Any Moms/Dads Have Trouble Attaching To Their Newly Adopted Child?

:o I also wish that in 2 years my boy would be less annoying, but what if he is still the same. For you busy momma your baby is not talking now, i think it might be worse when they do start talking. Toddlers usually talk alot of nonscense and it seems adopted children who are needy talk even more nonscense because they want to be heard. Try to take a break from your child. Recently i have asked my husband to take more responsibility with our adopted son, that way i am not so irritated with him. Also I keep him busy with chores around the house, which also cuts down on the irritating behavior. When i first adopted him, he was 4 years old, and he was very loud and jumping all over the house. After 18 months of being strict and disiplining him, i wake up to a quite house, and he is busy keeping his clothes and toys clean without alot of fuss. I am criticised by my peers for being too stirct with rules, but i rather have peace in the house than noise and irritation. I know you can't give a baby chores to do, so I suggest to ask your hubby to help with things that irritate you, like feeding, or bath time, or sleep time. Feeding was a big problem for me. My boy is greedy for food, when he eats i have to leave the room, i can not stand to see him stuff his face, so it helps if i leave the room. I tried to tell him to eat slower, and he became slow like a turtle taking 1 hour to finish food, i can't win, so i must leave the room when he eats. Good luck.

Have you done family therapy with someone who's experienced in attachment issues? Can you get subsidies for it?

I never thought I would be 6 years into our adoption and still have many, many days when I feel unbonded to my daughter. Some days are fine but to be honest, I am doubting we will ever have the same kind of bond as I have with my bio-kids. I feel like a piece of crap for saying that aloud but it is the truth. I love her, I protect her, whoa to anyone who hurts her....but it isn't the same. :( She still slinks around and acts like she just fell off of the back of a wagon and wandered up to our home. She still gets deep into moments of self-pity and refused to speak/interact with our/her family but insists nothing is wrong. It is really hard to attach to someone who acts like they are just biding their time in your home. I read in a book that what she is doing is fairly typical of adopted kids. They try to blend into the woodwork in hopes of not creating waves thereby not offending anyone (ie: risk rejection). The trouble is it has the exact opposite effect on me. It is like waving a red cape at a bull and I just want to shake her into moving forward. Counseling doesn't really seem to help. She is who she is. She is now 10 and I am counting down the next 8 years. I think part of it may come from we had a horrible accident in our family shortly after adopting her. All of my time and energy went into trying to hold my family together. We are still dealing with the fallout of that accident and it takes a great deal of my energy. Had I a crystal ball...I wouldn't have adopted but there is no turning back. All I can do is muddle through and keep trying now. (I have reread this post a few times and can't figure out how to not sound like complete jerk who doesn't deserve the child she adopted. :( )

These last two don't sound like situations where the parent is the primary one having trouble attaching. Sometimes a parent doesn't attach well, even if there isn't any real reason. But when a child is having some sort of attachment disorder it is very difficult, often impossible, for the parent to attach, even if the parent is ready. The fact that you say you love the child, but don't like him/her is probably a specific symptom. If you can really say you love the child, then you are more or less as attached as you need to be. It is altogether normal not to always like a child, especially when behaviors are difficult. When I came to this thread earlier I had the other problem, i.e. I liked the child but didn't love him yet. I am now almost 5 months into it and I am much closer to "love." He has some difficult behaviors and I might actually "like" him less than I did before. He's got some anxious attachment issues and the extended family is pretty critical about it and it is very tiring for me, but I am now attaching to him well, even though I now see that he has some difficult behaviors. I was mainly concerned as to why I didn't feel love and attachment for this normal, healthy, loving baby, when I did feel it with the first child I adopted. Part of the reason, I believe was that he was older (10 months), while the first was less than three months, and he was a boy, when I had been secretly hoping for a girl. I think that's why it wasn't instant, but it has been developing alright. I'm not so worried that I'm weird anymore. Not liking their difficult behaviors is a completely different thing. I'm thrilled when it is naptime, or someone else watches them for awhile. I rarely miss them when I have a very rare break from them for a few hours. This has nothing to do with their behaviors. My first is about as perfect as an healthy (not-hypervigilant or hyper-pleaser) almost three-year-old can be. The younger has his anxiety stuff, but that is one of the more endearing difficult behaviors. So, if you are saying you don't like your child because you enjoy breaks away from him/her, I wouldn't say that makes you bad or your child overly weird. I know women who say they miss their children after a couple of hours break. I don't. If I know they're in good hands, I enjoy myself. And then I am much more able to enjoy them when I return.

