confusing feelings with open contact

(((mom2GRLC))) I'm sorry this happened. I can't imagine having to explain the disappointment to your daughter. What could you possibly say to make it okay without having to lie? We can't say the truth, that she forgot or she was too tired. A child won't understand that. I sorry you were disappointed and am now in this position of having to protect your daughters feelings as well as your's. This is all so very hard. :grouphug:

Grrr, I'm sorry too that you are giving her all these opportunities that some birth moms would love to have, and she's not taking advantage of them. For your daughter to be dissappointed has to be hurtful for you too. But, please know that you ARE doing the right thing by offering her these opportunities! What she does with those chances though is out of your control. I guess you must gauge how many chances in the future on how your daughter handles those missed times that she doesn't keep her hurt. But, unless it is too bad for your daughter, dissappointments are a part of life - reality. Children need to learn how to deal with reality. I'm sorry she's like she is though - for your sake and your daughters. And I wish that you had more support to be generous and open with her. It is the right thing to do.

This week has just been building with ....grrrr...frustration!!! She canceledthe first planned visit(choosing sleep over visiting her bdaughter). She probably would not have even showed up if i hadn't have called her that morning. She was late to the visit we had tuesday (because they slept in) and my daughter had a hard time emotionally and wouldn't practice with her class, she just stood there. I told her it would be best if we didn't plan anymore visits to go to her dance/gymnastics class because she wasn't able to learn anything from her class, she agreed. I let her pick either wednesday or friday to join us at the library for a play/learning group they have and she choose Friday. Our plan was to meet there for class, then play outside of read some books and then depending on how they were all behaving either go to the other play group they would have (30min later) or go out to lunch. Well, we went but she didn't show up and she didn't even call to say she wasn't coming. I need to talk to her about this to let her know it is unexceptable , and my daughter/family don't deserve to be treated like that. I just don't know how, without letting her really have it....maybe I should wait a few days to cool off first. How do i talk to her about this?

You're all adults, yes? If bmom wants to have a positive relationship with this child then she needs to step up and act like a responsible adult. Being active in the life of a child, any child, is a priviledge! Sometimes I think we adults want to always avoid making waves when conflict is a normal and healthy part of life, an essential part of forming a group. Bmom's inconsistency is NOT acceptable but maybe she feels like she has to agree to all these things (whether she can make it or not) to show she's interested in contact? Just be honest with her! It's OK to tell her not to commit to something that she can't do. It's OK to tell her that it upsets both you and the child. It's OK to say that there may be consequences (e.g. some cooling off period for visits) if the no-shows continue. In the mean time, try to play down the presence of bmom at outings so if she shows, great, and if not, dd won't know the difference. Getting her hopes up only to have them dashed is just plain wrong.:(

she may not be aware of how this is impacting your child. I think honesty is the best policy. someone needs to tell her that she's getting her child's hopes up and that's not good. she may have issues she's working thru (like how difficult it is to visit, etc) but she needs to work them thru with someone (counseling or something). good luck!

I have spoken with her family as well as her. I didn't want to get into an arguement on the phone(I can get all my feelings out better by writing them down) so I told her i would write her an e-mail. I sent it to her last night but so far no response. I'm hoping I hear back from her, but realize I probably won't. She rarely responds to letters/e-mails that I write her and if she does it is only maybe a sentence or two and usually pretty vague =0( My daughter was already upset with her(from all the previous stuff)and I almost cried when she told me. "I don't want to see M anymore she is mean to me she makes me sad. I want to see my grandma she makes me happy."

That is so telling and so incredibly sad! I hate it when kids are treated this way. I hope she's able to accept your constructive criticism for what it is. So sad for you and dd.

Well, I tried to keep it as positive as possible but also had to let her know that this subject of keeping her commitments is absolutely crucial if she wants an open relationship and why. These visits I offered weren't even in our plans for this year. They were just extras(because i thought it would be a positive thing for all of us....obviously I was very wrong). So I did mention to her that I do not feel obligated to offer her anymore for the remainder of her visit this time(I think she is here for another week). That our next visit will be in May as we have previously planned. I'm sure she will be upset, but what does she expect....I have to do what is right for my daughter and right now my daughter has had enough dissapointment/rejection(3 times in 5 days!!!!) =0( If she really wanted to see her(this time around) than she should have kept her commiments this week and I would have been eager to have several more visits before she leaves.

Your daughter's bmom's behavior is very typical of a recovering addict (I volunteer with a recovery ministry. I know a lot of addicts). I'm not in the least surprised that she chose sleeping in over seeing her daughter; the inability to see beyond the moment, and the inability to see how one's actions affect others? Typical. She may even be avoiding a lot of contact because the intense emotions make it tempting for her to use, or because she's having a hard time dealing with the fact that it was her actions (not the court, and not you--quit feeling guilty) that cause her child to become someone else's daughter. So just protect your daughter and keep your promises as far as contact. I wouldn't go out of my way to create more opportunities, in your shoes. Confronting bmom about her behavior is unlikely to change it. This sounds so heartless, I know. Believe me, it's not. I take great pleasure in seeing women overcome their addictions, and I count some recovering addicts as dear friends. But I also know that getting clean is only the beginning of turning your life around, and that M. probably has a long way to go before you can have the kind of relationship that some people here have with bparents who have not been addicts.

