regrets

Hi Sheila, I'm so sorry that you and your husband had to go through what you went through with the natural mother; I too, had a similar experience with my natural mother a few years back....and even though the feeling of rejection lingers a little bit now and then...the sting from the pain has almost gone away....and I hope that in time...your husband will feel better...sometimes what we search for is not what we find...I hope that he is able to build on the relationship with his brother and his wife....and I'm sorry that you have to be the brunt of his anger....nobody should have to deal with another's anger in this manner....I wish you all the love and patience while you are going through this situation....Brenda

Hi Sheila,I feel for both you and your husband. I fully agree with all the others who say that you should not have to bear the brunt of his anger. Perhaps the following web site might provide some helpful insights [url="http://www.bensoc.org.au/parc_search/partnersads_fp.html"]http://www.bensoc.org.au/parc_search/partnersads_fp.html[/url] As for your regrets about suggesting that your husband start searching, I can understand that you feel so regretful. However, I hope that you don't feel guilty (ie. take on responsibility for his feelings/reactions). I'm of the full belief that others can make suggestions to me, but ultimately I am the one who makes the final decision AND takes responsibility about what I do or don't do. It sounds like you're in a very rough situation and I'd highly recommend that you seek in-person support from local groups, counsellors, etc; Do whatever you can to take care of yourself - you'll be in a much better position to support your hubby in this rocky journey.

Wow, I have not checked this thread in a while and I didn't realize I had this many replies! I appreciate all of your comments. I would like to say that things are a little bit better since we have now met his brother and his family. We actually have visited them twice and they are the most wonderful people you could ever imagine. It has been such a blessing for my husband to finally be greeted with total acceptance and unconditional love from his brother. In fact, his brother actually had to do his own contact veto claiming he wanted to be excluded from his mothers veto and that he wanted no restrictions on how we made contact! His wife and daughters are angels and we plan to get together regularly! thank you jesus

Hi Sheila! I followed this thread back when it was active. I'm so happy to hear your update! That is awesome that his brother and family have welcomed you into their circle!I've said it before, and I'll say it again : I can't even BEGIN to understand why some Bmoms adamently deny contact...no matter what trauma may have ensued from the pregnancy (and believe me, I know trauma!), it was not the child's fault... To take it out on them, all these years later, is something that I can't fathom... To at least acknowledge...but this one...threatens legal action. After I typed that last sentence, I sat here in front of my computer for 5 minutes, trying to figure out what to say about that...and I can't think of a response that's printable... Hope things continue to go well with your hubby and his brother! Thanks for the update! Hugs, Tammi

Thanks Tammi, My husband was born in 1957, so that explains alot about her attitude. I did some researching on my own and his adoption situation definitely has some circumstances that leave alot of questions unanswered! I could go on and on but it would take forever. The "alleged father" is very well known in his community and did not know about the pregnancy?! Congratulations to you and your boy!

Yes, Sheila... sometimes it seems that the longer ago the adoption took place, the more likely it is that there are secrets and deceit... Two really bad things to live with...Thanks on the congrats! I just found out last week that he is my son, and that my search is over! We've talked on the phone and are getting together pictures to send to each other. It's very exciting! Look forward to more from you! Hugs, Tammi

Hmmm, I don't get it... why would that have anything to do with her attitude? :confused: Why do you think this is? There seems to be a lot of secrets and deceit about all of this 'placing' stuff, not just with older bmothers! :confused: Do you think what you're talking about in the above statements is a common belief.... that older bmoms are less apt to want to reunite with their children? :confused: JMO, but I think you're generalizing by making those statements. I'm sure you didn't mean to hurt anyone, but there are enough problems in reunions without making blanket statements about people just because of a bad experience by one person. :(

You're right, of course, Sunny. I apologize for the generalization. I usually don't do that... And Lord knows I know there have been enough secrets and deceit in so many placings. I didn't mean to make that blanket statement, and I apologize. Tammi

Thanks, Tammi... I didn't think you meant to 'dis' anybody. We're a diverse bunch and we gotta stick together, right? ;)

Sunny, you're so right - we do need to stick together! This is the one place that I can be myself in this whole process, and not worry about being judged, but will take the knuckle rap when I've said something insensitive. Thanks for pointing out my generalizations...duly noted! Tammi

I, as well meant no harm in my generalization. I was talking about the way adoption and these women who were unwed were treated. I've been on these forums for quite some time and the women who placed in the 50's and 60's are more likely going to not want a reunion than adoptions of the 80's and 90's, mainly because unwed mothers were viewed a little more harshly. I feel sure that my husbands ** loved him dearly but has kept that secret for so long that it is too painful to face now! I empathize with her and I hope we've caused her no pain. Sheila

I was referring to the way unwed mothers were viewed and treated in the 50's and 60's in comparison to today. I empathize with her because she must be unable to dig up the past and deal with the memories. It is a fact that more reunions take place with more recent adoptions. I just wish she were able to realize that times have changed a little and that no one is judging her. I also think that she was extremely hurt by the birth dad.

sorry, i didn't see my first post. Heartened, that is a good point and i thought that myself but i'm sure of the diagnosis

A generation or two ago, the name of the game was shame. One of my mother's arguments about pre-marital sex, was that she would never have done anything to shame her parents. (Well... that argument didn't work for me!) Personally, as a bmother I can't imagine not wanting to meet or get to know my bson, and I don't know this bmothers reasons, but I can imagine a person so damaged by what she went through that she's unable even to begin to deal with the idea. Perhaps it became such a secret that she can't face opening it up. How sad for both bmom and son. I hope that your husband will have the opportunity to get to know his brother. Probably the most positive part of my reunion so far is the relationships that are developing between my bson and his 2 (half siblings.) Of course, my younger two have known since they were in their teens that they had an older brother. Blessings!Kathy

He has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, which was probably caused partly by his am. Sheila ... PLEASE get your husband re-diagnosed by a counselor who actually has experience/knowledge of adoption issues. I say this only because it's not unusual for adoptees to be mis-diagnosed as borderline personality because the symptoms of borderline mimicks in many ways feelings/issues adoptees experience throughout their entire lives simply because of all the feelings/issues they have to deal with in being adopted. MANY adoptees are misdiagnosed as borderline when they see counselors who don't understand the issues. If you have never read anything about adoption, read Nancy Verrier's "The Primal Wound" and "Coming Home to Self" books ... she is an adoptive mother and licensed psychotherapist who has done lots of research on adoption issues and IMO understands adoption issues very well. She specifically mentions this in her book ...that adoptees are misdiagnosed as borderline when in fact they are just dealing with adoption-related issues, i.e. anger, loss, grief, sadness, etc. The difference between borderline and adoption-related issues is often hairline because they are so close, however, what makes the difference between being one versus the other is HOW the person got there in the 1st place, i.e. got to be borderline or having adoption-related issues and they are very different in that way.