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I'll start from when I was 12 years old so it will make a bit more sense with my reasoning.
When I was 12 and my sister was 15 she had a steady boyfriend by whom she feel pregnant and when my parents found out they were furious. They insisted she had an abortion and made sure she split up from her boyfriend despite them wanting to keep the baby. He was working so could have afforded to support my sister and their baby.
Fast forward 6 years and I got myself into a serious relationship resulting in us getting engaged. Unfortunately he changed slowly becoming possessive and jealous so although he didn't physically abuse me he did emotionally. I couldn't look at another man let alone talk to any I knew, except his friends whom he trusted, without him kicking off. At the time I lost count of the times I was accused of flirting or fancying other men. In early 1981 we split up basically because his jealousy got the better off him and shortly afterwards I knew I was pregnant. I knew it would be a waste of telling my ex boyfriend he was the father as he wouldn't have believed me.
I kept quiet long enough so that my parents couldn't force me to have an abortion like they did with my sister. It had crossed my mind once but I couldn't go through with it as I wanted my baby. I was working so could afford to keep my baby financially as well emotionally wanted to keep him.
When my parents found out they went ballistic as it was too late for me to have an abortion so they were adament he was to be adopted. Nothing was discussed nor did I agree with them and they went ahead with making arrangements. The first time I saw a case worker was after I had my son on the 3rd August 1981 and I admitted that I didn't want him adopted, that it was my parents who were adament about this. She promised to put a stop to the adoption and that she would support my decision. However she did persuade me to let my son go into foster care until I got sorted and not to see him in case I decided adoption was the best option. My one act of defiance was to go and see him in the nursery and to hold him for a while which I have always been glad I did. I was in hospital for about a week as I was ill so asked to see my son again but was told I was too ill to see him. Later I found out he had already been moved to another hospital so I couldn't have seen him anyway.
The weeks went by and I still wanted to keep my son but my parents started putting more pressure on me as the case worker had told them how I felt. They used lines like I couldn't work and look after my son, I couldn't afford child care, they would make sure I would lose my job, that I would be homeless and that if I was living on the streets my son would be taken away from me. When he was 6 weeks old I was told it was too late to put a stop to the adoption which I naively believed so that was it.
For the next 23 years my son wasn't talked about although I never forgot about him. I got married on the 20th November 1993 although unfortunately we haven't had any children. In early 1999 I had a falling out with my family as my sister had told some particularly nasty lies about me and my husband. In the August my son started searching for me and found my family quite quickly. However by this time I had moved so they quite honestly told him they didn't know where i was.
In late 2001 I got back in contact with my parents as I felt it was time to try and bridges as they are elderly and frail. I still refuse to have anything to do with my sister as she still tells lies about me. In August 2004 my husband and I thought it would be fun to join [url]www.genesreunited.com[/url] which is a British based site for people researching there family trees. After I had put all the details that I could I realized my details had been entered by my son as he was a member using the names I had given him. I emailed him without a second thought then panicked about it. He responded quite quickly and we have been in reunion since. I was very upset to find out that my parents hadn't told me that they had contact with him or let him know where I was, Their excuse was that they didn't know if my husband knew about my son yet my sister had told him about my son years ago. All I can assume is that my sister didn't tell my parents what she had done. However because of their silence my son thought I didn't want to know him and that my family were covering for me though he knows that isn't true now.
The past 17 months has been eventful but I wouldn't change it for anything as I am thankful to know my son is alive and well. During this time we have found out why I haven't conceived and it's my husband who has the "problem" not me. After a lot of talking and discussion we have chosen to adopt if we can as there is still a slim chance I could conceive but we really do want to adopt no matter what happens.
