Birth parent complaints.....

Since I have seen S, I know that she is not FAT, but a beautiful baby. The Mother and CW are both wrong! Why did the CW even discuss stupid comments? If you put her in clothes that are way to big, they would complain about that too! Hang in there!

we actually had to go to a court hearing to have my fs hair cut.It really intefeard with his vision & he looked like a girl.2 days before the hering he feel off the porch pushing one of his toys & got 5 stiches.I was so upset because I felt like it made me look irresponsible BUT it turned out to be a great help for the judge.

i have fosterd 3 of the same bmom's children. with the first 2, she was always greatful for everything and how the kids looked. i adopted the oldest one, the middle one went to bfather relatives and now i am fostering to adopt the youngest one. i got the baby on a friday night (she was 6 weeks old). her head was full of cradle cap and it took me weeks to get it out. she had a visit after i had only had the baby 4 days. she complained about the cradle cap, scratches on her feet (that were not visable to the cw), not having socks on with a full sleeper (there were other things i just can't remember). after that, i had the sw document her condition at the daycare before he picked her up for visits. i was afraid that she would do something to her and then claim that is how she arrived at the visit.

I'm tempted to put the 24 m size clothing on her for the next visit, and then see if "mom" complains about them hanging off her.....

I think the complants from bio parents are a natural thing. They think we are taking over. I had a parent complain that i didn't have a tv. She told sw..( my baby don't get to watch his favorite cartoons) he was 13mths old, and NOT walking. SW told her, well if she want's to make it harder on herself let her. mom had no reply. Now I TRY to munipulate them by making them think I ask there advise before i do things. I know they fill out of the loop, but they are the ones who put themselves in that place. Mom had a big proublem with me until sw told her I wasn't pre-adopt and had no desire to adopt, i'm stright foster. Now she is a little more respectful, and doesn't complain as much. SW know how these parents are so i try not to worry about it, butt it is so frusterating to do your best , just to have them complain, i don't think any of us can do it right in there eyes Good luck, and keep up the good work.