I think it took about 5-6 years to completely bond to my daughter. You're not a jerk. Some kids are HARD to bond with. And if you've resented them during the first 3-4 years, I can totally see it taking another 2-3 years to trust them and forgive them and move on. This is assuming the behaviors that made them hard to bond with were over by 3-4 years into the adoption. Guilt never helps anything. It is what it is, now all you can do is analyze the relationship and see what can be altered or tweaked. In my dd's case, she needed to recognize my value in her life. I started having her parrot back to me, gratitude for my sacrifices for her. Soon enough, she quit treating me like crap and started appreciating the things I did for her. And she quit fighting me. Suddenly she saw me as her teammate instead of her adversary.

I am so glad i found your posts. I was desperate to hear from others who felt like me. We adopted our daughter a year and a half ago. She is four now, soon to be five. I have 5 bio children and have always thought of myself as a great mom. I love being a mom. Nothing else gave me the satisfaction that spending time with my children did. Now, I have a daughter I do not even like, let alone love. How can a human being have these feelings and not be a monster. I really dont want to do anything with her. She is very negative and argumenative. She reminds me of the foster mother in the home she came from. She always wants to argue with her brother even if she has no idea what he is talking about. She lies about anything and is very sneaky. She is very beautiful and everyone we meet thinks she is just a normal 4 year old. I cant stand her cry or the mean look she has on her face. I worked so hard for her love in the beginning and now that she wants my approval I have a hard time faking it. I think I over punish her for some of her misbehaviors. My husband has good days and bad days with her. I have a 7 month old baby in the home that may be available to adopt at some point but I am so scared to even think about it. What will happen when she is 4. Will I still love her as much as I do now ? I dont want to talk to anyone about it. How do you explain to people your feelings without sounding like a horrible person. My whole idenity is wraped up in my role as mother, foster mother, scout leader, sunday school teacher and oh yeah evil adopted mother. How can I fix this ?? I want to feel good again about myself.

You don't. At least not to anyone except on this board because no one else will understand it. I have had a number of people suggest RAD but she doesn't fit the pattern. She doesn't lie, steal, rage, show lack or remorse, etc. She slinks around, won't make eye contact, shows very little affection towards anyone in the family, refuses to speak/answer if questioned about her attitude or behavior and would rather chew her own arm off than cry or seek comfort from anyone. She is VERY emotionally disconnected from us...especially me. Several times a year she hits bottom and I have to force her to talk. It generally involves me trying to talk to her, her refusing all contact, and will end with me having her to push ups or something to drain her physical anger until she says a SINGLE WORD then she will cry softly while I told and rock her, tell her how much we love her, look how much better you feel when you talk, you can come to me anytime, etc. She will be animated and act "normal" for the next day or two after that but she always goes back to the same slinking around.What really pisses me off is she does her best to latch onto her friend's families. She will talk nonstop around their parents, wants to go places with them...becomes the perfect child. (((rolling my eyes))) We actually had to stop her from going to church with her best friend's family upstairs because she would come back surly and moody...not because she had a bad time, but because she had to come home. Try explaining THAT to a non-adoptive family. I am pretty sure they thought we just neglected the poor thing.

What you just described is CLASSIC RAD Patterns. she does her best to latch onto her friend's families

She is VERY emotionally disconnected from us

becomes the perfect child (for another family)

shows very little affection towards anyone in the family

would rather chew her own arm off than cry or seek comfort from anyone Check out this checklist [url]http://www.reactiveattachmentdisordertreatment.com/childattachchecklist.pdf[/url] This can escalate into aggression, and anti-social behaviors if it isn't treated immediately. A child this attachment avoidant, I would never allow to be with another caregiver, nor would I allow ANYONE else to meet her needs. No hugs, no food, no comfort, NOTHING can come from anyone except you and your husband. She must see you as her only source of getting her needs met. And, start scheduling affection. Set your watch or phone to remind you to go hug her every hour or so. She is looking for affection/needs met without having to be vulnerable or attach or reciprocate. JOSIEROUNDY No one who hasn't lived with an emotionally damaged child will believe you. You aren't evil. You're just VERY sensitive to B.S., insincerity, manipulation, takers, and emotionally abusive people. I will say this until the day I die: Raising an emotionally damaged child is the ONLY ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP you are expected to stay in/put up with. Once you start seeing her behavior as emotional abuse, it becomes easier to handle. And you can see where the abuse is happening and start to help the child develop different tools.

Sadly, we are a military family stationed in Germany. There are NO services available to us that deals with attachment issues. (((sigh))) When we get back to the States I will pursue it. Until then there is nothing I can do except take your advice. I am going to have to pep talk myself into scheduling "affection". To be honest, at this point she makes my skin crawl half the time. (Dang being brutally honest here makes me feel like the scum of the earth. Who feels that way about their child?!) How often? Literally every hour? Does it have to be a hug? Can it be a hand on the back or silly poke as you are walking by?