Pip :flower:
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Thanks for sharing your story, Pip. There are some eerie similarities between our stories. I, too, kept my pregnancy a secret until there was NO denying it out of fear of my parents making me get an abortion. Somehow, I just KNEW that would be their solution to my "problem". Abortion was WRONG, WRONG, WRONG for anybody else, but wouldn't have been for me. Sure enough, they were SO mad that I had passed the time when it was "safe" to get an abortion. From that moment on, decisions were made FOR me, without so much as a consultation. Apparently, I was no longer involved... I was sent off to a home for unwed mothers, kept in secret hiding, not allowed to return home until I did what they wanted. "IT" was never discussed again. Just a short while ago, my mother told me she didn't understand why I was still "dwelling" on this 25 years later... I am only JUST NOW starting to come to terms with my emotions and feelings about a life-altering decision that was made for me 25 years ago. When I started coming to these forums and realizing that I had just tapped into the most incredible group of people that I had ever come in contact with - people who knew exactly how I felt and WHY I felt that way!!! To let out that huge sigh of relief in knowing that I was not alone was liberating. Thank you, all of you, for being the voice of reason sometimes, the Devil's advocate sometimes, a shoulder to cry with sometimes, etc!!!!! Thanks, Tammi
Hi Pip and Tammi, I too was sent to a home and never given any choices. Pip knows my story and I to have found so much comfort on the forums. I have begun to starting to come to terms with my emotions. In March it will be 35 years and some days my emotions really run high. I have found my birthdaughter and she is in what I have learned is called "pull back". I just keep praying that one day we will get to meet. I have a wonderful husband who is supporting me all the way through this. We have three sons, two daughter in laws and two grandsons. My two grandsons are expecting a baby sister in February. I just cant wait to hold that baby girl and remember what is was like 35 years ago as I did get to see and hold my daughter. My father made my decisions for me and he is still alive as of this day he has never mentioned it or had any remorse for it. I am an only daughter and he is ill and I had to move him with us. What a time I have having to care for a person that really hurt me and shows no remorse. This is hard. My mother died in 1980 and I believe this decision had a lot to do with her early death. I am so thankful for the forums and I am able to put so many of my feelings into print and have found many wonderful people in the same situation as I am. I sometimes wonder how many birthmothers were put in the same situation and never given a choice and whether their parents showed any remorse. I wish my father would show some remorse before something happens to him, but I don't think he ever will. Lillian
Lillian, I, too, have parents who never showed any remorse for what they made me do. My father passed away in 1991, but he never once spoke of this again after all was said and done. And my mother just asked me a short while ago, "Why are you still dwelling on this 25 years later?" As if 'this' ever goes away!!! I was given no options, no counseling, no post-delivery follow-up, etc. Until I stumbled across these forums, I had never even MET another woman in my situation, let alone had one to talk to about it... My mother wants to act as if she just swept her grandson under the rug and forgot about him being there. I have a hard time understanding the ability to do that... Thanks again for the place to come and be, well.... me! Tammi
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It is hard at times dealing with the lack of remorse from our parents. I couldn't understand my parents attitude towards me relinquishing particularly over them thinking I would get over it and that I would forget him. At times I felt like asking them how they would have felt if they had relinquished either my sister or me but I doubt if they would have answered me.
My parents have never been remorseful for lying to my son for years and denying they knew where I was. Nor are they remorseful towards me for not telling me they had contact with him. I just can't understand why they believe their behaviour has been acceptable.
Pip :flower:
Pip, Thank you soooooo much for sharring your story.... There is so much that I want to say but don't really know how to frase it. I am so sorry that you had to go through something like that. Nobody should ever have to go through what you did. (I can't stop crying)... I am glad though that you and your son had rekindled(sp) your relationship. M-
My god I read your story In disbelief and then I realized. How similar our storys are. My mother shows no remorse she just said she thought I would get over it. Its shocking some peoples inability to comprehend what effect their actions have on us. I didn't realize that other people felt like I did, had been through similar situations. After being isolated in my pain for so many years. I would like to say it is a comfort but it isnt at the moment. I have only just started to search for my son. I am so pleased for your eventual positive outcome with yours lots of love Maggi
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