I have my own "list" of complaints which I'll never verbalize to the mother, but I can post here: Dear "T," 1. I am raising two of your children. I've had S since birth and B since June. Both are thriving in my care. 2. S was removed because you failed to properly care for her siblings B, D, and T. 3. B is doing exceptionally well, despite the lack of stimulation, nutrition, and love which caused him to be removed from your care. He's exceptionally bright, loving, and developing well since coming into foster care. None of his developmental delays were permanents (thank you, Lord). 4. S has never suffered any of the deprivation her brothers endured. She's thriving and on target. This is something her brothers weren't fortunate enough to have in your care. 5. B was afraid of you. He screamed and cried during visitation because of the way you spoke to him. Your "pet names" for him were 4-letter words. S and B will never know such things in my home. 6. Despite all the efforts and services, you didn't bother getting it together for B, D, and T for the last five years. I don't think you deserve a chance with S, at all. 7. S is a special child. In our home, she is loved and adored. Our family enjoys her greatly and she is a person of value. Throughout the last nine months, you've treated her more like a baby doll to be dressed up and shown off. 8. You don't realize S and B are persons of value. To you, she's merely a prize to be won because "she's mine, I had her." You didn't get it with B, and you won't get it with S. 9. You've carelessly created four children. Did you think about, before you engaged in the act that conceived them, how you'd care for them? Did it occur to you that fathers might be a good thing? Or, knowing who the father is might help you explain a lot later on? 10. If reunification happens, I worry for S. Your lifestyle won't change, and S will suffer. There will continue to be a parade of undesirable men in and out of your bedroom. I worry they will abuse S in various ways, without going into detail. DSS tells me I shouldn't worry because parental rights are "SACRED." They only have to meet "minimal" safety measures before you'll get S back. That scares me. I'm truly worried one of your loser boyfriends will dropkick S into a wall. It happened to a little girl last year in our town.... DSS claimed no responsibilty, of course. 11. You S's "BIOLOGICAL" mother, and B, D, and T's. Though I respect that much, I fail to see why this entitles you to any further services. Your rights to B were TPR'd only 8 weeks before S was born. It's merely a legal technicality, YOUR FAILURE TO ANSWER COURT NOTICE, that got allowed you to be given services for S. I envy your dumb luck, really I do. 12. DSS will continue, ad nauseam, to kiss your collective posterior at taxpayer expense. You will continue to get counseling, parenting classes, financial advice, bus passes, and yadda, yadda, yadda until the social worker hopefully "gets it." Equatorial Africa may experience a glacieral deepfreeze before this happens, but with God anything is possible. Once in a while, we see a glimmer of hope, but it quickly slides beneath her "enabler" exterior. SIGH. 13. Though you receive disability, the courts don't require you to pay child support. That REALLY irks me. If you had a penis, they'd make you pay, whether you could or not. 14. Despite having four children, you selfishly continue to spend money on yourself. I overheard you talking to your advocate about buying, "this, this and that." My daughter has seen you at the mall buying clothing, shoes, and jewelry. You treated yourself to a big meal, too. (So, why was B malnourished, anyway?) You couldn't find anytime to get "your" daughter a Christmas present of any kind. Nice. But, that's okay, my family will take care of this because we love her and B. Don;'t worry, if DSS is stupid enough to give S back, all this and more will be sent with her. I'd never dream of not providing for my child. 14. You applied for housing (sorry, you were talking so loudly in the hallway about your personal life, everyone could hear) in the most drug-infested area of our city. Doesn't S deserve better? 15. Next time we are thrown together for whatever reason, you might consider NOT advertising your personal business for all to hear. I really didnt' need to know THAT much. It was awkward and extremely inappropriate. 16. Your advocate should be more professional and less of an enabler. 17. I have a long list of complaints, concerns, and fears for S. DSS doesn't care. Lucky you. 18. My family had to bend over backwards, sideways, through the middle, jump a couple of hurdles, and go through some hoops to get licensed just for the privilege of adopting B and fostering S. We live in a fish bowl and have to cross every "T" and dot every "I." You only have to meet "minimal" standards. Pathetic. 19. Please put the stuff back in the diaper bag neatly. I take the time to wash, fold, and arrange it for you every week even though I think you should be doing this, as it's a really your responsibility. If you decide to start feeding S at the visits, don't send her back messy and then complain about it. Also, I am not going to wash the bibs for you. Nope, nope, nope. That's when the social worker and I are going to talk. Also, I'm not going to provide baby food, too. I'm already paying for diapers, wipes, and providing a bottle for S. You want to play "mother of the year," once a week for an hour, then walk the walk. By the way, S is currently in 6/9 months, slightly growing into 12 months. The clothes you sent won't fit for another year. If you needed to know her clothing size, there's a tag in the back. You've got an entire hour to look. The shoes are too small and hurt her feet. I don't buy laces with shoes for a baby, as it's a strangulation hazard. She can untie them already! 20. It annoys me you have the audacity to complain about my care of S when you've contributed NOTHING to this child's life, save giving birth. Do you think S is too fat because you starved B so badly? :grr: Despite your complaints, I will continue to be nice and swallow every bit of this because I truly LOVE S and B, and I always will. No matter what, S will always be my daughter. No amount of "SACRED PARENTAL RIGHTS" will change this. Lastly, I pray every evening for the strength to deal with the challenges, and forgiveness for my anger with you, and for some kindness in my thoughts toward you. I pray He will intervene in the hearts and minds of the judges, social workers, and those involved in the case. I pray that S will always be safe, loved, and care for wherever she may be.

KIKIAMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!You said it for us all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I second that! And I would put S in the clothes she brought! Maybe that would shut your CW up!

