Don't have feelings, desperate for help!

Originally Posted By JJAdoption is a big committment and should not be taken lightly. As an adoptive parent, you can never "divorce" the adopted child financially or legally. If you don't think it is the right thing to do, don't do it. Remember, you are the one who has to live with your decision.

Originally Posted By MarieLet's not attack her. She is being honest and is seeking help. I do not think it is in the child's best interest to adopt her if the foster mom really feels nothing for her. That child will always know she feels this way, no matter how hard she tries. It would be far better to let a family adopt her that will love her as she deserves to be loved.

Originally Posted By been on both sides of the fenceTracy,Two months is very little time!! Give yourselves a chance. Your lives have just gone into an entirely different mode. You haven't even had a chance to create memories, face adversity, or come together as a couple to support this child in a time of need. This is a new life that hasn't even had an opportunity to merge with your own. You can't place so much pressure on yourself, your husband or her. Bonding comes with time. A child is autonomous, no matter how little. With their own personalities, blood or no blood. I think you need to spend time together alone. When you have a biological child you don't even know how or who your child will be. As an adoptive parent you don't know either. It is unconditional love that grows through bonding. It takes time to build every relationship even with one so small, biological or not.God Bless and best of luck!!A friend

Originally Posted By HWTracy - Don't be ashamed about how you feel. It is very normal; ask any therapist. Anyone who can't understand is probably dealing with issues of their own. Is there a therapist you can talk to who deals with this sort of thing? Being able to talk it out honestly and thoroughly is the first step in resolving how you feel.My first daughter was adopted as an newborn, and the bonding was instantaneous. My 2nd daughter was adopted at 18 months, and it took much longer. After all, they already have their own personalities at that point, and you have to adjust. One thing that helped me bond with her was spending a LONG amounts of time with her just one-on-one. It took a long time. We did know she was the right one right away, but I didn't really feel that unbreakable attachment for several months. With her behavioral problems (and with older children there will be problems) sometimes I was sure I'd never be able to get there. It finally happened, but not until she was finally able to show some affection back. But it just seems to me that you must know yourself pretty well, and if you don't feel the attachment, then maybe it just isn't there. There's no shame in that. You are lucky you have the strength to admit it to yourself. Do keep talking to your husband about how you feel. Mine was just like yours; he bonded before I did. He was very supportive of me in my confusion, which helped a lot with the guilt. Don't rush into adoption proceedings if it's not enough time for you. Maybe if the pressure of a deadline isn't there you'll be able to take things more naturally, one day at a time. Your little girl is better off waiting longer than to have you make a decision that's not the right one for you. Don't feel selfish; it's your life, too.You didn't talk much about what your little girl is like. Does she have negative qualities that just are too much for you? 3&1/2 yrs old is old enough that she could have serious problems that need a lot of work. If you've done any reading on bonding-attachment disorders, you won't go into this lightly. If you haven't read up on it, PLEASE look it up at the library and read up on it. I believe you should trust your feelings and take this very carefully and slowly.

Originally Posted By MarciaI guess that having gone through what tracy is going through, and having heeded everyone's advice that "it just takes time", and STILL not having ever bonded,that I feel that I must say that I feel that it is very preumptuous for everyone to just ssume that Tracy will ever bond.I mean, when we were dating, was it just a "matter of time" that we would fall in love with the guy that we were dating? If that was the case, then I kick myself for not just hanging in there with the boring unattractive doctor that I dated twice, I mean if I would have loved him eventually, then at least I would never have to worry about money woes ! Havent you met some people that you adore immediately and others that you just never connect with, no matter how long they are in your life? Why would a three year old be any different? Because we are women is there just an expectation from society that we are not "good" mothers if we can't pick up a stranger's child and love it as if we'd given birth to it? I have great respect for those that have that ability, but in speaking to others, and myself included, I have found that not all women are like that with all children. Everyone knows of the abuse that goes on in the foster care system. This is from foster parents that could not "bond" with the children that they were taking care of. I dont believe that most of these people became foster parents with the intent of abusing the children, they just maternally "rejected" them, just as most animals will reject the young of others. Also, the number of deaths involving babysitters is disproportioate, suggesting, once again, that these women are not bonding with the children that they have been entrusted with.It is not unusual for a woman to "reject" another woman's child. This is why they have the postplacement part of the adoption. My advice to you, Tracy, is that if you are still having strong doubts at this time, that you place the child in another home. Most people that adopt and go on to bond, don't have the doubts that we have, and as you know, to this day, I still have them. If I could do it all again, I would follow my own advice to you. Good Luck, and I will send you my email address.