Knowing what you do now would you have still down the same?

No way would I gave my son away. After years of beating myself up I now realize I didn't give my son away, he was taken.

""I dont know how you all were strong enough to do closed adoptions and not know where your babies were,"" In 1964 there was only closed adoption, there was no choice in the matter.. For me..it was the worry, if she was loved, was she being taken care of, were her aparents kind, loving people and mostly was she dead or alive. I can only speak for me.. but in order to survive to live my life as best possible for myself, as well as for my children born in marriage. I had to repress, repress, repress.. to the point that I would only allow myself to think of her on her birthday and holidays. The memory of my child (and her birth) would remain deeply repressed until I started my search, even then I did not allow myself fully to think about that time in 1964. It would be in reunion, 34 years later that the repressed memories would come like a flood and overwhelm me. One thing I always felt consciously thru the years, was shame, huge shame.. that I 'gave away' my baby and that was one of the biggest reasons I never spoke about my pregnancy and birth of my child lost to adoption. I was just too ashamed as mother and a woman.. Always thinking, how could I have done that? What kind of woman, mother am I, that I could give my own flesh and blood away? Today I know differently, I educated myself on the past and the whirlwind I was caught up in and never had a clue to. Today I no longer feel ashamed, but there is always that tad bit of guilt that nags me around the edges of my mind. And I will forever regret the lost of my firstborn daughter to adoption. We would have made it together, we would have been Mom & Daughter. Unlike today, where mostly I met a very angry woman (who stays angry), who once was my innocent baby. Adoption was wrong for me and wrong for my daughter. I only speak for myself and my experience, to include now, my experiences with my daughter in reunion. Wish I would have had a crystal ball in 1964.. would have saved both myself and my daughter a lot of pain. Shadowdove

I am bmom, who before i gave up my son was confident and happy with the world although very naive. I grew up in a very proud family, which my mom wanted the world to believe we were perfect. Don't get me wrong, I have no anger towards my parents now, and I forgive them for their decisions made. But I fought for my want of bringing my baby home, and I obviously from this letter did not win. Since I gave my son up, I became depressed, shamed, and guilt ridden for embarrassing my family. I also recieved no support before or after from family, although I will admit, my father allowed me to think i was bringing my baby home, and in the end, he told me my mom was right. Not sure why he did what he did, but I know now my parents have admitted to me, that I should have raised my baby. I guess it would help if we were all psychic. "I" made alot of bad decisions along the way due to my grieving of the loss of my son. I held an emptiness in my heart, that even with my three beautiful children, never closed. I finally met my son a year ago, and he is beautiful, and just as I felt through the years, about things just not feeling right, he told me, he did not have such a good time growing up, and the bond was never there. More guilt!, more shame. So where am I know, well reading alot of your threads, in the same place alot of you are. Heavy hearted, and still feeling the pain of the years past. So can someone tell me what to do with all this. It sucks to think today will be better, and yeah maybe a few days go by and its all good, but then one thing happens and my life feels the pits again. ? Is this cureable? Please share any help any of you can offer?! Muchly appreciated!!

I am one of the few who wouldn't change a thing. My open adoption has been everything that I was told it would be-good and bad. I love my birthdaughter and her family. I love my life. I am glad we both got what we have. (Although if I had parented, I would probably say that I wouldn't change that, too.)

I'm apparently with the majority. I would not have signed one piece of paper. You've gotta figure - it sounds like most of us did not have an abundance of support from our families. My experience with adoption was the ABC After School special. I was 17 when my dad made me sign papers and call his infertile relatives to come TAKE my son. It's crap. Now almost 18 years and three beautiful children and one amazing husband later. I'm TICKED. I think the beauty of my children has made it worse. People say - concentrate on the children you have - like you'd ever forget any of your children. I'm very defensive of my family. Sometimes when my mom has my kids, she gets mad because they want to come with me or don't want to spend the night at her house. She'll make comments about how "attached" they are to me, and I want to say - "that's because they know you have no problem selling me out". For the most part, I have forgiven my parents, athough there are days when I can't even look at my dad - it makes me so sick to my stomach. I hate that they have created me to be a birthmom, firstmom, etc. all the lovely adjectives that describe me because of this. I have the strongest desire to say - NO ONE MESSES WITH MY FAMILY!!!!!!