Uggh. I had the same thing happening at visits. The SW explained it was a defensive reaction on the part of the birth mom. She was trying to prove to herself and to the SW that she was a good mom. I decided to let the birthmom do the parts she could do in visit, accommodate the things I could accommodate, and let the rest slide. So for the nail clipping issue, I told her that I was happy to hand over that responsibility to her, and from now on, I wouldn't clip his nails any more and she could do it at visit. (Of course, she never brought clippers, so in the end, I just started doing it again with no comment.). Try not to take it personally. It's not really a critique of you. It's defensive for them.

I am so glad that you posted on this topic. I have recently been involved in a situation where my 3 month old fd's caseworker has felt the need to report every one of mom's RIDICULOUS complaints to me word for word. My opinion is, that if the complaint does not cause the worker to be concerned about my caregiving, they should not share it with me. What is to be gained? I called this worker's supervisor and he agreed with me. Not only that, but when I questioned her about why she thought that mom should be allowed to attend every medical appointment with the baby and I, unsupervised, she said, "There ARE foster parents who will agree to that." OH, brother! I have bent over backwards for the kids in my care....but that is another story. These caseworkers need to get a grip!

Kiki.....DITTO. You know, I have left some visits with my tongue bleeding - because I have had to bite my tongue so much!!!! I swear this is why my dental bills (we have NO dental insurance) have gone up sooo much since my dear hubby and I became foster parents!!! I have bit my tongue and I have bit down on my front teeth sooo much, that my front, top two teeth are chipping!!!! Let's see, Gregory's parents didn't "remember" that he was scared of spiders (he told them in many supervised visits) so.....what kind of costume did they buy him for Halloween.....you guessed it.....a spiderman costume - which he refused to wear. Let's see, Gregory is a boy and he wears size five BOYs diapers. What do birthparents put on him.....size four girls diapers. And.....they don't even put them on right. I have communicated with the birthparents regarding how much water Gregory needs during these in-home supervised visits - he drinks a lot. But.....they don't seem to give him near enough water and I actually bring bottles of water with me. When I put him in the car (from these visits) - he goes right for his drink. One time, he was so thirsty, that he drank a full cup (9 oz) of water and then wanted more. So, I gave him more. He actually "threw-up" because he was so hot and drank so much. His birthparents could call on the day of his birthday party (first time they had ever called our house) to tell us that they couldn't make his party because they were sick - but - they made it to visitation the next day. These parents couldn't call on Thanksgiving (I had Gregory call them the next day). Nor did they call at all this week to wish their son a Merry Christmas. I invited the parents to our home a few weeks ago when Gregory was sick (he was sick for over a week). They never came. I could go on......but.....I won't because I know that I can't change anything and I know that some foster parents don't take care of their foster kids the way they should. I also know that correcting the fp's is the only way that some bparents can feel "control" in a situation where they really have no control. Right or wrong.....that's just the way things are. Christina

I understand the complaints, been there. But I have really made an effort to befriend Bmoms and I think its paid off. I talk and hug some of them when I see them in the waiting areas and listen to their stories. Its so much easier for me to have them like me even if its a front. I know they still want to feel in control of their kids. Our little 5 month old now may be coming permenantly to us because mom likes us. Glad I bit my tongue when I wanted to scream.

Foster parents and bio parents are allowed little to no contact in our state. For me to speak to bio mom without the social worker present or her knowledge would constitute a breach of confidentiality and protocol.

I'm glad I don't have to deal with any of this. I only see Mom at family counciling sessions, and I've always been polite with her. But if she started giving me grief, I might hit the roof.

Kiki, You have said everything that all of us as mothers feel...when I say mothers, I don't mean a female that has given birth to a child...it is so much more than that. We are not approved yet for foster care, but are in the works. I know that we are in for some experiences. Your post was poignant...touching. It will either scare potential families off, or make them realize what a serious commitment that we are making. God has blessed so many women with children and they don't treat it as such, or see the blessing. Children shouldn't have to suffer because of it. Once again, you just don't know how much your post has meant to me...I pray that you will end up with your precious S forever...God knows it is where she should be. Too bad that our DSS (DHS in our area) doesn't have the same grasp of reality. My prayers will be with you.