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Well it has been ages since I've been on these forums. My computer blew up and lost most of my bookmarks.
I need to a bit of support though. I stopped working to be a full stay-at-home mom this past summer. Logistics were just too tough with my daughter starting half day Kindergarten and son being only 3 and not in school. I had grappled with the work/not to work issue for some time and made the decision to stay at home.
Since staying at home, I never realized how hard it is. I've tried to immerse myself into activities with the kids, starting kids in gymnastics and my daughter on piano. I'm carefully choosing activities though to make sure they don't have too much on their plate. My daughter has a ton of homework from school and I've really tried to be involved. She is a very bright little girl and usually breezes through homework with no problems. She has always been a very quick learner.
Well yesterday, I got my first call from school from her teacher. She is starting to be a problem with her super dominent personality, need to control the other kids, taking things, not sharing, etc. She has been talking back to some teacher assistants, doesn't say thank you, squabbling on the bus, etc. We have had to work on behaviors at home such as sharing and manners but she is pretty good at home while under my control. It is a constant reinforcement issue with my daugher. Give her an inch and she will take a mile--as the saying goes.
I've always known that she is super, super dominent and that is one thing that has always driven me crazy. She was older when we adopted her (3 1/2) and she was queen of the orphanage. In fact, she was spoiled, over weight, and received many extra privileges while there. She learned at an early age to manipulate and this was super evident when she came home with us. I'm pretty intolerent so we had some mighty power struggles our first year. Even our facilitator mentioned that we would "need to tighten the screws with her" when we met her. How true this was.
We have set some firm boundaries at home but my daugher has always been more mature for her age and it's almost like I'm dealing with a teenager at times with the pouting, attitudues, etc. She has gotten the message from us that bad behavior at school won't be tolerated so I think that she will be fine at school. The teacher and I have set up a behavior chart and this will be something we will be monitoring closely. My daughter is a fast learner and knows the consequences.
I am just curious if others have run into these sorts of problems. I think that I'm dealing with a couple of issues---adoption and early years at an orphanage where she learned manipulative behavior, and also a strong willed child who is very, very smart. I feel like a drill sergeant on a 24 x 7 basis and it is wearing me down. We still have power struggles--stubborness doing homework (playing dumb so I end up doing it for her), etc. I think she does half of it for attention so I just walk away at this point. Sometimes she will sit at the table for an hour, realize that I'm not playing her game, and will finish her homework up in 5 sec, making me realize it was all a game.
I am considering all the options. Having her see some, me seeing someone, reading books, etc. Any good literature out there that you could recommend? I checked out "Dealing with the Difficult Child" from the library however I only read a few pages of the book before it had to be returned. I guess that I just need a bit of support here.
Overall, she is a great kid but a high maintenace one. I want to do this right before it really escalates into a serious problem. I'm not sure how much is just kid behavior and how much are adoption issues.
Sorry for the long post. Just very frustrated and concerned at this point.
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khc, While much of this could be directly related to your daughter's institutionalization and experiences/responses from the children/adults there, many of these are also traits/experiences of very bright (or gifted children), which you reiterated several times; it could be a combination of both. Is it possible that she is bored, that she has ADD/ADHD and needs some special tools to enable her to learn to focus?
I have a child who is HG; she is three and has been with me since birth. She is not manipulative at all; she is willing to share anything. However, she is is extremely stubborn, extremely strong willed and has quite the wit. She is drawn to adults and spends little time interested in kids her age. She is very bossy, though often in a subtle way. She is also an extreme dilly dallyer. She can take 1.5 hours eating a small bowl of cereal because she is busy talking about someone we saw at Gymboree two years ago or asking questions about the human body.
My daughter is a dream, lovely, sweet, loving, funny, brilliant, respectful, kind, generous, extremely sociable and creative; she is also a high maintenance one who sleeps little and never lets anything go. Children with her intellectual capabilties vary dramatically; some are sociable, but many are not. Some are extremely focused, and some are not (sometimes focused on things they deem important to the inability to accomplish very simple tasks.) Some are physically active, and some are very cautious. Some have behavioral issues that may be less about their socialization and more about physiological differences. Early awareness and identification is important; sometimes kids are not recognized for their abilites but rather singled out for easily identified behavioral issues that could be a result of the lack of being challenged or social awkwardness.
I am not saying this applies to her, but it might in which case there is so much information out there to help you help her. Read the gifted child forum here; I have posted many articles. If you think any of it applies to her, let me know; I will send you many more links.
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khc, she sounds so much like my daughter!
Strong willed, stubborn, dominant, oppositional...she ran her foster home for three years before she came to us at age 4. She was unable to make or keep friends, as well. My daughter is also bright, charming, and practically sparkles she's so engaging.
She had a wonderful teacher last year who "got her". She was so supportive, patient, and helpful. This year, though, her teacher doesn't "get her" and we get a lot of negative feedback. She's quite delayed in school, though the second half of the year seems to bring a lot of learning for her, and is ADHD.
If you would like to commiserate more, please feel free to PM me. We've been able to make some progress this year.
Allana
Thank you for the support and words of advice. I'm steadily making progress with my daughter and we are on an intensive learning curve with my daughter about the sharing and being nice to others. She is getting to the point of starting to share with her brother much better. All it takes is me now looking at her the moment squabbling starts and she reins in her behavior. So far, no more calls from school.
Another bit of concern though. We just got her first report card and it was less than stellar. She does pretty good at home but I think falls apart at school. I know that she is pretty darned bright but her marks were less than satisfactory. I'm really working with her at home and she is doing better. My husband had to remind me that this little girl has only been with us for 2 1/2 years and has had to learn another language, adjust to a new environment, etc. Most kids her age haven't had to go through the obstacles that she has had to overcome so I need to give her a break. It seems like the kids have been with us forever so I forget at times that she wasn't with us from birth.
I'm a bit disappointed with her school system and teacher at this point. Her class this year is fairly large and I believe that some of the kids may be getting lost in the shuffle. I've explained her background to her teacher but sometimes I feel like she just doesn't get it. I've requested another parent teacher conference so can't wait to hear what she has to say.
Thanks again for the support.
you mentioned "manipulative, controling, bright, more mature". I would definitely check into attachement issues as those tend to get worse with time if not addressed. Not to scare you but that you know what else there is out there for these kids. My opinion is that it's mostly related to adoption and institution past. You could get help by reading "when love is not enough" from Nancy Thomas or just the website ([url="http://www.radzebra.org"]www.radzebra.org[/url]) Check out Special needs adoption on the forum. Best of luck with your doughter.:)
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