Ela makes some excellent points! As far as continued contact...a suggestion for you with your dd may be to not let her know about the possible visit ahead of time. This way if it doesn't happen she's not dealing with all the upset and disappointment from it. And you aren't dealing with the fallout from it all. We had to do this many years ago with our oldest son. Then we were able to get to the point where we could tell him his dad was on the way to see him just before the visits. It took some steps. I know it may sound odd...but it also helped with any build up or anxiety that sometimes kids will get about the visits. Part of being a parent is protecting our children from destructive people. Unfortunately sometimes those people are family members. I say these things only to protect your dd not the bmom. DD will learn soon enough (already has really) about bmom's short comings. While disappointments maybe the reality of life there is NO reason that a young child should have to deal with grown up issues. They will get to deal with all that soon enough. When people give advice saying it's reality - children need to deal with it. It shows me very clearly that they aren't very well experienced in child development. As far as dealing with bmom - I think you need to have some very clear boundaries set up and stick with them. There is no reason for you to continue to go above and beyond and continually try to making things work with her. I understand wanting to have a great relationship with her for your daughter's sake. But she needs to be respectful as well. And I don't think you want to be teaching your daughter that it's ok to be treated this way or for people to treat others this way. Adoption relationships are about ALL the parties involved not just one.

KIM: Well said.:)

Thank you!!! I also have to disagree with those that say...it's ok to show your child that kind of rejection and dissapointment over and over again(because it's their reality). I believe it's only their reality if I LET it be. I as a parent have the ability to protect my child from that and I will(from my own personal experience with that kind of thing ...I know exactly how it affects a child...not only short term but forever). I would not allow my own family member to treat her that way, so why should I let her bmom. In my letter to her bmom I stated the NEEDS of my child very clearly and while sypathetic to the situation...made it clear that if she wanted to maintain open contact she MUST keep her commitments. I hope that by writing her that letter now and not allowing anymore EXTRA visits, this time she will get the point and choose to keep her commimtents in the future.Rather than just ignoring it and letting it happen over and over again. I do also agree that her maturity level(although she is 22) is much younger because of her drug use and life situation she grew up in.

I think youre on the right track-your child comes first.

She hasn't e-mailed me or talked to me about the letter yet at all. But last night(my daughters birthday) we get a call from her all Angry/Upset/Sad asking (almost demanding) "Hey J this is M can I tell R Happy Birthday". I had to tell her it wasn't possible at the moment(since she wasn't even with us at the time)but I would talk to her tomorrow night. Her phone call really caught me off gaurd. Especially her tone of voice. She already knows I'm upset about what she did to my daughter, yet she doesn't talk about the letter, or ask how we are doing or what we are doing for her birthday or anything. Why would she think (in that tone of voice) I would have allowed her to talk to her in the first place. Especially when my daughter is upset with her and doesn't want to talk to her right now anyways. uuurrg!!! Now I have to call her or e-mail her tonight....when I'm not even ready to say anything to her. I should have just said NO and left it at that. uurrg!!!

I know this is kind of late, but I'm new here so I'm just barely reading all these posts! I guess I can give you a perspective from the other side that may help. I've never done drugs but grew up in a neighborhood and with friends that were drug addicted. When I had my first baby (27yrs ago!)I was put in a room with a bmom that was drug addicted and on the brim of losing her baby. We bonded and became friends. She truly loved her baby. For a while she was doing good. I really tried to help her. She didn't chose drugs over her baby, the drugs were in charge of her and she was just too weak to battle it. Some people can overcome it, especially with a child on the line. Some people just can't. It's sad. She really tried. I had to seperate from her as a friend because it was killing me to see her mess up so bad. Her biggest fear was to lose that baby. But that's what happened. The drugs had such a control over her. It's all she knew. I could actually relate. You can't really compare what I'm about to say, but it can give you a slight understanding. It does to me. I'm a diabetic and have fought long and hard to control my blood sugars. When I was little my father died the most awful death because of the disease,it runs bad in our family. Even with the doctors telling me for yrs that I was killing myself by not managing my blood sugars I continued to stuff my mouth with dangerous foods. Even knowing that I could leave my children motherless for that piece of cake, I chose the cake. It wasn't until 3yrs ago that I really got a grip of this disease, instead of it having a grip on me. So I can understand addictions and how they can control your life. So not to say it's alright in any sense, forgive her for having been a mess up. Then try to understand that she hates herself for losing her little girl. Then realize that she knows it's not your fault in any way, but that she can't help but feel resentment that her little girl is blessed to have you. She lost her child, really, not by choice. If she could chose, she'd really like to be off the drugs and be a good mom to her children. Some people can't open up to others. They may not know how to let others in. Especially if they don't like who they are. What do they have to give? Some can't let go of the anger that lays deep down inside for themselves and for situations out of their control. If this had been a voluntary situation I'm sure she would be more forth coming. But I think she may feel horrible about herself and her situation for a long time, if not forever. So all you can do is accept that she is who she is. Don't expect anything from her. Keep up your end, as hard as it is, for your little girls sake. Wonderful advice to write letters that your child will read with warmth and happiness when she is an adult. If you really want to address the comments she makes in letters, I would do it on the phone. Not in a way that will make her defensive, sort of like "I don't quite understand what you meant by ...... I hope I didn't do something wrong, I don't want anything to get in the way of a good relationship with us". I know you have a real hard situation. Your lil girl is so lucky to have you.