to be around when we get together are all included in my daughter's life. No, it wasn't always easy, but we did find a family that were willing to embrace a complete and full set of families for their child! When I'm home from school we get together several times for lunch, dinner, shopping or just for fun. I make trips during back home as often as possible when I'm away just to see them and spend special days with everyone. Me and my family is a welcome fixture in their lives. When the kids go to bed at night I stay up with the APs and we play card games, share stories and have a great time. My parents (the birth-Grandparents) are also welcome, included and get together with my daughter's family even when I'm not available! I promise- it's worth the search. It's worth the work. It's worth the openness. You should see those kids shine...my life is better because I have them in it and can be ther to have a relationship with my daughter and her family and theirs is better too-they've admitted it!

lilifelover, thank you so much for sharing your experiences. It gives me hope--that's pretty much the kind of relationship my husband and I are hoping for. I really can't tell you what it means to read something like this. Thank you for sharing your story.

I just wanted to echo that I, too, think you should seek independent counseling, to make sure you know what ALL of your options are, so that you can make the decision that you feel in your heart is the right one. Open adoption is becoming more the norm, so I would encourage you to find out all you can about the various adoption choices available, as well as parenting options available (i.e. financial assistance if that is what you need). But in the end, make the decision you feel in your heart is the right one.

I just want to tell you to hang in there. The road might be hard ahead but I believe you have made the right decision and will be blessed for it. My husband and I recently lost our baby girl and have found great comfort in reaching out to others. hang in there and you'll find the comfort you deserve.FAith Chapman

I have the highest respect and admiration for you for considering adoption. It shows your maturity, your love for your baby, and your desire to give your baby the best life possible.