Seriously, you are not nuts. This is real. It very well may not be RAD. I have read extensively on this stuff and I happen to be sitting here across the table, as I read my emails, from a LCSW who specialized in emotionally damaged children and therapies and I just read her the few sentences I quoted above and she said, "It sounds a lot like types of RAD or it could be Avoidant Attachment Disorder (AAD)." There are a lot of different attachment disorders. RAD is only the worst and most famous and the easiest to explain to non-adoptive families. The others can be harder in ways, because they are less easy to see in brief contact. My son probably has Anxious Attachment at least temporarily. That is the easiest one to deal with. Avoidant is somewhat harder. In any event, I'm really not making this up about sitting here with someone who specializes in this, just by coincidence, and she thinks your description sounds most like Avoidant Attachment. I suggest googling that and see what you can see. There are ways to treat it. As far as I have read all the ADs are easier to treat that RAD. And this kind of behavior would definitely interfere with your attachment to the child, no matter how good of a person you are or how much you try. Doesn't mean it is hopeless, but just you have to give your self some benefit of the doubt. Arianna

Look at the "Special Needs" Parenting blogs on here. They have tons of stuff you can do. My daughter was the same way exactly. We had no means to access any professional help, and just by following the advice of other parents on here, we have pretty well overcome all her issues. She was also ODD. Attachment issues can actually be compounded by a 3rd person like a therapist.Scheduling affection will also help you fake it until you make it. A hug, an eye contact compliment. Start with 3 times a day and see if you can increase it over a few days. Also, tell her the "Alaska Tools" story. Involve her ideas and conclusions in the story as much as possible. Talk about how cool Alaska is, and beautiful. Talk about all the things you would need to survive in Alaska. Go into detail, discuss why these things are necessary, what will happen without them, are they really a big deal? Describe what preparations/skills/gear would be required to go to the store while living in Alaska. She should be fully engaged at this point and offering her opinions/views. Now explain that after living their whole life there, they are moving to Arizona. Talk about how wonderful Arizona is, what is different, how much fun they'll have. Now, explain that this person is going to the store. Repeat back all the steps needed to go to the store in Alaska. She'll probably stop you at this point. Let her argue a bit with you, keep using the Alaska reasons for needing the Alaska tools (freeze to death, can't walk in ice/snow, etc.). At some point you need to get HER to tell you "But you don't need them in Arizona! It's different than Alaska". Let her make her case for why they aren't necessary anymore. And when she has, you can begin to agree with her and help her see how HARMFUL and DANGEROUS and UNHEALTHY it would be to keep doing the same Alaska things when you live in Arizona now. Point out that the very same things that kept you safe and healthy in Alaska would be harmful now that you're in Arizona.By now, she should be agreeing with you and it was more or less her idea and conclusion. Here is where you bring up her "old tools". Things like hiding her feelings, not letting people get close to her (whatever harmful skills she needs to abandon). Discuss in detail why they could have been useful to her before, and how they are not only no longer useful, but are actually hurting her. Once she realizes this and can see this, help her discover NEW tools to get her needs met, help her be safe. Talk about BETTER tools she can acquire now. And make an agreement, that when you see her using her old "Alaska Tools", you'll remind her, and ask her to remember this story when you remind her, and agree to discard the Alaska Tools and use the new Arizona Tools.My daughter was 5 or 6 when I told her this, and it was very helpful in showing her a new way to live. It also helped her tremendously to quickly be aware of and abandon her old tools. It's great because it acknowledges their usefulness, and tells her she was correct in behaving that way once, but no longer. She doesn't need to feel bad or ashamed of those behaviors and herself, because they were useful and relevant once. It allows her a graceful way to "save face" and avoid feeling defeated by choosing a new way to live.

I agree that a third party can actually get in the way. When I say there are things you can do about it, I mean there are techniques parents can use. Sometimes a professional can help by guiding the parents but as far as I understand there is relatively little professionals can do with direct contact with children with attachment issues. Maybe it would be worth consulting with an attachment expert long distance, such as over Skype, even just once or twice, in order to get ideas and some perspective on it, but there probably isn't too much more they could do. From what I read, some parents who have children with major attachment issues find parent support groups really helpful, and some of those are online.

It's good to see others have similar problems. We adopted K at 8, she's eleven, now. Only child. She's RAD diagnosed. I have no problem giving hugs, encouragement, and generally returning affection. But her earnest hatred during her frequent tantrums has succeeded in pushing me away. I do not love K. My wife and our therapist know this, and under pressure from them, I've begun to lie to K, something I avoided doing until last month. Now when she tells me she loves me, I will sometimes respond that I love her too. Bleah. Good to know I'm not alone, but what a way to live. Here's hoping it gets better.

I am curious, was the adoption of an older child your idea, your wife's, or mutual? Sometimes everyone is not on board with an older child adoption. When problems arise, the problems seem double. Anyway I hope you all find your way through this

I was for adopting an older child when we married. Then we tried having kids naturally for a couple years, then artificially. When that failed, my wife brought up adoption again. Then we adopted K.