[FONT=Fixedsys]I have finally decided. I would not go with adoption. It was not my decision.[/FONT] [FONT=Fixedsys]My first instinct after finding out that I was pregnant was to run away and I wish I had. I raised my son to be a wonderful, kind, responsible, thinking young man. Even though he was born after I married I divorced when he was only four. I remained single for seven years. I was very careful with money and we did okay. Actually not having everything handed to him on a plate may have given him his drive. He had earned the money for his fist car before he got his liscense at 16 and worked @ Walmart while in college then paid off his college loans with Walmart stock.[/FONT] [FONT=Fixedsys]I think even though my daughter would not have had all the advantages had I kept her I did have a lot of nonmaterial things to offer. I am a good mom! My son and step-children agree.[/FONT]

i know i went through the same thing i married the biolgical father to try and get my son back ,but lawyers fees were too expensive.

with the way the adoptive parents are treating me ......i totally regret giving up my daughter.......100% if the adoptive parents were treating me better then i might think i did a good thing by adopting .....not anymore!

1) Was it a person or agency that you feel was at fault for making you feel that way? The Social Whrecker. It was her job, her quota. There is a worker's manual that all SW er had to go by to keep them tough for that job. Many worker's eventually quit the job, realising what they were doing. There was once a taped video of these confessions, but has since gone into hiding. Many hope to uncover these truths. 2) How/what did the do to make you feel like you had no choice? She told me. "This baby" would be called a bastard by society and definately by other children. I would have to live on the streets with " the baby". It was my shame and she shouldn't have to carry it. I was six months pregnant and only seeking financial help. I was under the impression that aid would end right after the birth. I changed my mind the day my daughter was born and was ready to stand up to my father, and tell him I had a baby. I had not signed any papers. The SWer arrived on the 3day and was upset and told me that I couldn't change my mind because "the baby" was already going to a proper mother and father. I was eighteen, no immidiate family living in the provience. Three months later, she the SWer showed up at my door, I lived in one room, with a hotplate and table and one chair and a cot. She told me that she had some formalities( I didn't even know what that word was) and that I needed to go with her. She said I was going to be asked some questions, I asked what questions and she said that was not important right now, but that all I needed to say was no to the questions, she said that one question would seem like I should say yes, but remember to say no. Since leaving the hospital, I found myself drifting in and out of a black hole and not able to see or think clearly. When we went into the bldg. The worker left me in a room and later came back carring a baby, not an infant. She asked me to change "her friends" baby's diaper. I did it and then she came back and left with the baby. I was brought into the court room, for the first time in my life. Answered all the questions, when I said yes to that one question, the SW er came up to my face and angryly said that I gave the wrong answer, I slipped back into the black hole and answered No.I found out 18 yrs later that my daughter was adopted at nine months of age. Just a couple of years ago, the baby's image, from the court house , has become clearer and I can see her darling face, smiling at me, I see her father's face looking back at me too. She looks like she was bursting with excitement in her eyes. If only I had not been so blindly depressed to see clearly, I could have run out the door with her. 3) What was the aftermath of that decision? Did you ever confront those at fault? Was any action taken to make things right? What could ever make that situation right? I would never have gone for financial aid. I have always wished to find that SWer, but she is protected from any of us who she had stolen from. . 4)How did you move foreward with your life after feeling like you had been so wronged? If you couldn't get your child back, do you still stay in contact with your child or with his/her adoptive parents? How does that affect your relationship? Will you ever tell your child how you were treated and how you were forced to place? I caried my pain and grief alone. I took full blame. Never talked about it. Her name was just beneath the surface of every other word I spoke from that day forward. My daughter knows now and said that she was sorry for what was done and hopefully things like that doesn't happen anymore. It still happens today, just in different ways. Her parents were worried that I hold them responsible, I don't. They actually recieced a phone call telling them that a baby girl had just arrived, after the court hearing. They went and picked her up right away. That is another thing that keeps some of the rage inside of me, not knowing that she was in fc and that I had every right to change my mind. After all I had only seen that SWer once and then once more at the hospital. So of course the courts would have assume that I abondonded my daughter by not visiting her. Oh just thinking about it, I could grab that worker if I saw her today. To think I am such a mild person by nature to feel this way. For thirty three years, no one was able to tell her where she was for the first three months of her life. I can only guess that she must have thought that I had given her up at three months old. My reunion is a good steady one, but I have yet to feel that I can openly talk about it with my girl. I have to wait to see if she will want to hear anything about the emotional pain of adoption, she may never want to hear it though. There is no justice and as much as I would like to take this to a higher court. I can't because I wouldn't want to cause my daughter or her parents grief, that grief is mine to shoulder. I'm strong and healthy, I have lived as a half person for so long and now I am almost a whole person again. I have my son, his daughter, and now I'm getting to know my daughter and hopefully one day my grand son too. Sincerely Carmel__________________

