what to do with the bad days

The shower went well. I held it together during the shower but cried on the way home. Normal I guess. Her sis in law is a social worker so she was interested in all the adoption stuff. I get along well with her dh and his family (it was at his brothers house) so it was comfortable. His best friend is also in the waiting process with his wife. My bf knows it is hard for me right now and knows me well enough to know what and what not to say. I don't think I could have made it through if it was someone I didn't know or care so much about. I rationalized the heck out of the situation though. She always did things a little before me. She had our job first, she was on our dance team first, she was engaged first. She is just leading the way..I'll not be far behind. She has this theory that dh and i will be matched with twins and we will be like rachel and monica on friends.Let us know how the shower for the cousin goes, if you go...just remember to have a box of kleenex in the car for the drive home.

I just wanted to jump in here and give you my complete support & understanding. I think we all have been to that deep dark place at one time or another. I am a mom to both a biological and adopted child. I love them both with all my heart and soul. I do admit that now & then, I STILL get pangs when I am around pregnant women. I know all too well how infertility rips at the core of our womanhood. We are SUPPOSED to be mothers. I would suggest you take a break from your adoption support group. Are you in private therapy? Do you take anti depressants? These are things not to be embarrassed about- they help. Please keep in mind not every single birth mom regrets her decision to relinquish their child. For example, my daughter's bmom is RELIEVED. She feel sad & a bit guilty. But she knows she did what was best for her daughter. I have recommended the facillitator who we used to quite a few people. I will do the same for you. Please email me privately so I can give you details. HUGS,Julie

It's true -- "misery loves company". I'm a bit blue today myself. We've had a lot happen in the last 4 months -- death in the family, one failed adoption and now we're on pins & needles waiting for a call from a pbmom. I'd welcome almost any news -- waiting is tough, I know. Going from self-pity parties to "it's all going to be ok", "what will be will be" all these emotions change on a dime. We met the 2nd pbmom w/in 2 days of closing the door to the 1st. It can all change so quickly. All we can do is have faith that we are going through all of this for a reason, even if we're never meant to find out why. Take the advise I keep trying to give myself -- Allow your feelings to come when they come, don't hold them back. Cry (like me now) when you want to cry. Get mad when you want to get mad. Releasing all of these will make you actually feel better and be able to see that what you really have now is pretty darn good. Be grateful for the wonderfulness of now even though you wish you had a crystal ball. Everything really WILL work out the way it's supposed to. Hang in there . . . it's ok!!!!

my two cents: I don't think there's anything wrong with protecting yourself. if you can't bear to be at a baby shower, send your regrets with a lovely gift purchased online or a gift card, and let it go. you do not have to torture yourself by attending. i have a personal policy of not attending showers, bridal, birth or whatever. I have only attended two in my life: the first one was my professor's baby shower (had to; she held grudges and was in control of my future, lol), and one of my good friend's (it wasn't a shower really but more of a party). that's it. your loved ones will understand if you can't be there, and if they don't that's their problem. about bmom's regret. I think there are many who regret their decision, regret the circumstances that made them place, and so on. I think also that there are those who feel they made the best decision they could at the time. Adoption is a very different process now than it was even 20 years ago. That's not to say that there aren't those who are getting poor/no counseling, being pressured by others to place, etc. As adoptive parents we can play a positive role and I think that's one thing we can control. we can make sure our agency provides decent counseling. We can be open and honest to expectant parents who are considering adoption, and so on. at the end of the wait is a beautiful baby. keep focused on that :grouphug: . good luck guys, and just say no to baby showers :p , Lisa

I can't say no to baby showers...most of the time I don't have a tough time at them...just a longing. You know what made me feel better? I went shopping! :) I bought a board book for my baby-to-be as well as the baby for the shower. The times that seeing a pregnant girl bugs me are when I see the ones that are having a hard time taking care of themself, if they are smoking, or have a child already that they don't take care of...for example, the diaper is hanging between the child's knees because he hasn't been changed in who knows how long. That bugs me. But if I see a woman who is taking care of herself then I just smile. Seeing babies makes me happy still. Also, my hubby is so sweet...he sent me flowers to work with a little note saying that what we are dealing with is temporary and as long as we have eachother we're good. :) I'm having a great day today!

NicNic, You mentioned that you will be the last ones from your group to be picked. Last year at our agency orientation, a couple who had adopted twice through them talked. The first time they waited over a year and a half--and they were the first couple waiting in their group, and the last ones adopting! But on their second adoption, they waited only 6 months. You never know how it will happen! Hope your week goes well!

Amen to that! A cousin you met twice is not worth the pain. Of course your sister or your best friend is a different matter. The thing about a birthparent's regret is that it rarely has anything to do with the adoptive parents. I can understand how an adoptive parent might feel "If I am a really great parent than the birthparents should have no regrets>" But it is not a question of whether or not you are a good parent, it is usually about the birthparent's feelings about what they have or have not done. True, there are some situations where adoptive parents and birthparents are at ods and that is part of the regret, but in my experience with birthparents, that not the majority.

Amen to that! A cousin you met twice is not worth the pain. Of course your sister or your best friend is a different matter. The thing about a birthparent's regret is that it rarely has anything to do with the adoptive parents. I can understand how an adoptive parent might feel "If I am a really great parent than the birthparents should have no regrets>" But it is not a question of whether or not you are a good parent, it is usually about the birthparent's feelings about what they have or have not done. True, there are some situations where adoptive parents and birthparents are at ods and that is part of the regret, but in my experience with birthparents, that not the majority.

Wee, I won't be attending the baby shower for my husband's cousin. I am taking our exchange student down state for a meeting and then going to my best friends house for the weekend. It should be a fun weekend.

NicNic That sounds like it will be fun! Much more fun than the shower...

Just wanted to reiterate that you are not alone - it sounds like we have been waiting almost the same amount of time - you have a couple of months on me. At first the waiting wasn't that hard but now that it's been over a year - it's all I think about. It's all consuming me. We have finished the nursery which was a good use of my anxiousness but now what. It's just a very helpless feeling. I keep seeing the statistics that in domestic adoption 93% of families adopt before 2 years and I'm sSOO afraid we are going to be in the 7%. I try to be positive but also realistic that it could be a while. Ugh. Hang in there - you aren't alone.

I avoid baby showers like the plague. I actually despise them, so it makes it that much easier not to go. I hate the games and stupid junk like that. Plus being around all that "pregnancy worship" makes me down. I relented and went to the shower of a very close friend, and I was SEVERELY depressed for days afterward.

This may sound out there, but one thing I did was to spend some time reaching out to my little one, even before s/he was known of. I would just sit and let my spirit rise to the place where I'm connected to All. Then I would "feel" my child's presence and reassure him/her that we're ready. Please come. We have a warm and loving home for you. I just know the story about how your baby comes to your family is actively being written, Nicci. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Is it true that a few days after making this post, Nicci, you were blessed with your daughter - or have I not read this correctly? It's amazing to think of how things happen.

Eight days before Keelie was born I started this post. I had no idea how quickly things would change. It is an amazing feeling. The Lord works in mysterious ways... No kidding!?