Scared out of our minds of losing another potential birth mother!

I'm not sure why having this expectant mother meet with an agency is a bad move for you. If she feels you're the match for her, then she'll keep that thought. it seems that this is out of your hands for now. I know it's hard, but try and step back and let this play out. she's doing what she feels she needs to and you'll have to respect that. about the family friend issue. My feeling is that it's best that everyone be honest with each other including the child. if she wants to be a part of the child's life, that's great, but it's probably better that the child knows who she is from the beginning. that way no one is caught in a lie. we're in an open adoption and have ongoing contact with dd's bfamilies and it works well for us. dd is still young, but I think this will work for us. much will depend on the relationship that you all have with each other and how you model that to the child. btw, here are some links to some readings about open adoptions and contact with birthparents: [url]http://www.pactadopt.org/press/articles/open.html[/url] [url]http://www.pactadopt.org/press/articles/birthfam.html[/url] [url]http://www.pactadopt.org/press/articles/bp.html[/url] good luck. btw, if you're wondering about the asterisks in place of the initials "b" and "m", it's because these initials also stand for bowel movement. the preferred abbreviations are "bmom" or some other permutation. and since she hasn't placed her child, she's still a mom or at best potential bmom (pbmom). Lisa

It's a tough time when you're hoping but the decision is in another's hands. I honestly believe that it would be a good thing for her to meet with an agency to get the objective counseling she needs about all her options. We decided long ago that even if we were contacted independently by expecting parent(s) we would see if they wanted the counseling provided by our agency. I know it is scary as it opens the doors to other options for her, but the reality is that you really don't want a match just to have one, you want one that will work for you and your families for the long haul. As for being a "family friend", honesty is the key here. Open adoption works wonderfully in most situations as long as everyone involved is honest. She should be your child's first mother or birth mother, not just a family friend. I really hope this works out for you... it is so tough waiting for your child to find you.

Just wanted to give my opinion on "family friend". I don't think this is a good idea, someday this child will find out that this is really their birthparent and I think this will hurt your relationship. I think it is best to be open and truthful from the beginning that she is the birthmother. Hope everything works out.

Please don't lie to your child. I understand that the expectant Mother is scared but someday she WILL want to be known as the child's birthmother and to change things on down the road will create frustration and confusion. Explain to the expectant Mother that it is not in the best interest of the child to lie about something as big as this. If she is not in agreement, I suggest turning down the match.

Thanks to those of you who replied. My husband and I have no intentions of lying to our adop child -- just don't know about the level of contact afterwards. I guess I'm just too raw after the last encounter. Meeting new bmom came quite unexpectantly and out of the blue. We encouraged her to meet with the agency as we wanted her to be 100% sure of her decision, whether it was w/us or not. She is one impressive "child" herself (only 19). We saw her 2 days ago -- by her own choice she came to a party she knew we were already at and hung out w/us for a couple of hours, taking pics, etc. I'm just an emotional wreck and want 2b a mom -- never expected I'd not be able to have my own. I'm rambling -- thanks again!!!