Not relinquished!!!!! I wouldn't have even called any adoption agency. My family wasn't willing to help me either. They were ashamed of me. In 1993 I was 18 and living with a controlling manipulative boyfriend and he was threatening to kick me out if I kept her. Here's what I would've done, knowing what I know now. I would've lost the stupid boyfriend and kept her. I could've got on welfare and wic and subsidized housing until I could get on my feet. I didn't know it then but I am a strong resourceful woman. I would've done better for us in time. It would've been better for her to be with her real mom and I don't care how great the people who have her are. I would've never called the agency and therfore never had to listen to their nonsense about how I was doing "the best thing". This is just for me in my case...I'm not anti adoption or anything for women who truly want to place after thinking about all options.

i have to admit its my parents who were the ones pushing for the adoption ......... i regret chosing adoption because of the pain i have lived with over the years.......the emotional pain is so great that ive wept for days ....... also if the adoption was open that would of made a world of difference.......tried to open the adoption .....adoptive parents refused.......say la vie

I would make the same decision, although I voted that I would opt for a semi-open adoption. The hardest thing for me was bever knowing how he was, if he was even still alive. I don't think I could have dealt with an open adoption, getting to spend time with him but not having a say. I was just reading through the thread on co-dependecy. A major reason for placing my son was because I recognised some of the co-dependent issues in my life. My mother offered to raise him for me until I graduated from college and had a job. Knowing my mother, I would never have had a chance to raise him anyway. Blessings,Kathy

I guess I was a fairly typical case, young, unwed, naive, middle-class, influential parents, agency involvement, etc. It took me a few years to realise that I should not have relinquished my daughter. It certainly wasn't a fully informed choice and the social workers involved should clearly have realised I was being subtly coerced by my family. I did want to keep her but I had no support in doing so. No-one suggested it might be a good idea. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, isn't it. I have gone on to have another 2 kids with a 3rd on the way. I had a semi-open adoption that has been fraught with difficulties. Perhaps if I'd got along with the AP's, I would have viewed things differently - for a while, anyway. I would have felt more at ease with my decision until the reality kicked in down the track. There was no genuine reason why I should not and could not have raised my daughter. I was young, but I was mentally stable, had a very stable, loving family (just uneducated at the time), adored my daughter and wanted to parent her. I am a wonderful mother two my 2 kept children, I know that. Whilst financially things would have been more difficult, I still would have been a wonderful mother to my first daughter. It is the pain of my life, the biggest regret of my life - but now that she and I have independent contact and she is part of my kept children's life, I have moved forward. I know there will continue to be challenges ahead as she tries to balance her life with us and her life with her AP's. She is nearly 19 and I was 17 when I had her. She is absolutely beautiful:cheer: and I love her totally and unconditionally. I just wish she was ONLY my daughter, not shared with people I do not like.

I found my daughter in August of 05, and haven't been on this site since I posted that I'd found her. I got an email today from this site, and decided to check things out, and found this thread. I would NOT have given her up. At first, I had been talked into it, and when I gave birth to her, I changed my mind...then I was "blackmailed" into it.

I would never have relinquished my son if I had been given a choice. Even though he was adopted by a good family and he seems not to have suffered emotionally, it has wrecked my life. I was never prepared for the aftermath of the relinquishment. The pain and loss have never left me. That pregnant young teen of 1969 is today's unacknowledged mother.